Pregnancy and telling your secondary.
Hello. I am new to the boards but not new to polyamory.
I've been in my primary relationship for almost ten years.
I've only been in my secondary relationship for a few months. Prior to that, I had an almost exclusive relationship for four years with my first secondary that ended, but we are still friendly.
A few things have happened recently:
1) My secondary's behavior went from normal to completely horrid
2) I found out I was pregnant. My primary is the father.
Item one occurred on the first trip we took together. It was a group trip where we met other friends as well and stayed with them at the destination. From day one secondary (S) was rude, spiteful and nasty. I gave him the benefit of the doubt as he is in poor health and didn't travel well. I made excuses for him. He told me on the second day he "had his fill" of primary (P). I listened and expressed how I didn't understand as he and P hadn't really been around each other much as P was hanging around our friends most of the time and S was resting. We went to a shopping plaza later that day and S was sitting outside. P was down with our group friends in another store and a saleslady got a bit pushy with me. I have really bad anxiety when it comes to that and I needed P because I knew he could step in and calm me down without making a scene or making it obvious. I motioned to S to go get P and S came in and asked what was up, making a HUGE scene and mortifying me. I asked him to please get P. He asked if he could do anything and I said "yes, please go get P".
P handled the situation gracefully as only someone who's been with me as long as he has would be able to. As soon as we were out of the store, I explained to S why I needed P and he just said "yeah, yeah" and blew me off.
A few more days went by. Not only had S's behavior started irritating us, it was irritating our friends. We had "vouched" for him to people who had never met him and he embarrassed us professionally as well. He'd apologize to me privately and then act worse. He'd get drunk and boorish and at one point started making out/ going a bit too far with a female friend of mine in front of me. The female friend was at least not so drunk enough to get herself out of the situation - she tried to give him a hug and he grabbed her, kissed her and started to finger her. She was relatively unscathed but that behavior - the simple "grab and take" made me beyond angry.
His health was getting worse and worse so we stopped buying things like soda and bought healthier foods. He reacted by taking the rental car and going to McDonalds. He would slam doors, scream and storm off if the tiniest thing upset him. He claims it was anxiety but I HAVE anxiety and I've never reacted like that, nor do I know anyone who has. I've known people who've acted out but not that long and certainly not apologize-act out/act worse-apologize cycle. He actually almost slammed a glass sliding door on P and we are pretty sure it was on purpose. I was up talking to a male friend of mine and he came in the room and shut off the lights and stormed off.
There's a lot more than this but basically I was DONE with him by the end of the trip. He told aformentioned female friend that I "treated him like a stranger". My ex is a good friend and I explained the situation on the fourth day and his advice, along with the advice of the people who were there and saw the behavior was not to reward the negative attention seeking. I did this.
On the plane ride home, he tried to feel me up. I just wanted to sleep.
I found out later he told another female friend who was there his plan to get me in a hotel room alone. He'd brought this up a month prior to the trip and I declined, saying it was rude and we were already paying for our accommodations, the nearest hotel was a 30 minute drive and I was on the trip to hang out with him, P and friends, not to have a sex-filled romp.
As it turns out, S was in horrible health after the trip - and probably before the trip. I'd never noticed his eating habits as we'd spent at maximum three days together but he will go without eating and then eat one huge meal. He has terminal cancer as well and he is morbidly obese. He made a big post on a social networking site about his health and then went on another networking site talking about how much he was drinking and how drunk he was and to "tell [tsse] I love her".
It turns out P didn't see any of this but contacted S to see how he was doing and told him he needed to change his eating habits NOW. I talked with S just a little bit during that time as I was still very upset with him. I've talked to him more and he says the store incident was the catalyst and even though he understands why I requested P, he felt like he wasn't needed and it started this big spiral.
The fact that he has it in him to act this way upsets me. He was beyond hurtful and though he's apologized, he refuses to think he was himself and attributed it to his health problems. He's seeing a counselor and has diagnosed himself with Borderline Personality Disorder.
Basically... I don't know where he and I stand because of his behavior and he knows it will take a lot of work to get back to where we were after his week of horribleness..
2) I found out I'm pregnant. P and I had tried ONCE. I didn't think it would happen this early but it has. I'm between 5 and 6 weeks gone. I had some health issues that made it seem like it would be difficult to do and while we were monogamous, P and I weren't always careful and if I was pregnant, I never knew it as everything functioned like clockwork.
I don't know how to tell S. I don't want to tell him until just before three months though. He knows I've been tired/unwell and I just found out myself two days ago.
I had a horrible dream that we told S and he had a heart attack and refused for us to call help, saying he'd rather die.
S can't have children and he says he doesn't want them so I know that will be an issue too. He's waffled on this before and I know he is jealous of P and the time we spend together and if he finds out we are potentially having a child, I'm afraid it is going to set back all the good progress he's made on his diet and exercise.
I know this is all complicated and I really do care about S but I really don't think he cares about himself or me. I know he was trying to manipulate me when we were on our trip and I refused to let him and I'm afraid he'd do the same re: pregnancy out of jealousy.
So far I've told four very close friends who I knew we were trying who I can trust as well as my immediate family - basically anyone I'd be comfortable discussing a loss with. I think if it does progress and we do tell him, I will tell him that too, and that I didn't want to say anything until we knew everything was okay.
Also, I wouldn't put it past him to snap, get one of his guns and shoot me or something awful. He's in a really tenuous mental state and I think news like that might break him.
|behavior, break up, pregnancy, secondary|