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  #1141  
Old 11-08-2011, 07:39 AM
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((HUGS))

I go through these cycles with my friends (all platonic), especially when we are still building and defining the friendship. I start to get depressed and sad because I feel distant and withdrawan or like they are withdrawing from me. I think to myself that maybe I've pushed too far and I'm more interested than they are... Then I meet up with them and all seems good. Sometimes I might push too far, but other times I get too sensative to normal everyday mood changes, etc. Other times, I find I have to push just a little harder and then things move forward again.

I can't speak to your issue with the sex as I don't need that in a close friendship (at least I haven't so far), but I do find that as I grow closer to people I need more contact. So I think that if friendships are to grow (even or maybe especailly platonic ones), contact needs to increase over time. It doesn't even have to be drastic.
I have been feeling like I am isolating myself and I also haven't seen Leo for longer periods of time due to his buying a business.... this could have a lot to do with it actually. We shall see I guess.
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  #1142  
Old 11-08-2011, 07:54 AM
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I have been feeling like I am isolating myself and I also haven't seen Leo for longer periods of time due to his buying a business.... this could have a lot to do with it actually. We shall see I guess.
This could definitely be a factor.
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  #1143  
Old 11-12-2011, 06:24 PM
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We talked yesterday to someone that we were doing a skype interview with yesterday about "evolving" and "devolving" relationship choices. It was interesting to realize that whenever we make changes to our dynamic in terms of welcoming new partners, letting go of boundaries that were once and issue, etc we approach them with emphasis on is this going to evolve our relationship dynamic or devolve it. It sometimes takes a long time to make change if this is not answered and sometimes we just fly by the seat of our pants... but it is always important to take the time to go over what it is that we are hoping to achieve in terms of creating more relationship success or less.
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  #1144  
Old 11-17-2011, 06:20 AM
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Someone asked me what it meant to have a non-sexual boyfriend today and while I know I have written here somewhere on why and how it works for me I took it upon myself to update... It was really helpful to think of "why" from the perspective of "now" rather than of where I was at. I relived the story of how I got here with Leo and Mono and realized the strength I have gained as a result of my choices (phewf! It could of so gone in so many other directions).

This week and last I had a chance to debate the merits of "one true way" poly and "going at the pace of one who is struggling the most" and "OPP's (one penis policies). The discussion was interesting as is but it had other meanings for me than what was discussed. It helped me realize how powerful it can be to let go of control and feel uncomfortable for the sake of another... but also for oneself. Going at someone else's pace and allowing their fear to dictate the pace with full awareness of doing so, and giving full consent is a powerful tool if you can somehow make it clear that you are doing this because you hope to learn about your self rather than because you don't want to rock the boat.

Agreeing to Mono's terms to not have sex with Leo seemed cowardly on my part. I could of stood up for myself and said, "no, I will have sex with him and I will help you along with that but its my choice what I do." I didn't though because I instead choose to listen to myself when I thought I had to have sex with Leo to keep him interested and keep him dating me. I decided to get to the core reason I thought I should have sex with Leo. It had nothing to do with the reason I first thought. Sure, I was lustful and in love, but there was more behind that that was not healthy. It was my feelings of self worth that needed my fixing.

From the outside it looked like Mono owned me and my decisions and that I was being controlled by his fear. My deciding to not have sex with Leo has meant that Mono has had time. He has seen that my love for him and myself is greater than any sex I could have with another. Its shown Leo that I cherish him beyond sex and that I will be here as a strong force in his life regardless. I could love him and do still, without having sex. It has shown his wife and family that I am a solid person regardless of the pressures that have been put upon our relationship. It has proved to me that I am worth something to him beyond sex and therefore can be worth more to other men too.

At the time it felt like I made "a" choice. Now I think it was the right one.

Here is what I wrote on the other thread when asked about having a non-sexual boyfriend.

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I decided to not have a sexual relationship with him after a long slew of casual relationships that were brief and included sex or at least a lot of sexual innuendos and over sexualized discussion and flirting. I was sick of it. I felt cheap, dirty, used and that I was worthless in any other way than sexually. I didn't believe for one second that a man would want me for any other reason than to fuck me. I thought I would lose him because I was not available to have sex with. It turned out that he stuck around for three years now.

Mono was struggling with me creating a sexual relationship with him so it was convenient to say no. At the time I used Mono's fear and monogamous nature as a stepping stone to the non-sexual relationship we have now. I was addicted to the attitude/lifestyle/persona (whatever one wants to call it) and Mono helped pull me back from that kicking and screaming. I am much happier now for it. It wasn't working for me the way it was set up. I wasn't empowered as some women seem to be from being a "slut." I just felt like a "slut" in the bad sense.

I would be ready to move on from non-sexual now. We shall see where that goes if anywhere.... its complicated.
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  #1145  
Old 11-19-2011, 04:19 AM
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Smoochie Lilo! I love you
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  #1146  
Old 11-26-2011, 12:49 AM
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I feel a bit overwhelmed with spam lately on here and don't have enough time to write here and respond to posts.... frustrating. I am have definitely appreciated all the hard work that Neon put into this forum. Its a lot of work! Someone asked me on the weekend how much time I spend on here a day. I think it is about 3 hours a day on average... for three years now? That is a lot of time!

Last week Derby and I took a holiday. We went to a neighbouring city to spend time with some forum friends, new friends and old friends. We had a great time!

We took to the road right after work on Friday and started by having a good heart to heart about some stuff that had come up during the week for Derby. After a good long chat and a long trip we got there with back packs on and walking shoes and headed for our forum friends house. It occurred to me that the only time we have seen them is when they have come to us to go camping in the summer. This was the first time we didn't look shabby, smell like camp fire smoke and stayed up all night

We were welcomed with open arms, a warm apartment and Mexican food at a nearby restaurant. Another good long chat to catch up and talk forum talk (yes, we gossiped ). Then to joke around and chat more on their big couch in comfort and warmth. What a cold night it was! It felt so good to relax and be staying somewhere where we could be ourselves and feel free to make ourselves at home. I was so grateful.

Next day we met the girlfriend of their triad and her new baby. She was a lovely woman and I liked her instantly. We had a walk through the city, something to eat and looked at shops for Scottish fare for a party we were going to in the evening.... by evening we were exhausted and our friend stayed behind to snuggle with his ladies on the couch. Can't say I blame him!

It turned out the party was only about 8 blocks away so Derby and I headed out to have an adventure. First off we got something to eat at a local Poutine shop, then we found a ticket for a concert on the ground and picked it up. It turned out that we were walking past the place the concert was at so we asked if anyone wanted a ticket once we got there. A woman from the line up was over joyed with the free ticket and thanked us profusely for a few minutes. Then we wandered off to the waterfront where the building was we were going to. At the top of the building was the party of strangers we had been told were poly and having a party.

The theme was Scottish, as I mentioned before, so we ate Hovish (?) or Neeps, many different candies and sweets and of course drank Whiskey. I had a good lesson on what to look for in a good whiskey. I was grateful for it as my brother and Dad are turning into experts and I want to show off my budding skill this Christmas

As the night went on we talked to many people who knew me from the site I host with Mono poly events all over which was inspiring. Also from the Facebook group I admin. I was glad to hear what they do and recognized them from other poly events, groups, etc. in my area. To my surprise, one was a mod on OKCupid! I would love to get in on that.... but then I would likely have no time for here, so its not likely to be something that I would pursue.

There was lots of places to have a cuddle and the atmosphere was relaxed and open to anything. In that environment we started playing Truth or Dare.... being the exhibitionist I am and having drunk whiskey, I was quick to join in on a lot of the dares and truths. Derby is just as much of a "joiner" as I am so we had a great time playing and being ourselves. By the end of the night (4am?) we weaved our way home.... tried to get into a gay bar at one point and got kicked out a few times... ya, it was a good time, I think?

The next morning we had to get up early to see Derby off home for her husbands birthday. We dragged ourselves to the train and she went one way and I went another.... after saying goodbye to our gracious hosts. I met my friend for lunch then and off we went to a women's group that was started for poly women. It wasn't unlike the one I started in my city. This was a large part of why we went to visit as the women there invited me to go and see them. All afternoon we made soup, gave massages, had a hot tub soak, talked, and got to know each other. What beautiful women. I felt truly honoured to of been there with them. When I left I told them of the retreat I am organizing for the women in my city and invited them all. I have planned it now, and some have signed up to come. I'm so excited!

Leo drove me back part way on my trip home from my trip. I was exhausted by the time he picked me up at 11.30pm Sunday night. I talked his ear off all the way home about my trip and other things to catch up on. We thought maybe that we would have a little kiss when he dropped me off, but other than a peck I didn't feel up to spending any energy on it in terms of what it would mean to us or what it would mean to Mono. The moment was not right... it seems so trivial, but at this point any kind of closeness is a HUGE deal all around. Not something to rush or take lightly.

Mono has been gone all week to the other side of the country where he is visiting his family. He comes home in a few days and I have been missing him terribly. His cat misses him more I think. She howls for him every night. I can't wait to fall into his arms on Sunday night. Thanks for the various means to communicate on line and by phone we have hardly been a part... the physical closeness means more to me than talk though. I don't do well with distance for even a week. Pathetic isn't it?

LB and PN and I have had a busy week with various events. One of the biggest being the supreme court case coming to a close. Here are the details. This weekend is just as busy. I have two shows coming up, one singing and the other burlesque. The singing is causing me extreme anxiety due to past issues and I am working hard at practicing and working through that. After its done the burlesque show is next. I can breath easy with that but there will be no less practice.

There are much holiday activities a float and I am looking forward to all of it. After Christmas I look forward to the retreat and the workshops I am facilitating.... and more shows. Busy and happy
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  #1147  
Old 11-26-2011, 06:13 AM
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Being a mono with a poly partner is a little like the image of Peter Pan flying carefree over Never Never Land hand-in-hand with Wendy. Your heart is filled with that child like joy of being with someone who is the focus of your world and you feel like that to them. Then you feel their hand slip from yours and you look back to see them soaring with someone else with that same look in their eyes.

Realizing that they are actually still holding your hand is the hardest part to accept. That is where you'll find out if the relationship is worth it.
*covet* just in case I need to remember he feels this way. I must be doing something right if he understands this now
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  #1148  
Old 11-28-2011, 08:30 PM
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*covet* just in case I need to remember he feels this way. I must be doing something right if he understands this now
You've always done things right...it was never about what you thought
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  #1149  
Old 11-29-2011, 06:36 PM
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I feel a bit overwhelmed with spam lately on here and don't have enough time to write here and respond to posts.... frustrating. I am have definitely appreciated all the hard work that Neon put into this forum. Its a lot of work! Someone asked me on the weekend how much time I spend on here a day. I think it is about 3 hours a day on average... for three years now? That is a lot of time!
RP,

I appreciate all the work you and the other mods do on this board. It is relatively free from spam because of your hard work. Thank you.
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  #1150  
Old 11-29-2011, 07:02 PM
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RP,

I appreciate all the work you and the other mods do on this board. It is relatively free from spam because of your hard work. Thank you.
You are very welcome
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