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Old 11-15-2011, 03:52 PM
rungsoftheladder rungsoftheladder is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Maine
Posts: 15
Default Yet another polynoob..

Like so many others, I am new to the forum. In the spirit of netiquite, I've spent a couple of days reading other people's stories and issues before just throwing mine out there.....normally I'd wait longer, but I could really use some other perspectives on my situation.

Been happily married four years to a woman who has become my partner and soulmate. We have communicated often about our past sex lives, and have agreed that most people are not naturally mono, but most choose it because its the "rules of society" or that its more simple or its what works best for them.

We often joke, tease about being with other people, together or separately. We are both bi-(me) or bi-curious (her) I've always joked that if she goes and plays without me, at least bring me home a picture or a video.

I always thought that was a great foundation for more conversation on the topic of poly/open but...That's as far as the open communication went.

I've suspected an ongoing relationship of hers with a male co-worker, who is also a friend of mine, who was in our wedding.....I watched as it developed, never sure that it was sexual, but increasingly suspected it....she was never very good at hiding it, but I was, and remain 100% sure that she is committed to me, our love and our marriage and knew that she was happy, perhaps more so, in our partnership because she was able to fulfill her needs to flirt, socialize and have sex beyond the typical mono relationship. I had lots of hard times with it, but I believe that I read all of what she was doing the right way.....although I never talked to her about it because I was afraid of changing things in her that made me happy.

I, too, have a female friend. We talk, sometimes a couple times of month, sometimes a couple times a week. My wife has never trusted this friend, so I have gone out of my way to ask my friend to respect my marriage and her wishes and so we limit the communication. My friend and I had sex a few times before I met my wife, but it was always more of a friendship. We had decided years ago that being friends was more important than sex, although if sex happened, it was good once in a while. I've had sex with her less than 5 times since I was married. I know it hasnt changed my thoughts or love for my wife a bit, just as I know what she has done hasnt changed her thoughts toward me!

I came home early from a midnight shift two weeks ago and watched my wife and her friend having sex in our bed.....they didnt see me. I was more than a little surprised about the location and shocked to actually see it, so I told her the next morning what I saw, that I had known about most details of their relationship for a long time, that I loved her, that I wanted to be married to her, that she was my life partner if she wanted the same. She asked if I had done the same thing, and I told her that I wanted her to think about it and consider how she would feel if I had....or if I hadn't. I really wanted her to start the journey that I had been on for two years; thinking about how she could still love and want someone who might also be in a relationship with another....

Of course that didn't work, she's just not the kind of person who can wrap her head around hypotheticals and she wanted us to be honest and clean slate this...so I ended up telling her about my friend a few days later.

We are still talking, she is open to me joining him and her sexually, not so much about me continuing with my friend but where I had two-plus years to work things through by myself, she had NO idea that I was also doing something similar. I feel bad that she has to take that journey so quickly, and I don't expect her to be able to articulate the things that I can at this point...I hope that comes with time.

So......priority one is continue to work on my marriage and relationship with my wife.....we are talking and talking, but we can only talk just so much without taking time to process. We obviously are both poly, but can we ever be successfully poly given the way we both "snuck" our way into it?

Sorry for the ramble....just looking for thoughts, support and honest critique....
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