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Old 10-22-2011, 01:39 AM
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For reference, those who wish may peruse my old blog. I have chosen to open a new thread because I am in a different place in my life at this time.

Well, it's been some time. Wow, where to even begin. Glancing through the first page of my other blog, I'm in such a different frame of mind now. Since breaking up with Romeo, I've been exploring my own desires without holding myself back. When I first started posting here, I was trying very hard to fence in and limit myself, I'd say "OK, I'll do this much, but I won't go that far." I was very adament that I wasn't interested in sleeping around, that I only wanted serious relationships, but I think I was mostly trying to drill that into my own head. It all sounded very romantic and lovely, but I rushed and blundered about and it all turned out not to really be what I wanted after all.

So what do I want? Well, right now I think what I've narrowed it down to is basically the freedom to pursue interpersonal connections and let them be whatever they're going to be. I want sex, I want affection, and I want caring, but I don't want marriage, children, a white picket fence, or probably even a life partner. I guess ideally a selection of lovers with whom I have mutual respect. And great sex.

I'm not sure how well that fits in around here, as I know some consider poly to be more a commitment thing, and that's just not where I am right now. However, well, I like the folks I "met" here, so to speak, so I've kind of migrated back.

Romeo and I have kept in touch, and we're actually still sleeping together. I think this is one of those situations where the relationship has sort of morphed instead of actually ending. He's had a really bad year... his grandmother died, he lost his job, I broke up with him, and now he just found out his grandfather is dying of two kinds of cancer. When we separated our finances during the breakup and he moved out, it turned out he owed me about $400 from bills he was behind on... I haven't pressed him to get the money, he doesn't have a job anyway. I don't intend to press. I'm not hurting for the money. I actually decided to loan him the money for a plane ticket to go see his grandfather in Chicago, because he hasn't seen him since the very beginning of our relationship almost 7 years ago (go figure that he sees him once at the beginning and once at the end of our relationship). I think we're in good standing, overall. We don't share all our emotional stuff anymore, but that's OK.

I'm still involved with the last guy I was talking about in my old blog, the roommate's brother. We don't see each other very often because he's been in a sort of depressive funk lately due to job issues, but I definitely enjoy the time we do spend together. He's really good in bed, very focused on giving pleasure and making it a sensual experience. I think being with him has helped me learn more about what I like sexually. We aren't what he would consider to be "in a relationship". I consider us lovers or friends with benefits (although I think friends with benefits sounds a bit glib... but he is my friend, and I care about my friends, and there are "benefits", so...), which to me is a relationship, but it's just semantics at that point I guess. It's not terribly important to our interaction to identify and pinpoint what we are.

There's another guy I've been fucking, but I won't be doing that with him anymore. He is really bad in bed. He's actually been quite a jerk in bed and I've put up with it because... I don't know, I don't like to feel mean? I like to be nice? Actually there's an aspect of the objectification/domination thing that I don't like to admit is sometimes a bit of a turn on for me, which is probably the real reason I've put up with it. Whatever. The last time was the last straw. It was just bad, he had no interest in my pleasure whatsoever, I was just there to be used, essentially. Which would have been fine if it was some sort of consensual non-consent situation or something, but it wasn't. So anyway, I told him off for a couple of things he did that I wasn't OK with, and he hasn't contacted me since, which is perfectly fine by me.

And lastly, I went on a sort of date with another guy this week, a friend of my roommate's who I've had a crush on for a long time. We went to dinner, went to a bar, hung out at his place for a while, listened to music, and talked about a whole bunch of random things. We ended up having sex, and it was awesome. He's very slow and attentive, very intuitive. He spent lots of time just exploring my body with his fingertips, which was just ... really good. I hope I see him again soon. He's really busy though. And he lives a bit far, so I guess it won't be that often.

Anyway that's what I'm up to lately. Hi everybody! Good to be back.
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Old 10-22-2011, 11:13 PM
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Vix, you're my kind of gal.

(you know I'm straight, so I hope you know that I just mean I like your approach to things)
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Old 10-23-2011, 03:05 AM
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Thanks! I feel the same way about you.
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Old 11-03-2011, 02:41 PM
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Well, no huge developments, but a few new things.

The guy I mentioned who I won't be fucking anymore resurfaced. He actually said a few non-assholish things, which was surprising. He said things like "I've realized I'm not emotionally available enough to be doing that with anyone right now, and that's not fair to you", which was REALLY shocking to me. Apparently he'd been with another girl since he last saw me, and she told him he was treating her like a whore (which was pretty much how he was treating me), so I guess the message sunk in and he was feeling bad about it. It was nice to hear some decent human being type things from him. I'm going to call him Macho on here, in case I write more about him some other time.

The roommate's brother, I've been calling him HotStuff when talking about him to another friend, so I'll go with that over here too. He's been still in his funk, but I saw him just before Halloween weekend, and we had a great time. He text me the next morning to say that he really enjoyed my company and hoped I was having a relaxing day. I thought that was really sweet. He's still feeling isolative, though - I messaged him on fb at the end of the weekend and he said that he wasn't feeling very talkative, so I told him that was fine; I just wanted to share a grin about Friday's activities. He seemed to like that. Haven't spoken much since then, though, but I hope to brighten his funk a little this week again.

The newest guy, the one I went on a date with... I haven't thought of a nickname for him. He's really nice, down to earth, and all around great company though. I have a pretty huge crush on him. We've been together one more time since that date. I was feeling frisky, so I sent him a pretty blatantly forward text message and got myself invited over, and we had a great time. I've been kind of hesitant when discussing with him what I'm doing in terms of my love/sex life right now. I've said that I want to be single for a while, I've made references to guys I've slept with recently, etc, but I haven't spelled it out clearly, like "I'm going to be non-exclusive for the foreseeable future. Just thought you should know." I think he's gotten the gist, though, because he's made lighthearted comments like "Do anyone fun this weekend?" which would indicate to me that he's aware I'm not exclusive. I think I'm going to have to make sure I have a more clear conversation about it though. I do really like him, I guess that's why I'm hesitant, which is stupid. I sort of feel like if I'm too clear, he'll get freaked out and run off, which would be disappointing. I could see us being pretty compatible as more than just casual lovers, but I'm still figuring myself out and learning whether I'm actually "poly" or if I'm just sowing my wild oats while I'm young or what. I think the fact that I could see us being pretty compatible is intimidating me on some level.

As far as other news, the only other new thing is that an old flame of mine resurfaced. He's married. Incidentally, this is the guy who I thought about when I realized I might be poly because I remembered really caring about him and my ex at the same time. There is a magnetic attraction still, BUT he's married. And not poly. Part of me is THRILLED to be back in contact with him and wants to listen to him and catch up with him, but the other part of me is throwing up red flags and warning flares because it sounds like he's thinking about cheating on his wife. I don't want to be the other woman. I do want to be his friend. But with the attraction in place, I guess what we are really isn't friends. At any rate, I'm being very wary.

Nothing more really new.
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Old 11-03-2011, 04:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vixtresses View Post
I don't want to be the other woman. I do want to be his friend.
Then make friends with his wife, too. Get to know her, don't be a secret.
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Old 11-03-2011, 04:37 PM
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I don't think that will happen. I left a bad taste in her mouth because she was just coming into the picture as I was leaving the picture when they started dating. He was pretty into me, and he says that my name still makes her grit her teeth. I wouldn't be opposed to it at all, myself, but I strongly doubt he'd be into the idea.

ETA: Actually, to be brutally honest with myself, I AM tempted to have an affair with this man. :sigh: That's just directly in conflict with my desire to be an ethical person. So yeah. I want something that I consider to be wrong, and that makes me feel like a pretty awful person.
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Last edited by vixtresses; 11-03-2011 at 05:51 PM.
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Old 11-03-2011, 05:50 PM
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Hey Vix,

I think you are wise to keep some distance from Married Man and Gritted Teeth Lady. It appears that getting more involved - emotionally, sexually, whatever - would mean putting on your bad idea jeans. He's not into poly but maybe into cheating and GTL can totally tell that. Again, wise move on your part, no matter how nummy he may be.
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Old 11-03-2011, 05:55 PM
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Hey Vix,

I think you are wise to keep some distance from Married Man and Gritted Teeth Lady. It appears that getting more involved - emotionally, sexually, whatever - would mean putting on your bad idea jeans. He's not into poly but maybe into cheating and GTL can totally tell that. Again, wise move on your part, no matter how nummy he may be.
Thanks Opalescent... I haven't made the wise move yet, though. >_<

Right now I'm pretty much standing at a crossroads going "damn, I really want to go that way, but I know it's a much better idea to go this way instead."
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Old 11-03-2011, 06:09 PM
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I want something that I consider to be wrong, and that makes me feel like a pretty awful person.
Oh pshaw. Sometimes I fantasize about robbing a bank or an armored car. Or dropping a bomb on the headquarters of an organization I despise. Or totally trashing my noisy next-door neighbor's apartment to make her want to move out. I'd love to do any of those things and get away with it! I'd love to be able to do that shit and feel no remorse. But I wouldn't do any of it, of course. Does it make a me a bad person for wanting to? No. It's just escapism when I want to avoid reality.
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Old 11-08-2011, 03:17 PM
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OK, well things are going well. I was kind of freaking out about the old flame situation, but it turns out he wasn't thinking about going down that road with me anyway, which is good. Much easier to be friends that way. According to him, there's no more attraction on his side (that ship has sailed, he says). I'm still attracted, but not enough to try anything, especially since he's married and not interested. So that's that.

Macho has continued to be not-an-asshole, which is nice. He actually wants to be friends, and not fuck, which is interesting. I gave him a massage last week, and he was pretty grateful for that. He seems to have realized that for him, at this point in his life, foreplay type activities are too intimate for him to share with anybody but someone who he could be in a relationship with, and neither of us feel that way about one another. I thought it was admirable of him to recognize that about himself and share it with me as an explanation for his behavior, though. So, friends it is.

Hot Stuff seems to be coming out of his funk a little, or at least making more of an effort to maintain contact with me. He's messaged me on FB a little, texted me a little bit, etc. I'd sent him a text message with a picture, and I thought that he'd said "hi" in return, but it turned out that he hadn't gotten the picture and was just saying hi. The picture came through two days later. Cell phones. Anyway I thought that it was nice that he was saying hi out of the blue like that; it had been some time since he'd initiated contact.

The other guy (I really need to come up with a nickname for him... his real name would make an excellent nickname because it sounds like a fake name, but at the same time I'd rather not use it since it's unusual enough that his real identity could probably be linked somehow) is fun to play with. He's really nice... I spent the night at his place on Saturday. He took me to breakfast in the morning and we fooled around a little when we got back to his place after breakfast. I finally had the guts to make it explicit that I'm seeing other people, and it turned out (as I'd suspected) that he knew, and was totally fine with it. He said to have fun and not to worry about him, just to let him know if I met someone I wanted to "stick to". He playfully requested that I sleep with him one last time if I did meet someone, and I playfully replied that I did quite enjoy sleeping with him. So that's going well, and I feel better now that I've been explicit rather than implicit in letting him know I'm not exclusive to him.

I've been messaging a few people from OKC. One guy's coming to town from further upstate this weekend and I'll probably meet him then. He's goofy and easy to chat with, we'll see how well we click in person. Another guy lives nearby and identifies himself as being in an open relationship on his profile, and he seems nice. We might meet up at some point for happy hour or something. He asked what's new with my exploration, and I told him a little bit about my current goings-on, and he said it sounds like I'm very busy. I hadn't really thought about it, I guess maybe I am. It doesn't feel that way, though.
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