I hate rollercoasters
First off, I want to say that I soooooo wish I had known of this site 3 weeks ago. I just found this 2 days ago and I've been voraciously reading ever since. It's already helped me quite a bit and I want to say thanks to everyone who's posted their thoughts and feelings here.
So on to the juicy stuff... So I'm here basically because my wife wants to open up our relationship. I've been freaking and stressing while trying to understand and deal with it. And when googling "how to cope with depression
polyamory" this site came up. (It wasn't first which is a shame because it's by far been the best help for me so far)
Ok so a little background. My wife B and I have been married 10 years. We have a 10 yo and a 7 yo. She's been a stay at home for the past 7 years and is just getting ready to go back to work. We're very liberal and open-minded and I thought had great communication (more to come on that) and a great high-intensity sex-life (much more to come on that). We live in the Seattle area and are frequent reader of the Stranger Blog which has Dan Savage. His idea of monogamish relationships kind of made sense to us and we'd said before that if it ever came to having to choose between cheating and being
monogamish it would make sense to try the latter. It all sounded so easy and logical. At the time...
This next part might be TMI and B might be mad for sharing, but I think it's important to where we're at... Cue about a year and a half ago. My wife and I had been doing some sexual experimentation and things were going great for a while. Lots of sex and lots of energy going back and forth. At some point she started becoming disinterested in it though but never quite got around to telling me. This led to one day in particular where what was supposed to be some steamy role-play became a breakdown before I had to yell the code word because I could tell that she was freaking out and I think she was surprised that she hadn't thought to do so herself. We talked after and she then told me that she was no longer interested in it and that it wasn't going to happen anymore. I said ok and that we'd just go back to "the normal".
Well, I still had a high sex drive but B didn't at this point. To me it now felt like she was despondent and pushing me away. And (I know now but not then) she felt as if I was constantly pressuring her for sex. This basically made it so that she didn't want to really think about/initiate sex. She was fine with me using her for sex, but that loses my interest after a while.
During this time my wife has also discovered an intense love for learning/playing hockey. If you've ever seen her, she's not the hockey type. 5'6" and 110lbs. And she loves (LOVES)bacon and fried food and never puts on a pound (I'm kind of like that too but I tend to eat a bit better). But anyways she starts getting into playing and coaching for our son who'd started a little bit before her. I think that this is a very healthy thing for her and try to encourage her as much as possible. I also make it a point to not get into it because I really believe she needs something that's hers and only hers.
But anyways, back to the drama.. After many months of me feeling rejected I bring it up and she says that she feels pressured for sex and my need for her to be sexually interested in me. I'm super-depressed and make up my mind to try to leave her alone for a few months and not initiate sex, but not really tell her about it. It seemed like a good idea at the time... I get even more depressed and start growing resentful but I'm still biting my tongue thinking that I'm doing all this in her best interest (which I know is a lie).
Those couple months roll around and it's our 10 year anniversary. We planned a weekend away where we were going to do it once for each year we've been married. Well the first day we're there we're sitting on a park bench hanging out and she tells me that she's been flirting with some of the guys around the hockey rink and that it's really invigorated her. I say I'm cool with it and happy for her, but I kind of shut down at that point and no longer have any interest in sex. We never make our 10, even after counting the 3 days there. Once again, great communication me....
A couple more months go by and one night B says that one of the guys she's flirting with she might have a shot at sex with. And would I still be cool with monogamish? I say I have to think about it and have one of the worst nights of sleep in my life. The next day I tell her how I'm really feeling about it and how I actually have been freaking out since she told me about the flirting. There might have been a tear or two in there. I don't remember, it was all a haze. But B says she'll drop it for now and let me think on things.
Cue 3 weeks ago. B tells me again that she really wants to have sex with this guy. Like REALLY. And once again I freak out and start going into a spiral of depression. I can't really say what the last 2 or so weeks have been like because they've been a blur of crying, sleep depravation, brooding and pitying. Dark places indeed. Which is so opposite of how I usually am. I'm extremely mellow, such that I've always thought that I have a medical condition that made it hard for me to feel things. Well, looks like I found a cure!
It's at this point I finally bring up how I've really been feeling for the past year or so (about time!). B and I have many conversations which I'm basically dumping my hurt feelings on her and not making her any happier about everything. And I know inside that it's pushing her away since she already feels over-needed but at this point I've got to just get it out otherwise it's going to keep being an issue. Especially since I'd been coming to the realization that 99% of what I felt about having an open relationship wasn't the fear of the open-ness, it was all of my fear/resentment/depression from my other feelings I'd been repressing for so long.
So I start trying to do my own research about all of this. B has also checked out a copy of "Opening Up" from the library and I steal it from her and read through it in a couple of hours. Some stuff I agree with in it, some I don't and some I don't think really applies to what we're going through. B then gets the book back and starts reading it and we do some more talking. I realize that even though I don't agree with all that's getting said in the book, it's causing me to think about my feelings and WHY I feel them. And that is a little break through that's helped a lot.
So the next night I'm at home alone (hockey game night for B) and I'm trying to do my own research. An hour or so on Google and I've found this site. I'm instantly drawn into the Struggling Mono thread and the post by Freetime. Quite a bit of what Freetime resonates with what I'm feeling even if the specifics of it don't. And a lot of the feedback on the thread was helping to take a look at my feelings. Again, I'm not agreeing with everything but it has me thinking rather than pitying.
And here I am!
Last edited by SanguineSquirrel; 11-08-2011 at 03:52 PM.