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  #301  
Old 11-12-2011, 10:55 PM
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They say that poly is a sure fire way to uncover all the hidden problems in your relationship. So, sex with the bf has shown you what you're missing in sex with the fiance. I wouldn't blame that on NRE, actually, I would blame it on a preexisting problem with the fiance that poly had shown you. It's up to you and him to work it out, and it probably would have come up eventually if you two were mono... this situation just brought it to the surface more quickly. Yeah, my guess is it has little to nothing to do with the bf, really.
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  #302  
Old 11-13-2011, 06:25 PM
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I wouldn't blame that on NRE, actually, I would blame it on a preexisting problem with the fiance that poly had shown you. It's up to you and him to work it out, and it probably would have come up eventually if you two were mono... this situation just brought it to the surface more quickly.
That's actually what I've been thinking for a while. The problem was definitely there before, but finding a new SO just exacerbated things.

As far as living with my boyfriend, I don't really have a choice. We're in college, living in a 6-person suite together - it's how we met. My fiancÚ and I live together when I'm home, and see each other about once a month. We plan to marry if we are still together once I graduate (~2 years).

Thank you all for the advice so far. I'm so glad this forum exists!
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  #303  
Old 11-14-2011, 07:22 PM
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But first, you're going to have to be willing to hurt both Alex and yourself by doing the hard thing and breaking up.
Thanks MeeraReed, I have been sitting with your post all weekend and somewhere deep down I know you are right. I have felt distracted, unable to concentrate at work, depressed, irritable. Alex has attributed this to all the other stressful things going on in my life, and I haven't had the heart or the courage to tell her the truth - that I think I'm just done with this relationship and I have been really struggling to find the courage to just end it. I keep trying to talk myself into working harder, trying harder, disciplining myself into staying, telling myself no one said it would be easy. I feel terrible that the holidays are creeping up on us and I feel like its either right now or after the holidays are over. I keep getting hung up on logistics. What about the house we just bought? How we will afford to separate out our finances? Thank goodness we don't have kids involved, I can't imagine how hard that must be for people who have to go through that. I don't know what it will take for me to be able to reach down deep and just do it. I do love her and I hate to see her hurting. But I am not in love with her and you are right, she deserves to be happy with someone who can give her what she needs.
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  #304  
Old 11-14-2011, 07:28 PM
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I read all kinds of things into it when really I am just being selfish and demanding and should be more giving... find compersion. When I do that I find that he is far more receptive and willing to meet me half way in negotiating a new time, location or whatever.... I have had quite a bit of experience with this now and in practising to just shut my mouth give him a smile and tell him to have a good time and good luck (its usually about his business or family that he cancels) he comes to me with a different date and a note to say he misses me and is disappointed to have not seen me.
I did a pretty good job with this last week if I do say so myself. I probably did give away a little bit too much of my disappointment, and even made reference to the fact that my intuition was telling me things were going to be changing fast (which it is!) and actually even though I'm a little sad, I'm truly okay with it too. I never doubted that Sam really wanted a full-time girlfriend, something that I certainly couldn't be to her anytime soon, maybe never. I told her that I really care about her and want her to be happy, and that I wouldn't be authentic if I didn't also acknowledge that the idea of us not being able to see each other anymore seemed to be on the table as a prospect and that thought made my heart hurt.
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  #305  
Old 11-28-2011, 08:50 PM
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Unhappy meltdown!

maybe i should have seen this coming, but i am seriously feeling like i am having some kind of meltdown. to update this thread, i am still with alex, trying to work out what non-monogamy/polyamory means to me/us and she is struggling with some intense jealousy and feelings of inadequacy. i am trying hard to be patient but at the same time be honest about what is going on with me.

this morning i told her that an acquaintance asked me to go on a date with her, and that i want to go. this caused a total breakdown, alex started yelling at me in the car and said over and over again that she can't handle anything more right now, so i'm stuck between telling her the truth about things that are happening for me and facing her rage and intense grief. i am practicing being honest about everything (this has been hard for me in the past) and she says she wants that honesty, but me bringing up something that feels fairly innocuous to me creates this huge reaction in her.

i have also been honest with her about my attraction to this couple that i am friends with, although nothing has happened physically with them and alex has, for at least the time being, asked me not to hang out with both of them. i can hang out with one member of the couple but not the other. and nothing physical is allowed.

alex has reached an okay point with me seeing sam (only sexually, no "dates"). things with sam are changing and slowing down, as she navigates her way into a primary partnership that will probably mean her moving cross-country soon.

am i being selfish? or dense? am i asking too much of alex? part of me is thinking i need to just slow down and go at her pace, but is it dishonest of me not to acknowledge my attractions and what i truly want? i have tried to be patient, and i don't know if she is ever truly going to be okay with this. i also don't know why it is so hard for me to leave, but i keep holding onto the hope that she can meet me where i am at but this level of intensity of crying and processing is wearing me down. i couldn't go to work today because i was so upset and unable to function.

is this normal? i know that shifting from a mono relationship to a poly relationship is really hard to do, but i just don't know that i can continue to operate at this level. i just want to crawl into a hole.
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  #306  
Old 11-29-2011, 03:19 AM
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I once stayed way too long in a relationship I should have left and it really messed me up (more on that here, if you want the gory details: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...&postcount=292). I don't think your situation is anywhere near that bad. I hope it never *could* be. But I felt echoes of the things that were wrong in that relationship in what you were writing, and that was what prompted me to write that "permission to leave" post, which came straight from my heart. I wrote what I would have written to my past self if I thought I might figure out how to listen.

I'm not going to tell you to leave, because only you will know when and if you can and must. Maybe your situation actually is totally different than mine was and you guys can work through this and be fine. Just please, be careful, and don't lose yourself, don't stop listening to yourself. Even if you find yourself again, like I did, you may not be ok for a while. Two people who love each other very much and who work great together can still ruin each other's lives if things are just wrong and there's no way to make them be right for both people.

My story has a funny twist at the end, because after an interval of more than four years, I agreed to re-try the relationship and it's actually going pretty damn well. There are bumps, but nothing like the deep dysfunction we'd fallen into. So, that's another way to look at -- leaving now may mean you never get to be with this person again... or it might not. Life is funny.
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  #307  
Old 11-29-2011, 08:44 AM
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Hi beginninglove, so sorry to hear all your heartache at the moment. My take on Alex is that there is no way she is ever going to accept your poly nature. Not unless she can control every last aspect of it. Would she change in the future? Maybe... but I think some people that are mono cannot accept being with someone who is poly and wants to explore being poly.

My partner and I have only just began to explore our poly natures so I can't offer a great deal of personal experience advice type help unfortunately.

Do you still love Alex? I think I read before that you felt that you aren't in love with her anymore... so why stay? I was in a mono relationship previous to my current that became very toxic and unhealthy. I stayed because I felt obligated to. I was afraid if I left she would hurt herself. Fear kept me in that relationship for years longer than I should have stayed. How would you feel if Alex left? Relieved?

Are you staying because you hope Alex will eventually break up with you and then you won't feel as much guilt over it if she leaves you instead? Or maybe you think it will be easier for her to leave you?

Where do you want to be a few months from now? Do you still want to be with Alex? If so, why? Is it love or something else?

In the end the choice is of course yours. Don't do anything because of what you're told here or anywhere else. Do what you know in your heart is best for you and it will be a decision that while maybe initially hard, will be the one you find the easiest to live with down the road.
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  #308  
Old 11-30-2011, 05:42 AM
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I would not accept a partner telling me that they want me to avoid my friends because I'm attracted to them. That would be a deal breaker for me.
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  #309  
Old 11-30-2011, 06:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beginninglove View Post
i just want to crawl into a hole.
Hon, I think you and Alex are way past done.
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  #310  
Old 11-30-2011, 06:24 PM
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Default struggling to leave...still

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I felt echoes of the things that were wrong in that relationship in what you were writing, and that was what prompted me to write that "permission to leave" post, which came straight from my heart. I wrote what I would have written to my past self if I thought I might figure out how to listen.
I went and read your story, and I feel like I could have written those words myself. The part about trying unsuccessfully to leave over and over again, not writing in my personal journal because I am so sick of myself... I try not to talk to friends about it anymore because I am tired of hearing myself, and I imagine they are completely exasperated at this point. Mutual friends of ours distancing themselves from us... all of it. The love that is still there, the comfort. We have a cozy home we have created together, a dog we adore, our rituals. I am so sad to leave, and yet I do not know how I can bear to stay. I am trying so hard to let go of shame, guilt, thoughts that I am being selfish.

I told her yesterday in couples therapy that I am done. She protested all night last night, telling me that she realizes now that she has to let go and trust me. But then when I tell her I am done asking (begging) for permission to do what I want to do when I know she does not want me doing them, she goes into negotiation mode: "well, that depends on what it is, we can talk about what that would look like". no, i want my freedom. i am really done. and i am so, so sad about it. i don't know how to stick to this or make this happen, and it feels like the worst possible timing in the world.

anything anyone can say to help me stick this out is so appreciated.
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