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  #31  
Old 11-15-2011, 12:27 AM
Times2 Times2 is offline
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Thank you for that post and the links Annabel. It makes us feel less 'controversial'.

According to statistics, there are about 15,000 plural marriages within some religious communities. I am sure not all of them are successful and some may not have been entered into freely. However, there are probably many many plural marriages within religious communities that are not the typical plural marriage we all hear about on the television but more hidden and quiet in suburbia and on country roads that could be successful loving and caring relationships. One can only venture a guess at how many 'non-religious' plural marriages there may be. It is possible that you don't hear about the successful relationships that have turned into plural marriages because of the risk of prosecution.

I don't think we will immediately know that this person will be the spouse of we are looking for, but hopefully, we will find someone whom we think could fill that position and take lots of time to get to know her and see what happens. That is afterall how any love affair begins. D is my 3rd husband, so I know what failed relationships feel like. Unfortunately, there are no guarentees in any relationship, traditional or otherwise. All we can do is put ourselves out there, be honest about what we are looking for and hope for the best.

Last edited by Times2; 11-15-2011 at 11:42 AM. Reason: mispelled word
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  #32  
Old 11-15-2011, 06:15 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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I was "invited" to step into a previously existing poly-couple relationship, where he was heterosexual, she was bi-sexual and I was heterosexual. So, basically it was a "vee", when I stepped in.......although it was "open" such that any and all parties would be free to establish other relationships. (I wasn't particularly interested in establishing other relationships, so I probably could have fit into a relationship similar to what you're discussing. I wouldn't have been a unicorn, however, but your "sister-wife".)

I found it extremely challenging to find my way into "their" relationship. They had a few years together and had worked through many of their relationship issues. Although they didn't intend it to happen, I ended up being the one to do most of the fitting in and adjusting because they had a life worked out together that worked well for them. Also, she had an 8 year old son from a prior marriage that they were raising, so we all had to adapt/adjust/accommodate to his needs, too. For example, attending his swim meets, need for childcare, need to be transported to and from.......,etc.

They would make decisions that could ultimately affect me (for example, committing to certain events/activities that would mean less time for me to spend with them/him.) and never think to consult me because they just in all honesty weren't used to having to think about the impact on an additional person. When I'd bring it to their attention, I'd often be seen as being "jealous" of her or her son or ??????

Ultimately when he got so stressed with his job and other time commitments, I got left out. He decided he wanted our relationship to be "fun" and "casual" (which equated with "secondary" in my book, and I had NEVER wanted to be a secondary and had said so from the start.) I decided not to settle and broke the relationship off. It was a profound loss for me. Not just the loss of him, but of my friendship with her and with their friends and family.

I'll give you a lot of credit for being upfront and clear about what you want with someone. But, as others have mentioned, there are many pitfalls for someone stepping into an well established relationship in spite of your best intentions. I, for one, would also feel very "used" or insulted to think that one of my values in a relationship was to help provide a buffer to the feelings of loss anticipated if one of the original partners "who were so in love, so committed to each other that they couldn't imagine going on without the other one"...died. Many two person monogamous couples love each other to this degree.....and they just have to deal with it. Afterall, no one can ever replace another, or totally understand what someone else is going through regardless of how close and intimate you are.
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  #33  
Old 11-15-2011, 11:41 AM
Times2 Times2 is offline
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Thank you dragonfly, for your perspective. We can see the concern about being the 'third wheel' and being left out of the decision making process and feeling like a 'buffer'. All anyone can do when entering into any relationship, being poly or otherwise, is work at every dynamic to make it work. We don't believe any relationship worth having doesn't require some give and take and none of it is gonna just be second nature I am sure. But we feel that for a number of different reasons, this is a good step for us. We hope that there will be someone out there who feels it's a good step for them as well and just see what happens. If it all turns out great then we would take the next step in the committment that would make us a plural marriage. If any one of us should find it is too difficult, too restricting, too demanding, too alienating, or just too uncomfortable, then we would never take that final step and would have to reconsider the relationship.

I think that men and women go into relationships with a completely opposite mind set from one another. Women approach a new relationship with the "he might be the one" mentality whereas a man approaches most romantic involvements with the "she'll do find unti I find the one" mentality. With these different expectations who do you think will get hurt when it ends? Of course the one thinking it's THE ONE from the start. We have no expectations that the first person we meet will be 'the one' and we have no illusions that it will all be perfect from the beginning. We expect to meet, hopefully feel a connection and then ultimately move on with a marital relationship. If we don't feel it, or she does not feel it then it will never go any further. Isn't that how all relationships start?

We appreciate your perspective and once we are involved with this person, will have to make a concerted effort to include just as much input from this other person in our lives. As far as the romantic aspect of the relationship, we would love her as much as we love each other, no matter how long we have been together, otherwise, we wouldn't be doing this at all. We will also make the effort to help this person not feel like a 3rd wheel in a long standing marriage but be an integral part of a working, equal partnership.

I am sorry it all didn't work out for you. It seems your partners should have made more of an effort to accomodate you and offered you the same equality within the relationship they themselves enjoyed. It takes work, sacrifice, honesty and above all, love.
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  #34  
Old 11-15-2011, 06:12 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Times2 View Post

I think that men and women go into relationships with a completely opposite mind set from one another. Women approach a new relationship with the "he might be the one" mentality whereas a man approaches most romantic involvements with the "she'll do find until I find the one" mentality.
Seriously? That is a pretty sexist remark to make on a poly board, where we have lots of free women not looking for the One, be they male or female. We also have lesbians, gays and transpeople here. Where would they fit in with your sweeping comment?

Most women and men here aren't even looking for The One, but the many! lol
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  #35  
Old 11-16-2011, 03:44 AM
Jade Jade is offline
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Hehehe. When I was young, I thought, "He might be the one." Now I think, "He may be workable."
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  #36  
Old 11-16-2011, 07:02 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Times2 View Post
I think that men and women go into relationships with a completely opposite mind set from one another. Women approach a new relationship with the "he might be the one" mentality whereas a man approaches most romantic involvements with the "she'll do find unti I find the one" mentality. With these different expectations who do you think will get hurt when it ends? Of course the one thinking it's THE ONE from the start. We have no expectations that the first person we meet will be 'the one' and we have no illusions that it will all be perfect from the beginning. We expect to meet, hopefully feel a connection and then ultimately move on with a marital relationship. If we don't feel it, or she does not feel it then it will never go any further. Isn't that how all relationships start?...
I can't speak for how other men and women go into relationships, but he and I had talked about what all 3 of us wanted in a relationship. We were all looking for a loving long term relationship with a core poly-family. (They had already attempted this with other people prior to my coming into their lives. I was new to the whole idea of poly.) Any or all members of the core poly family would still be free to see whomever they wanted outside of this core poly-family. They might or might not share partners within the core poly-family. No one within the core poly family would be expected to have relationships with other poly family members, but there would be an expectation of mutual courtesy. Any other partners wouldn't necessarily be expected to become part of the "family", but neither would they be automatically excluded. If someone wanted to remain in a mono relationship with someone in the core poly-family, that would be fine, too. There would be no expectation that all core poly family members would have to date or be in a relationship with more than one person.

There was no issue for him about "until I find the one". As others have mentioned....Being poly....there could be several "ones"!!

(Please note that my vocabulary/choice of terms when trying to describe what we wanted is mine, alone. "Core poly-family" is the best term I could come up with in trying to define what we were looking for. It may have a totally different meaning to someone else or be meaningless to others.)

Last edited by dragonflysky; 11-16-2011 at 07:27 AM.
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  #37  
Old 11-16-2011, 02:15 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Alright, alright, I'll bite on the side topic.

I've never been in the least commitment minded. I feel more committed to my relationship with my gf than I ever have in any other relationship before, despite the fact that she and I haven't made any sort of formal declarations or anything. I've been in a couple of other long-term-ish things with guys in the past in which *they* were very interested in long-term commitment but I was not. Rather, I tend to enter my relationships solely based on my enjoyment of the other person with no expectations for the future.

Right now, my bf is the one who wants to look at moving in together, maybe getting married and having kids at some point... whereas I'm like "Can't we just relax and see where this goes?"

So, yeah, maybe we're all just a little too queer here or a little too non-traditional or whatever, but the idea that women want X and men want Y has had no relevance or truth whatsoever in my life. Perhaps it's true on a wider societal level, but I tend to suspect that if it is it's still far less prevalent than the dominant cultural narratives would have us believe.
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