HMA/Violet's ongoing poly experience

[violet]

It's a really fucked up situation. She was really good at the manipulation. I'm trying really hard not to justify my fears because of how this ended up. It's hard.

I'll probably look for a girl sooner or later. I need time to heal first, and HMA and I need time to work on our relationship. Thanks for all your support.

[MonoVCPHG]

Sorry Violet, hope you guys get over her soon and keep your distance. It's so hard to stay away sometimes. Anne knows that apperently. Trust in Karma.

[Ceoli]

Thanks for the fill in. You guys certainly got put through a lot by the whole experience, but it does sound like your relationship is going to survive this and be stronger for it, and that's a good thing.

Hugs to you and to HMA...hoping he recovers from this well, and he's lucky to have you there.

[BexyandBen]

HMA / Violet,

We feel your pain. Our own breakup was about 3 weeks ago, before we started visiting here regularly.

Let us know if you wanna talk.

Ben and Bex

[violet]

Originally Posted by BexyandBen

HMA / Violet,

We feel your pain. Our own breakup was about 3 weeks ago, before we started visiting here regularly.

Let us know if you wanna talk.

Ben and Bex

Much appreciated. This is the first time either of us has ever been through anything like this. I'm not sure if I speak for HMA or not, I think I do ... we're both just so lost and unsure right now. It's really hard.

[BexyandBen]

Violet,
Our first "failure" was in 2002. We stopped looking for nearly 5 years, it was so bad. Then we started looking again, and found someone in July of 2008. We went through an on-again/off-again period through the end of the year, then she had some family/crazy issues and we backed off. As of April 2009, she was pretty much out of the picture, but kept coming back into the picture every month or so -- even though she was with another guy by then. (And this other guy is a really bad apple.)

In August, she started things back up with us--telling us that she was putting her relationship with him on a back burner. Bottom line, we discovered that she was actively seeing him and lying to us about it. When Ben confronted her, she confessed to the duplicity and lies, then tried to patch it back up. Ben let her back in, but within two days, she was already lying to us again and Ben ended it.

That was about 3 weeks ago. Ben is still torn up about it--yet relieved at the same time.

Again, the issue for us is the lying and the duplicity--although her choice in another partner really showcased her lack of character (the guy is a real sleaze-bag).

Didn't mean to take over your thread, but wanted you to know that we really do feel your pain.

[violet]

Originally Posted by BexyandBen

Violet,
Our first "failure" was in 2002. We stopped looking for nearly 5 years, it was so bad. Then we started looking again, and found someone in July of 2008. We went through an on-again/off-again period through the end of the year, then she had some family/crazy issues and we backed off. As of April 2009, she was pretty much out of the picture, but kept coming back into the picture every month or so -- even though she was with another guy by then. (And this other guy is a really bad apple.)

In August, she started things back up with us--telling us that she was putting her relationship with him on a back burner. Bottom line, we discovered that she was actively seeing him and lying to us about it. When Ben confronted her, she confessed to the duplicity and lies, then tried to patch it back up. Ben let her back in, but within two days, she was already lying to us again and Ben ended it.

That was about 3 weeks ago. Ben is still torn up about it--yet relieved at the same time.

Again, the issue for us is the lying and the duplicity--although her choice in another partner really showcased her lack of character (the guy is a real sleaze-bag).

Didn't mean to take over your thread, but wanted you to know that we really do feel your pain.

No, no! That's what this thread is here for. Sharing experiences and helping one another, yeah? The "duplicity and lies" certainly sounds familiar. It's really so painful - but I know it will heal with time. I'd be glad to talk to you guys more - misery likes company. It's amazingly heartening to hear that people have gotten through this before. I know, I know - "This too shall pass." But, it certainly doesn't feel like it right now.

[BexyandBen]

We live in the state of misery ("Missouri") and there's a town not far away called "despair" ("Des Peres").

We just had another long talk about the our situation and both agreed that this was the best thing that could've happened for us, even if it is painful right now.

Time will heal. *sigh* (We keep saying that to ourselves, too.)

[HappiestManAlive]

Wow - a lot can change in a few hours.

We are stil hurting. Things are not perfect. But they are better.

I have been struggling all day with feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, failure - all kind of things. It's been killing me because I am literally the most self-aware and objective person I know or that 2 therapists I was dragged into seeing over the years say they've ever seen. No joke - one of them said I should be helping him with other clients instead of seeking treatment. It's a huge deal for me, and I have spent years at it.

And somehow this thing with Anne tore it all down in 48 hours. There have been slips before; tears in the fabric. But nothing has brought the ceiling in to this degree.

Sparing you all the actuals of the conversation, I had a breakthrough while talking to Violet an hour or two ago. I was able to see Anne's POV from a whole different perspective - one that I'm embarrassed to acknowledge I had missed before, because it's ne I frequently direct others to see, one that I usually filter everything through before anything else. In my anger and hurt I had missed it, and not realized that I had missed it.

I put her actions and stated feelings through the most basic filter I have - the hypocrisy according to my own life actions and experiences filter. And in literally minutes, 90% of my anger and resentment for Anne melted away, along with most of my insecurity, fear, and feelings of inadequacy. I am still hurt, but it's a passing thing, and I find it is a very simple thing indeed to forgive her.

And almost instantly, that allowed me to get my mind and heart back on track, and to start fixing Violet and I, which also became far less daunting.

I hope I can convince Anne to give me a few minutes soon, as I would like to share this with her, nd let her know that she is forgiven, and that whatever she may do from here on out, I will be her friend and one who accepts and loves her. And this will come in handy, becuase the jerk she ditched us for will screw her over in short order, lol. I don't think that we'll want her back in a relationship way, but I can certainly still care for her and be the friend she needs. I think Violet is for the most part right there with me (although she has a little catty female spitefulness remaining, lol).

It feels so good to let all that negativity go. Maybe I will be ale to share in more detail the process and specifics so that others can take them or leave them as they see fit, but this is already long enough and am very, very tired right now. And I can't go to bed, because I need to try to help NightDragon, he needs people worse than anyone right now.

[Baernin]

Don't knock catty spitefullness, sometimes it's the only thing that keeps us with dignity intact. Of course, it's not terribly productive in the long run but it is soo satisfying for the five seconds it takes to say something cruel.