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  #11  
Old 11-10-2011, 03:32 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Interesting comment because I'm constantly wondering if I'm TOO nice. I've been told by my therapist that I don't stand up for what I want enough.
I get that from my therapist(s) too.

I wouldn't think about it as being TOO nice. Maybe, like me, you're just somebody who thinks a lot and takes into consideration the feelings and thoughts of other people before making decisions or jumping into situations. This is not a bad thing. Not throwing yourself into whatever situation without thinking about how it might affect those around you is a good thing!

However, you do also need to make sure your needs are being met and you are being treated with respect and consideration. Part of this means that you have to sit and take a good look at yourself and figure out what you need from a relationship (or person), and what considerations are important to you. If you don't know what those are, it's easy to just go with the flow for everybody else and then get caught up in things that aren't working for you.

So figuring out what you want/need for yourself FIRST is really important. Then, of course, you have to communicate that with your partner(s).
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  #12  
Old 11-10-2011, 06:12 PM
TheMDC TheMDC is offline
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Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
I get that from my therapist(s) too.

. . .

So figuring out what you want/need for yourself FIRST is really important. Then, of course, you have to communicate that with your partner(s).
That's a major part of my problem. I'm not sure what I want/need yet. I'm searching.
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  #13  
Old 11-10-2011, 08:57 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I would spend a lot of energy working on this not standing up for what you want.

My first marriage ended because we went to have our first poly experiences, my husband panicked and wanted us to stop (the day after I slept with somebody), and he didn't say anything. Instead he did a very stupid thing the next day that led to the end of our marriage. If he had just spoken up about being uncomfortable, the outcome may have been very different.

My current husband also has the "too agreeable" issue. Sometimes I have to really push if I think something is bothering him but he's saying things are OK. Sometimes I can't tell, because he is easygoing and agreeable about most everything. There have been problems when he hasn't felt OK about something, but he doesn't stop and examine it, so he doesn't say anything, and then we regret it.

A good tact to take is that you have to look out for you first. Practice this now - tell your wife everything you feel if something is making you even the slightest bit twingy. Tell her without the expectation that she will try to fix it, or change her behavior. If you can tell her "I don't feel comfortable with you doing X" and give her the option to say "OK, that's no problem it's not important to do X" or "I want to anyway, let's talk about this" or to negotiate something in between that works for both of you, that's going to go a long way to lead towards a successful future where there's no niggling resentments or surprise blow ups down the line.

Good luck!
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  #14  
Old 11-10-2011, 09:32 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
A good tact to take is that you have to look out for you first. Practice this now - tell your wife everything you feel if something is making you even the slightest bit twingy. Tell her without the expectation that she will try to fix it, or change her behavior. If you can tell her "I don't feel comfortable with you doing X" and give her the option to say "OK, that's no problem it's not important to do X" or "I want to anyway, let's talk about this" or to negotiate something in between that works for both of you, that's going to go a long way to lead towards a successful future where there's no niggling resentments or surprise blow ups down the line.

Good luck!
I find it can be good to sit down and discuss this strategy first, before anything comes up that you need to actually use it on. Many people when you say "It makes me feel sad when you do x" will ASSUME you mean "I don't want you to do X anymore", even if that's not your intention.

Making sure you're both on the same page with the process will make things easier when it comes down to actually using it.
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  #15  
Old 11-11-2011, 12:32 AM
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Originally Posted by TheMDC View Post
Interesting comment because I'm constantly wondering if I'm TOO nice. I've been told by my therapist that I don't stand up for what I want enough.
There is a difference between being too nice and not standing up for what you need because you don't know what you need or are too passive or don't want to rock the boat. Being nice is what will give you good standing in a relationship I think. What won't is being an asshole about what you need, being a whimp when it comes to asking, not knowing what you want or allowing people to walk all over you... All the latter are highly unattractive. You said you don't know what you want. I would start by working on that personally.
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  #16  
Old 11-11-2011, 06:21 AM
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Eruza Eruza is offline
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It's hard to find a nice poly guy!
It is? That's reassuring.
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  #17  
Old 12-06-2011, 08:48 PM
TheMDC TheMDC is offline
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Well, that was short-lived.

Wife was cool with going poly for awhile but it wasn't cool with her new boyfriend.

Now I'm single and she's evidently back to being monogamous (with the other guy, not me).

I'm more interested in polyamory than ever now, though. I think. I'm more than happy to form new relationships with multiple people or even couples. And even when and if I end up in a 1-1 relationship I think I'll still support polyamory in spirit.

So I'm a 43 year old, one-owner, lightly-used man, seeking. Can't be too many of us around can there?
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  #18  
Old 12-07-2011, 12:39 PM
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You're single??? After 20 years of marriage? You sound so sanguine about it. Did your wife move out of your shared home and in with her bf after just knowing him a month or so? Eeek. NRE beast is really driving her.
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  #19  
Old 12-07-2011, 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted by TheMDC View Post
Well, that was short-lived.

Wife was cool with going poly for awhile but it wasn't cool with her new boyfriend.

Now I'm single and she's evidently back to being monogamous (with the other guy, not me).
Are you fucking kidding? That is wack. Are you okay?
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  #20  
Old 12-07-2011, 09:25 PM
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It's insane. The guy lives across the country and promises to look for work in our area and move here, so my wife can still be close to our daughter when they move in together. In the meantime, she still lives with my daughter and I, but not as a wife - more like a room mate. We sleep in separate rooms.

It's bizarre. 22 years and poof! Done. Over.

I can't deny that it hurts but I have never had any success with anger. I find that most of the time it is worse than pointless, it is detrimental to everyone concerned. So I breathe and meditate and just keep on living. I have told her I think she's making a mistake. Her sister told her she's making a mistake. Sometimes you just have to let go and let people make their mistakes.

My biggest worry is my daughter. I hope the stress of this doesn't hurt her too badly. Many of her friends have separated and divorced parents and so she can at least see that it isn't something that isn't completely abnormal, even though the specifics of what is happening with us is a bit wierd, being in the same house but separated.

I guess I am relatively sanguine about things, as Magdlyn says, all things considered. Lonely though.
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