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Old 11-11-2011, 09:29 PM
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Prax Prax is offline
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Unhappy Losing desire for primary. Is it the NRE?

Background: I am currently the hinge in a V between my fiancÚ of two years and new boyfriend of about two months. Living with boyfriend at school, fiancÚ (primary, of course) is long distance.

Problem is, since starting the relationship with my secondary, my sexual desire for my primary has completely dried up.

We have had issues in the past, and the sexual frequency has definitely eroded over time, but I never really feared that it was that big of a problem. I thought my sex drive was just decreasing as I got older, unrelated to him. However, being with my secondary has shown me that my sex drive is just as high as it was when my primary and I first met. I'm aware that NRE is the most potent aphrodisiac in existence, but it doesn't seem like it should have the side-effect of making me want to have sex with my primary even less.

Right now I feel like starting a new relationship and experiencing that desire again has just brought out problems and feelings that were hidden under the surface between my primary and I. I have struggled with him for a long time over lifestyle differences (namely that he is very sedentary and unambitious, unlike when we first met), but have tried to remain patient and help him pick up his life. However, I think those feelings finally caught up with me and have robbed me of my desire for him - and though he wants to change both for me and for himself, I am getting tired of waiting.

As you can see, I've gotten myself into quite a mess. Though it sounds bad between my primary and I right now, I have a deep love for him, he is my best friend, and our communication is impeccable. He knows everything I'm posting right now. I suppose I'm just wondering if my NRE with my secondary could be effecting this, or anything I can do to help my relationship with my primary.
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Old 11-12-2011, 04:44 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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The simple answer is yes it could be .... or as you said differences and preferences are being expressed. Fancydancy or dancyfancy (user name) wrote a thread on this back in the summer. She got lots of advice .... you may want to check that out.

Truckerpete's blog has been dealing with a similar problem, also another good resource.


Good luck D
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Old 11-12-2011, 09:09 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Look, long distance sucks. An eroding of your desire in an LDR is common, poly or no poly. Is there an end in sight for this LDR? Do you have a plan to move to the same city and get married in the near future, or is this marriage plan a sort of vague eventual hope?
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Old 11-12-2011, 10:17 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Its been two months! Give it time. NRE lasts up to and over a year.

I am a bit wary of you living with your boyfriend while fiancÚ is long distant. That would create a very fragile balance. Poly is a fragile balance of many plates already. I wouldn't do it. But then I don't do long distance. That's just my take.

Ya, I would be worried about this too. Being close creates an intimacy that just is not equivalent for me, but I would gives it a year and see. For me, waiting a year would depend on the distance you have from your fiance, ie. frequency of when you see each other, the living arrangement when you do see each other, what your wedding plans are (are they within the year?) And the possible future with your boyfriend. There is a lot at play here.
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Old 11-12-2011, 10:55 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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They say that poly is a sure fire way to uncover all the hidden problems in your relationship. So, sex with the bf has shown you what you're missing in sex with the fiance. I wouldn't blame that on NRE, actually, I would blame it on a preexisting problem with the fiance that poly had shown you. It's up to you and him to work it out, and it probably would have come up eventually if you two were mono... this situation just brought it to the surface more quickly. Yeah, my guess is it has little to nothing to do with the bf, really.
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Old 11-13-2011, 06:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I wouldn't blame that on NRE, actually, I would blame it on a preexisting problem with the fiance that poly had shown you. It's up to you and him to work it out, and it probably would have come up eventually if you two were mono... this situation just brought it to the surface more quickly.
That's actually what I've been thinking for a while. The problem was definitely there before, but finding a new SO just exacerbated things.

As far as living with my boyfriend, I don't really have a choice. We're in college, living in a 6-person suite together - it's how we met. My fiancÚ and I live together when I'm home, and see each other about once a month. We plan to marry if we are still together once I graduate (~2 years).

Thank you all for the advice so far. I'm so glad this forum exists!
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