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  #41  
Old 11-03-2011, 01:51 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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NMD, I found myself in a somewhat similar situation in my marriage.

I fell in love with our neighbor, fought it for 4 years, and finally my husband agreed to a V.

After awhile, I encouraged him to find someone, himself. I had all kinds of expectations about how that would go. None of it went as I had hoped/dreamed/imagined.

Turns out I am a selfish bitch, really. I don't want to share. I want a monogamous man -- maybe even TWO of them. (Or, if only my husband and my bf were bi, we could have had a closed triad and maybe that could have worked).

My husband didn't do poly well. He was all over the place with NRE and shocked by the whole thing. He lies to me and to her. He tangled himself up in so many scenarios, trying to justify everything and make things look the way he thought they should look. He never let the two of us girls meet and become friends, there were trust issues and violations all over the place, and I was an emotional disaster... Ok I'm getting off track here, this is your post, sorry.

You were talking about the crossroads/options. We have just entered a new agreement, that we live together as roommates and co-parents, work on our finances and maybe even some of our communication problems with a counselor.... but we are not being romantic or sexual with each other. We are each free to pursue that elsewhere. We have a DADT policy about our romantic lives. We put a time frame on it, on December 31 we are going to evaluate how it's going.

This new agreement beats all the other ones, as you mentioned, we were glumly considering. No divorce, no commitment to a "marriage" in the usual sense, and no poly. Instead, a fourth solution for us, a temporary, in-house separation. It's something I've felt the most peace about in a long time.

Good luck to you.
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  #42  
Old 11-04-2011, 02:16 AM
NeedsMoreDrama NeedsMoreDrama is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carma View Post
NMD, I found myself in a somewhat similar situation in my marriage.

I fell in love with our neighbor, fought it for 4 years, and finally my husband agreed to a V.

After awhile, I encouraged him to find someone, himself. I had all kinds of expectations about how that would go. None of it went as I had hoped/dreamed/imagined.

Turns out I am a selfish bitch, really. I don't want to share. I want a monogamous man -- maybe even TWO of them. (Or, if only my husband and my bf were bi, we could have had a closed triad and maybe that could have worked).

My husband didn't do poly well. He was all over the place with NRE and shocked by the whole thing. He lies to me and to her. He tangled himself up in so many scenarios, trying to justify everything and make things look the way he thought they should look. He never let the two of us girls meet and become friends, there were trust issues and violations all over the place, and I was an emotional disaster... Ok I'm getting off track here, this is your post, sorry.

You were talking about the crossroads/options. We have just entered a new agreement, that we live together as roommates and co-parents, work on our finances and maybe even some of our communication problems with a counselor.... but we are not being romantic or sexual with each other. We are each free to pursue that elsewhere. We have a DADT policy about our romantic lives. We put a time frame on it, on December 31 we are going to evaluate how it's going.

This new agreement beats all the other ones, as you mentioned, we were glumly considering. No divorce, no commitment to a "marriage" in the usual sense, and no poly. Instead, a fourth solution for us, a temporary, in-house separation. It's something I've felt the most peace about in a long time.

Good luck to you.
.....that's not a bad idea actually. I just wonder if it's too late.
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  #43  
Old 11-09-2011, 01:00 PM
NeedsMoreDrama NeedsMoreDrama is offline
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If anyone is still interested, I chose option 4.

Apparently I needed anonymous people on the internet to tell me what I already knew, but chose to lie to myself about.

So...thank you all.
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  #44  
Old 11-09-2011, 06:32 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Do you mean you left your wife and won't be seeing her bff either?

If that's the case, wow. I guess you really didn't trust her when she gave you the go-ahead.
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  #45  
Old 11-09-2011, 07:05 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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So you are trying an in-house separation? You'll have to let me know how it goes for you. It's been really tough for us. Lots of emotional turmoil -- going through the grief process and watching each other go through it, under the same roof. This is TOUGH. The worst part is the ANGER -- whew, that comes blasting out, mostly out of ME, in ways I have never expressed it before. Sometimes it's really embarrassing, and it's hard to have to keep saying, "I'm sorry, I blew it again, can we have another truce?" Neutral roommates? How can we really be that, when all the emotional pain is right here, so fresh and raw? It's extremely challenging to be polite and respectful, when my insides are screaming with all the turmoil of a dying dream. Constant work, to keep my decency and serenity. I'm not sure it's the ideal solution, but for right now it's the best one we had so we're giving it a shot, like I said, til the end of the year.

Thinking of you.
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  #46  
Old 11-09-2011, 10:40 PM
NeedsMoreDrama NeedsMoreDrama is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Do you mean you left your wife and won't be seeing her bff either?

If that's the case, wow. I guess you really didn't trust her when she gave you the go-ahead.
It's not about trust.

This entire situation is toxic. For all three of us. I'm right in the middle.
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