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  #81  
Old 11-02-2011, 11:20 AM
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Wise words, Phy. All that makes a lot of sense, thanks for adding your input!

Me and rory had loooong conversations about these things yesterday and today and I think we finally got somewhere.

1) Yes, the three of us most definately will have a conversation the next time I'm going there about time splitting and everyone will get heard.

2) One of the biggest causes for imbalance is that I go there just for rory and she has these other people and things in her life that need attention, too. So I need to develop a life of my own in their city as well. I will change my attitude towards time spent there. It's not just about her, I can do other things with my time as well. I already started looking for some activities near their place that interest me that I could sign up for. Also, even when I'm at their place, I can for example read and meditate more. All good and healthy things.

3) I can go to bed earlier the nights when rory is sleeping next to me. This is a compromise for me but not a big one. I'll gladly do it if the reward is a night with her.

4) Last time I was there was too intense and tiring mainly because of the lack of proper conversation during the weeks before that. The next time is not going to be as bad in that regard. We have spoken via skype a lot so there shouldn't be many things piled up waiting to be discussed.

5) Both of us want what's best for the entire situation and everybody's wellbeing, not just what feels good in any given moment. This means that rory has to take some time for herself even if the need for it hasn't yet grown to anxiety or something bigger. She needs to do that regularly, even if sometimes emotionally she would prefer spending time with me and/or Alec.

6) Equality is important. But it's also important to recognize that these relationships are not similar. Even when they're equal, they're not the same. Me and rory might consider different things important in our relationship that rory and Alec would. So sometimes something I/we want is not in any way away from Alec, because he might need something entirely different that I don't even think about. Well, we both need time/attention and that's something we need to work on how to split, but that's not the only thing you can get from a relationship, obviously.

A few steps forward I think.
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  #82  
Old 11-04-2011, 03:30 PM
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I think y'all are handling things in a really wise, loving way.
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  #83  
Old 11-05-2011, 08:06 AM
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Senga very glad to hear you found our blog inspiring; thank you.

SNeacail I'm not sure there was much wrong with the sleeping plan, except that it wasn't flexible enough. However, you are so absolutely right about the control thing. It's such a natural response to me in every aspect of my life, that I don't always even see it before somebody else points it out. So thank you for doing that. I definitely need to - and also really want to - learn to let go of the controlling.

Phy thank you so much for writing!! I think your advice about trying not to worry unless somebody expresses that there is a problem is excellent. I agree both in practical terms and with the broader sentiment. Firstly, I can't read minds, I need to let go of controlling everything, and I will go insane if I keep worrying about all potential issues somebody might have. Seconly, it's counter-productive: if I do manage to "read somebody's mind", i.e. guess that there is something they feel bad about, and I solve it somehow, they never need to communicate it to me, which isn't really good for our relationship. I do need to trust both of them to express their needs. Rationally, I truly see that it is their responsibility, too, I just need to remind myself about it whenever I start worrying.

About the fear and loving: in my general state of mind, I do believe that I am a good partner and a lovable person. Thus, I don't usually fear abandonment, because I'm confident that I can continue being satisfied with my life even it the worst happens. But there does seem to be a more deep-rooted fear, which is not so much of abandonment, but of not being accepted and loved as I am, particularly in regards to the aspects of myself that I find hard to accept myself. I guess it relates to the pleasing, as in, there's some belief that if only I am good enough a partner, it will compensate for the aspects which are "lacking". The rational side of me doesn't really believe all the things my emotional side believes. Just need to get the latter to listen to the former...

opalescent thank you for your lovely words.
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  #84  
Old 11-05-2011, 04:27 PM
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Me and Mya have kept discussions going about the topic I wrote about earlier, what love is. This has been very interesting. Firstly, we have uncovered some differences, and been able to describe our feelings to each other, and that has led to a greater understanding between us. Secondly, reflecting on her views has made it clearer to me how I love, and what I value.

For me the essence of love is not about passionate feelings, but more about the lasting things. For me, love consists of deep liking and caring for the person. I guess I'm not a terribly romantic person; not in the American movies sort of way (with candles and flowers and moonlight and dinners), and neither do I hold romantic love to be special with regards to other kinds of love but, rather, for me there really is only one kind of love. Obviously, I enjoy passion and all that, but that's not what love is about for me.

There was a bit of confusion around the feelings, though. When I say that I love all the people I do in the same way, I refer to the things that exist for me all the time: deep liking and caring. I don't refer to bursts of feelings. Thus, my love for a person feels different for each person. I have different depth, different passion, different affection with each person I love. However, there isn't a specific, romantic love for me, which would be only for my partners and another kind for everybody else I love. There is love, which manifests itself in different ways and different feelings with different people.

My attitude towards NRE is quite similar, I enjoy the good thing it brings, but I don't attach much value to it, because I know it won't last. The really good stuff, the real stuff starts afterwards. Not that NRE experiences aren't real and valuable in themselves, it's just that I attach more value to all that I can trust to last.

I find the individual differences in this area fascinating. I wanted to write about my view and feelings. If you wish, feel free to write about your way of loving, whether it's similar or different. Do you love your partners in the same way as your friends? Is romantic love different from other kinds of love? Are there, for you, different types of love? What are your feelings like, when you are in love?
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  #85  
Old 11-07-2011, 05:06 PM
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I had a very interesting discussion with JJ today. Our plans for the future are getting clearer. It looks like we are moving to the big city (which is in the same country as rory and Alec) in about 8-10 months. That seems to be the most rational decision considering JJ's work situation. We also talked about what happens if I love living there (which I'm quite sure I will because I did before) and he doesn't and wants to move back here. We came to the conclusion that there would be basically three choises: 1) one or the other lives in a place where they're miserable, 2) we break up or 3) we continue the relationship in an indefinite LDR version. We both agreed that the first option would be the worst and we don't want that, so that leaves us with the second and third one.

Indefinite LDR would sound unbearable if we were monogamous, but now it really is an option. We talked about it and we're quite sure we would at least try to live in a LDR, and JJ would be open (and maybe even trying) to having another partner close by. In that case the other partner would get a lot more time from JJ than she would in the current situation where we're living together. That would perhaps make finding the person a bit easier, since in practise he could offer almost as much as a regular single guy, except monogamy and marriage. Although even then it wouldn't be easy in our little home town. So I guess it would all come down to whether he would find anyone willing to try polyamory or not. If not, I can't imagine him wanting to spend the rest of his life basically living alone and getting affection etc. only once a month or so. But we'll see. At least the continuation of our relationship is not as hopeless as it would be if we were mono. Then I think we would most likely break up in case we were living permanently in different countries.
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  #86  
Old 11-07-2011, 06:26 PM
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I am so curious about what you all do and how it is that all of you travel so much. I assume you're in Europe. I'm not asking you to reveal anything, I just wanted you to know it all sounds so intriguing in an "international jetsetter" way. LOL.
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  #87  
Old 11-07-2011, 09:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I am so curious about what you all do and how it is that all of you travel so much. I assume you're in Europe. I'm not asking you to reveal anything, I just wanted you to know it all sounds so intriguing in an "international jetsetter" way. LOL.


Even though you're not asking us to reveal anything, I'll do it anyway. We are indeed in Europe. The distances are not very long between countries and there are a lot of low-cost airlines. That's our secret, we're not actually rich or anything.

Alec has a job with normal working hours. JJ's job is a bit more flexible, meaning that he can do the required hours so that he takes a day off here and there and works more on other days. Rory is a student, so her schedule is pretty flexible, but obviously she can't skip too many classes. I am a freelancer and I can do my job wherever I am, as long as I have my laptop and an internet connection. So I guess our situation as a whole is pretty flexible when it comes to schedules and traveling.

While we're on topic, I can also tell you about my next trip. I'm going to rory and Alec's next week! Woohoo, can't wait! This time I'm spending a week and a half to make up for the fact that we're not seeing each other at all in December.
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  #88  
Old 11-07-2011, 09:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mya View Post
Even though you're not asking us to reveal anything, I'll do it anyway. We are indeed in Europe. The distances are not very long between countries and there are a lot of low-cost airlines. That's our secret, we're not actually rich or anything.
Well, now that you've revealed that much, I will probe some more! Are you all Europeans? I was wondering if any of you are American ex-pats.

I've only been to Europe twice: once to Spain and another time to Austria and Germany. Loved both trips. Other countries I've been to were New Zealand, Costa Rica, Mexico, and several islands in the Caribbean, but I would love to take off some time and explore Europe.
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  #89  
Old 11-07-2011, 10:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Well, now that you've revealed that much, I will probe some more! Are you all Europeans? I was wondering if any of you are American ex-pats.

I've only been to Europe twice: once to Spain and another time to Austria and Germany. Loved both trips. Other countries I've been to were New Zealand, Costa Rica, Mexico, and several islands in the Caribbean, but I would love to take off some time and explore Europe.
Yes, we're all Europeans and in fact we all have the same nationality. So originally we're from the same country. Alec and rory moved away from here and I moved to the same country as them around the same time although we didn't know each other then. Me and rory met in that other country in my last month there. We started the relationship and a couple of weeks from that I moved back to our home country, back to JJ, and here we are now. Waiting to move back to the other country, this time with JJ.

I've traveled quite a lot around Europe. It's really convinient because the flights are short and cheap so it's easy to make for example weekend trips. I love the cultural variety you can find in Europe. Countries so close to each other can be quite different and that's fascinating.
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  #90  
Old 11-11-2011, 07:30 PM
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nycindie thanks for commenting. I haven't had much chance to travel, just a few places in Europe, but New Zealand is definitely high up on my list of places-to-see! That will have to wait, though, until I'm no longer living on a student budget...

--

Havent had a lot to write, I've just been enjoying my everyday life lately, and apparently I'm not good at posting when life goes on issue-freely. I've been able to study really well, for a change. I've mostly read and written stuff at home. Everything's going well with Alec, we enjoy our usual routines. Me and Mya have skyped quite often, every other day (or even daily). Today we talked for 7 hours, normally it's not for that long, though. But it was sort of more like the both of us were surfing on our respective computers in the same room, except that we're a couple thousand kilometers apart. I've really appreciated the support that I've had from both Mya and Alec in recent times when I've been going through stuff feeling low. Mya is extremely good to talk with, and I'm constantly surprised by the fact that together we are able to solve pretty much anything. Alec is a huge help with his presence; I don't know how he does it, but he can make me feel really good and calm and secure.

And Mya will come and visit again in less than a week! That's so cool! We've talked a lot about time and energy things, and I think the both of us have more realistic plans and expectations for the time she'll be here. All three of us will also have a discussion once she's here. However, I think the processing the both of us have done already will in itself have a positive effect, since on the last time the problem was basically that I spent too little time on studies and by myself, and too much with Mya. But this time it'll be different, because we've skyped so much before she gets here, and both of us will treat the time more like everyday life and less like a special occasion. After all, we've got the rest of our lives to spend with each other, so we will have quite enough time for everything.
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