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Old 11-12-2011, 03:56 PM
ohmmmm ohmmmm is offline
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Default Thinking about Poly advice

I'll try to make this brief. My wife and I have been married for many years. Over the past couple years all the literature she reads about is about lesbians and lately all she watches on tv and the internet is about lesbian relationships. Sex life has dwindled and I feel threatened a bit. I told her a while back if she wants to experiment she can as I had thought that we have a long close relationship. She said she would think about it and if the opportunity presented itself she might do something. In the mean time, her lesbian fantasies are growing and my desire for her sexually is diminishing and her passion in bed dwindled. She has not had an affair with another woman, but I am getting a bit fed up and considering trying to set her up or push her to try a woman just to get it out of her system or unleash her suppressed desires and at least I and her will know what her real tendency or feelings or orientation is.

In any case, I love my wife but I am thinking a head and will consider bringing up a poly lifestyle choice for her if that is the direction she wants to go and I can get along with the other person. What I have read is that its difficult to find another woman that will want a poly relationship, so I guess this option is a long shot. In any case, it seems that most people here have phd's in relationships gained through experience and any words of wisdom and advice about our situation and prospects for a poly solution will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you
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Old 11-12-2011, 06:57 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Is this a situation of you trying to force her to confront her sexuality issues to explain whats going on in your relationship. A matter of frustration of not knowing exactly whats going on...perhaps she losing interest in men and it time to move on. Or is it you've lost feeling and desire for your wife and would welcome the chance to explore other romantic relationships... and get those needs met elsewhere and thus this would be a perfect opportunity for everyone.

What do you want? For yourself....What would be your ideal relationship or dynamic... forget about her for a second? Now from that prospective add how your wife might fit in or not fit in?


Good luck D
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Old 11-12-2011, 09:52 PM
ohmmmm ohmmmm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Is this a situation of you trying to force her to confront her sexuality issues to explain whats going on in your relationship. A matter of frustration of not knowing exactly whats going on...perhaps she losing interest in men and it time to move on. Or is it you've lost feeling and desire for your wife and would welcome the chance to explore other romantic relationships... and get those needs met elsewhere and thus this would be a perfect opportunity for everyone.

What do you want? For yourself....What would be your ideal relationship or dynamic... forget about her for a second? Now from that prospective add how your wife might fit in or not fit in?


Good luck D
Thank you
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Old 11-12-2011, 10:04 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I wouldn't say it would necessarily be hard to find a woman who'd be interested in a relationship with your wife, assuming your wife is a desirable person. I wonder what it was you read that suggested that? I'd say the bigger long shot would be the idea that she could hook up causally with a woman and *not* have feelings get involved eventually. Now, if you felt that you too would need to have a relationship with the new woman beyond friendship, that would be considerably harder to find. A casual threesome or even a deeper threeway emotional bond is possible, sure, but going in expecting that anyone who's into her would/should be into you too will likely bring trouble.

Go ahead and tell her that she has your blessing to seek other relationships with women, whether serious or casual. Invite her to do some reading about poly. Then just spend some time talking about how that would look for both of you. What if she started dating women but then became interested in another man? What if you got jealous of a new relationship of hers -- do you have the right to pull the plug? What if you wanted to date too -- could she handle that? I would suggest setting just a few boundaries and expectations to start, and then staying flexible and communicative, on both ends, since in truth there's no way to know what she'll end up finding or how it will affect you both.

It would probably also be a really good idea for you two to work on your relationship with each other as part of moving forward. If there's any part of you that's hurting over the way things are between you, it will just get worse if/when she's getting her needs met with someone else and you feel like your needs are still being left on the sideline.
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Old 11-13-2011, 07:43 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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you could go swinging to see if you get your needs met and hers if you are able to keep your emotions separate from sex. It might be about sex for her or it might not. It sounds like you have some deep talking to do. And ya, educating of yourselves about poly and all its differences.

Live is fluid, it can all change over time and then change back. I identified as a lesbian for about ten years. I was straight and mono from my early dating years until then and from that time to now; bisexual, then pansexual and non-monogamous. I suspect it will change again before I die. One never knows. If you and your partner can allow for those changes and love each other through them than that's what poly its all about as far as I am concerned. There is room for much love and freedom as you choose.
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