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Old 11-11-2011, 09:38 AM
mekodesu's Avatar
mekodesu mekodesu is offline
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: not where i want to be (OK.. Meh)
Posts: 37
Default changes in our relationship since she got pregnant

Well here is my boat at the moment. My Primaries (my best friend BG and her wife B [short for the nicknames I call them]) decided just under a year into our relationship to try and conceive (something i knew they wanted to do well before our relationship started.) and surprisingly it took, first try.
Its been 5 months now and in that time my relationship with BG (the one carrying) has gotten kinda rough. She has gotten more distant with me, is easily agitated/angry with things that i do or say or with me in general, feels that she is using me as her whipping post or being mean/taking advantage of me
now before you make a judgment on that the other issue is that our relationship is long distance because i am finishing school and they live 1300+ miles away, so that also makes the strain on things a bit more. This summer was great i was home everyweekend it seems, then school started and i have been home twice one very good trip one very bad. As for the mistreatment she swears is occurring i dont see it because of this distance and we have not talked on the phone as often as we use to, so alot of our communicating is via text. that makes it hard for me to see/hear what she is talking about because its not that way when we do talk on the phone.
things that have changed that i do see (and that she added to her list) is that she has pulled back from me over the last few months, she is more needy for B)and when i visit she gets upset/angered with our sleeping arrangement (i usually sleep in between them), or if we end up sitting on the couch with me in the middle because i am between them. she will also not let me touch her or cuddle with her when we sleep. But hasnt told me this (until tonight) becasue she is convinced i wouldnt understand; thus the only time we have had an epic communication fail.
im sure there is more i can add but you get the picture. This week we all talked over skype and she said that she wants us to go on a break because she doesn’t see our relationship continuing after the baby is born (or as she said she cant see anything outside of herself and B, and isnt trying to see it) and she is completely convinced that everything that she is feeling right now with the hormones from the pregnancy are how things are going to be when this moves into the next phase of raising the child. all at the same time telling me that by doing this now hopefully things will smooth over enough so that i can still have a very active roll in the childs life and theirs (something that has always been part of the plan).
right now i am confused as hell. i took a couple of days and talked to them both again individually after this, letting them know that i understand the concerns (which i do) and i know that things with the relationship will change (i would worry honestly if they didnt) after the baby is born. I also said that i would like to take a step back and see how things go after and what not and we can go on from there.
one was receptive the other was not (wanna guess which one wasnt) this then led to one issue being focused on in our whole conversation (i made the mistake of mentioning preggers hormones for a couple of the issues) and now she feels like i wasnt listening or taking her seriously. one of the issues she brought up was a past experience she had (7 years ago) that was not a poly experience but where she was s third that was pretty much used and lied to by one of the women in the relationship. she compared our relationship to that saying that if she was me she would be upset or feel that i was being strung along, none of which i feel because i am not and our situation is the complete polar opposite of that really bad scene.
so on top of this confusion i am also feeling like i am in a lose/lose no matter what i do because in her eyes everything i do is wrong or a threat to her immediate family (she considers me part of her family but not her immediate family). There is no way i can argue with them and actually win because if i unintentionally upset BG with a suggestion or comment, B gets into protective and upset with me and its two against one. but i also dont want to lose my best friends a kid who i get to be an aunt to and a great relationship completely, i love them both very much.
none of this was an issue before the pregnancy to include the relationship, our communication (we have pretty good communication) continuing or my role after, my moving there (but not living with them) once my school is completed and so forth; which is why i have been optimistic in so much negativity during this that and I know that pregnancy can be a bitch for those who are not the ones going through it. i guess i am just wondering what the hell i should do! i know this is rather long and more of a ramble but i am really needing some advice here.
i guess side info relevant or not, my partners are married. i am the oldest of the three of us BG is the youngest. (All late twenties early thirties) I am also hoping that no one judges them in a negative light based on one side of the story. We have had a great relationship for the last year otherwise I wouldn’t have stuck around or run the risk or possibly ruining a great friendship.
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pregnancy, pregnant

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