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  #281  
Old 11-04-2011, 02:09 PM
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Well, you two just joined! It could be months before he gets any bites. Be patient. If he takes a moment every week or so to make a little change here and there in his profile (change a sentence, add a thing he likes, blabla), that will put hm on other people's front page each time. Also have him put double brackets around certain keywords, like polyamorous so that he comes up in keyword searches.
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solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #282  
Old 11-04-2011, 04:11 PM
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He might not have the dubious advantage (in an OKC context, I mean, not in general) of being female, but I'd advise some patience as well. You might also want to go over his profile and tune it. Things that might not be constructive are any negatives like "here's what I'm NOT looking for...", "DON'T message me if...", disparaging anything in general, and self-deprecation, even the funny kind. You'll want to keep it completely positive.

The right photo (or the wrong one) can have a big impact, too.
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  #283  
Old 11-04-2011, 04:18 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Good pint about the pic. OKTrends has a really interesting study of which pix get the best results, it can be surprising. I'm on OKC just for the hell of out and I ignore almost all messages I get. This sounds stalk-y and weird, but... I actually think I might be more likely to pay attention if a guy sent me a polite follow-up message a week or a couple days later even if I hadn't replied the first time.

It's probably best to acknowledge up front that he will almost certainly have a harder time than you. It's tough for adult men in the dating world. If you agree that that's ok up front, maybe it will prevent some jealousy or frustration if/when you end up with a partner before he does.
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  #284  
Old 11-04-2011, 05:12 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Well, you two just joined! It could be months before he gets any bites. Be patient. If he takes a moment every week or so to make a little change here and there in his profile (change a sentence, add a thing he likes, blabla), that will put hm on other people's front page each time. Also have him put double brackets around certain keywords, like polyamorous so that he comes up in keyword searches.
He should also make sure to answer the questions there. Each time you answer a question it comes up on many peoples' homepages. Of course, answering questions also helps you match up with others with similar interests and love/sex styles. He might also try looking for older women who aren't on the marriage/2 kids/picket fence track.
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  #285  
Old 11-04-2011, 05:49 PM
onoma onoma is offline
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When you say he gets no bites, is his profile not getting viewed? Is he not getting messages? Or is he messaging women and not getting replies?

For the record, I've only had two women ever message me on OKC... and a good 99% of the ones I've messaged never replied. This is long before I'd ever heard of or considered poly... so I'd look at other things first.

You reviewing his profile and trying to pretend you're neutral could be a good help. Or look at other guys' profiles and see what gets your attention, then try to get his profile to have similar things.

Online dating can be tricky because people are afraid of stalkers/creepers, plus people tend to hold onto higher standards.

That said, I know people who have success with OKC... so I wouldn't give up on it. It's probably a good option, but you need to learn the ins and outs...
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  #286  
Old 11-04-2011, 06:31 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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There are a few good threads on this, mostly about OKCupid, with tricks and tips and some funny stories:

Meeting people online - what's your thing?

Online Dating….what a trip. What works for you?

Your most recent OKC messages. post em here!
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #287  
Old 11-07-2011, 04:54 AM
Eponine Eponine is offline
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My boyfriend and I are both using OKC too. And not surprisingly, I get many more visitors and messages than he does. He's also more picky than me, although I think I'm already very picky.

I think answering match questions helps a lot. I've answered hundreds of questions, and I set those about poly/open relationships (e.g. would you consider an open relationship) as "mandatory". I found guys with a 85% or higher match percentage are likely to be okay with polyamory.

I also found some guys didn't really read my profile. I said clearly that I'm in a poly relationship, but they were still surprised when I mentioned it in the conversation, or asked me if I was in a relationship. But maybe it's different for girls.
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  #288  
Old 11-07-2011, 02:50 PM
zylya zylya is offline
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Some tips for your husband:

- Get some absolute high-quality pictures. Pictures really can be a deal-breaker so make them the absolute best that you can.
- Message LOTS of people, especially people in your area, even if just for friendship at first.
- Set your searches to filter only "People Online in the Last Week"

The problem with free dating sites is that you get a lot of people sign up and forget all about their profiles. Of all those who ARE active, you've got all sorts of walls to break though - in addition girls receive a lot more "attention" (messages, winks, smiles and all the other features that allow some form of communication that's not actual text) with online dating, so there's always the chance that your message gets lost among all the "Hi hw r u?" messages that get sent out (and some of them get worse!).

So assume she's actually got to the stage where she's seen your message and read it (which as I've described above is already a bit of luck). Unless it's concise and you have a very clear "call-to-action" then the chances are she'll read it and think "I'll reply to this later". Obviously life is busy and internet dating is generally fairly low priority so the reply (often) never happens. So keep your messages fairly short (about a paragraph is good), show her that you've read and understood her profile (e.g. if she says no married guys, then don't message her!) - and say specifically what you like about her profile. Don't be vague or general, otherwise it looks like a copy & paste job.

The call-to-action is basically you giving her a hook to respond on. You essentially tell her what to do next (e.g. ask a question or simply "message me back").

The point is, you want to make it as easy as possible for a woman to get into contact with you, as an online dating potential match, you're pretty far down on her priorities, which makes sense when you think about it. So think about the first message simply as a way of getting her to message you back. Small, manageable steps

If you think there's some compatibility, push to meet up early - there are some people online who want to meet people to chat online with. If you want to chat online loads, then that's cool, but if you want to actually MEET women in real life, then push for the meet early. You lose nothing by asking - if they can't make it, or they're not ready then you can keep chatting until you know each other a little better, and ask again, but the fact is, text is dry - real human communication is so much more than the words.

One thing I often say in actual messages is (paraphrased) "It's cool to see that we're on the same page about loads of stuff! Anyway, I know this might come accross as forward, but you never really know who you're talking to until you meet each other in person, so if you've got 15/20 minutes free on X date I'd love to grab a coffee/beer/icecream/whatever with you. It's cool if you've got other plans, but I figure it's a nice, low-pressure way to see if we click as people rather than just over messages." Essentially you'll never get any chemistry over chat messages, there's just so much of the communication lost! The point is to keep it low-pressure just to see if the two of you click. Obviously this only works if the two of you live nearby! If you're further away there will have to be more talking online before a meet, but the meet would be longer.

So to sum up:

1. Get some great pictures as well as your profile
2. Message a lot of people - getting a low response rate is NORMAL, so don't take it personally, keep sending the messages and you'll get more results
3. Keep the messages short, ensure that she knows you've read her profile and end with a question or call to action
4. If you like them, and it seems they like you, try and meet up soon.

But the main point to remember is this:

The purpose of an online dating site is to meet people in real life. Don't get caught in the trap of chatting endlessly online - in a 15 minute date I can get a pretty good idea whether or not I'm going to enjoy this person's company or not.

Good luck
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  #289  
Old 11-07-2011, 06:15 PM
PipeDreamer PipeDreamer is offline
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I signed up with OKC a few weeks ago. I have to say that there have not been many polyamorous women in my part of Europe. In fact, the closest are in surrounding countries several hours away. I do not have a glamorous frontal photograph in my profile because I am in paranoia mode about anyone I know finding out about my lifestyle. I can think of several people I know who would use OKC and I have doubts about their acceptance of polyamory. This is more with respect to my wife's side of the family and more of the fact that I don't want to cause problems for her.

As stated earlier, make sure you put tags in your profile. They should look like this:

[[polyamory]] [[unicorn]] [[Pizza Hut]] etc.

You might want to consider putting your spouse's user name in your profile too:

<<HotWife5732>>

My wife is just starting her profile and we are cross referencing each other in our profiles so that potential new partners can see if there is compatibility with everyone in the group. Take the match percentages with a grain of salt. I have gotten many 95% matches that I would really not think I would be interested in. My wife so far reads as a low % match, high % enemy. I told her to answer more questions. Then we got in a huge argument. No, not really, but yes about those percentages.

In the beginning I was really annoyed with the questions I was getting from OKC. Once I figured out the tag system and clicked on a tag, voilà! There were all kinds of people listed with polyamory in their profiles and I started answering their questions which were far more pertinent. I did have to set my search region at 500km or anywhere in order to get more results. To solve the picture situation, I just had a silhouette photo in my profile and I made an online photo album elsewhere which I linked in my messages I sent out. I get about 30 visitors per week...I guess I am in no hurry, haha.

From reading a lot of profiles I have certainly gotten the impression that the women seem to get bogged down with lots of idiotic messages, winks, creeps, etc. I have seen a lot of profiles with women complaining about one-word messages as well. I think I may have taken this to the other extreme because I have adopted the policy that if I can't find a lot to write them about, then I don't write them. I haven't written many, but so far, almost every one of them has responded. Some have even initiated communication, which I find unusual. I do try to mention a few things I find interesting from their profiles. My typical messages tend to be almost as long as this post. Am I insane?

Maybe the women are afraid of his attractiveness and education? I would consider myself to be roughly average in terms of looks and I am not university educated. Maybe he could drag his knuckles more like me? Joking, of course.

Ok, I will not give more advice here, lest I be discovered by those I have messaged and my methods rendered ineffective. One thing I find annoying about OKC is that it constantly gives me results of people who are looking for someone single. Any ideas on how to change that? I haven't found out how yet.

Hope this helps!
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  #290  
Old 11-07-2011, 07:14 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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The best i have ever done in finding dates is to go into it with the idea of friendship first. I find most poly relationships endure for longer when they are built on friendship first. Finding a local group to meet and find friends is invaluable for support and for finding love.
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