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  #11  
Old 11-03-2011, 02:58 PM
DubiousProposition DubiousProposition is offline
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Thank you for your thoughtful replies.

Background info: I'm 38. She is too. Two kids.

I wish I could say things have gotten better. But my wife has left me. Or is about to.

I told her that I no longer expected her to abide by our agreement. I told her I'd try and take time to work on my jealousy. I said I just need time to process this, but in the meantime I expect it would still hurt me.

That isn't enough, apparently. Because the fact that it hurts me, she says, would make her feel guilty. To stay with me, I have to NOT BE HURT by what she's doing.

What the hell?

I don't know what else I can give. I have promised not to veto anything. I have promised not to forbid anything. I have promised to work on my feelings, think them through.

She can't switch off her feelings. Neither can I. It will take time. Why can't I have it?

What more can I give? Will someone please tell me?

Last edited by DubiousProposition; 11-03-2011 at 02:58 PM. Reason: misspelling.
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  #12  
Old 11-03-2011, 03:38 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Could this be a tactic on her part. It just seems very extreme to throw out the marriage and damage the kids, split up the stuff because "she'd" feel too guilty about your pain and issues. I've never heard that one before.

How old are your kids and do they know she has a boyfriend ?? If their older kids how do you explain this? I'd let/make her explain it to them with you being present to prevent distortion.

I really hate to be threatened or blackmailed and once that happens the gloves come off and the game changes ....so you might want to remind her to be careful what she's wishing for. Divorce can be a messy business ...once lawyers get involved the game begins ...their game can spin things way out of control before anyone really see's whats happening.

Good luck to you.
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  #13  
Old 11-03-2011, 03:53 PM
DubiousProposition DubiousProposition is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
How old are your kids and do they know she has a boyfriend ?? If their older kids how do you explain this? I'd let/make her explain it to them with you being present to prevent distortion.
I don't want divorce. And I don't mind being threatened. It's just words. I can let go of resentment pretty easily.

My kids are 2 and 7. I don't think I could put them through that. I have to protect them. I can't let them think ill of their mother. Ever.

I would take the fall for the marriage failing before that.

Maybe she's just trying to hurt me. Maybe it's just emotional retaliation. I don't know.

How do people get through this shit?
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  #14  
Old 11-03-2011, 03:56 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Wow, that's so extreme on her part. I'm sorry. I really can't think of any more you could do, she just needs to understand that people almost always need to ease into this and that your reaction is perfectly normal. If she values the marriage, she just needs to give things some time and it can totally work out. If her immediate comfort is the only thing that matters and she won't work with you to help you adjust... well, that's a real shame. Does she understand that she's proposing a permanent solution (divorce) to what's almost certainly a temporary problem (your unhappiness as you adjust to this brands new situation)?

Edit: Just noticed that autocorrect inserted "unfairness" where I meant to type "unhappiness"above... not what I was trying to say! You are being perfectly fair.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 11-03-2011 at 04:32 PM.
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  #15  
Old 11-03-2011, 04:01 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hmm, yes maybe she wants to prove a point? If she's not allowed to feel love, then you're not allowed to feel hurt, that kind of thing. Turnabout is fair play, what's good for the goose, and all that, as they say. But I would be hard-pressed to believe she would leave her marriage and children for this. Especially when this guy she loves doesn't seem to reciprocate with the same feelings for her. I hope you find a way to talk to her and come to some resolve. Maybe ask her to come here and read this thread.
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  #16  
Old 11-03-2011, 04:21 PM
DubiousProposition DubiousProposition is offline
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I think I have no power in this. Maybe I just need to recognize that.

My wife is a rage addict. She gets off on being angry sometimes. I think it empowers her.

I can't sustain anger for long. It's too hard.

If she can't see that I'm letting her have everything she needs I can't make her see that. If she can't see that I'm making a sacrifice to do it, I can't make her see that.

I guess helplessness is liberating.

@nycindie: her "lover" is a "master" she met online. I hate D/S stuff. Can't do it, don't like it. So I've been great that that need is met for her. They've had sex a few times. But he has no feelings for her. HE is not even attracted to her per se. He simply gets off on having lots of women he plays with (almost all entirely online except my wife). She is one (of many) toy(s) for him. He is also rather poorly off in real life. I think she may feel a kind of Florence Nightingale effect for him.

Don't know if that context is of any use.

Last edited by DubiousProposition; 11-03-2011 at 04:52 PM. Reason: more to say/spelling
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  #17  
Old 11-03-2011, 04:39 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I do think it makes sense to understand that you can't "make" her be rational about this... maybe it'll allow you to relax and rest a little knowing that if she won't meet you at least part way, that's on her.

I'm reminded of the scene in From Dusk Til Dawn when the former preacher says to George Clooney's character "don't you know when you've won?". Anybody seen that? The point was that Clooney couldn't stop causing problems and screwing things up for himself even though he'd gotten exactly what he wanted.

In terms of the D/s component, it may explain why she's latched on so strongly to this guy, she's getting something very emotionally powerful that she may have craved for a long time and never had before. But it's a false intimacy if this guy doesn't really care for her, and it's sad that she doesn't see that. Any one of a million doms out there with more warmth and love for their partners could give her the same thing.

Maybe counseling, either as a couple or just for her, or both? Rage issues can't be good with small kids around...
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #18  
Old 11-03-2011, 05:03 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DubiousProposition View Post
My kids are 2 and 7. I don't think I could put them through that. I have to protect them. I can't let them think ill of their mother. Ever.

I would take the fall for the marriage failing before that.
Okay, calm down for a minute and stop being melodramatic. Nobody has to take "the fall" for a marriage ending. Sometimes things just don't work out, and it's very sad and very stressful but it doesn't mean either of you are bad people or that someone has to be the "bad guy" for the kids.

But I'm very sorry to hear that your wife is reacting this way! What is going on with her? Does she want to leave you for the other fellow? Or is she genuinely concerned that you won't be able to handle more of a poly arrangement?

Is it possible she wants to come onto this thread and read what we wrote? I think she would see that you are really trying to adjust, even though you may have reacted with anger and sarcasm when she first told you about her feelings for this man.
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  #19  
Old 11-03-2011, 06:32 PM
DubiousProposition DubiousProposition is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MichelleZed View Post
Okay, calm down for a minute and stop being melodramatic. Nobody has to take "the fall" for a marriage ending. Sometimes things just don't work out, and it's very sad and very stressful but it doesn't mean either of you are bad people or that someone has to be the "bad guy" for the kids.
No. I can't not see my kids every day. That would hurt too much. If not them, me.

I feel completely unvalued.
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  #20  
Old 11-03-2011, 06:57 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I think what you're saying is that you think you could prevent a divorce, and thus preserve access to your kids, by allowing her to emotionally manipulate you and blame you for everything?

I hope that she's not as cruel and unreasonable a partner and person as all that, but you know her better than me obviously...

I have just one good piece of advice right now. Take a walk, take a nap, eat a nourishing meal. Let this all go for a half hour at least. You'll be able to think clearer if you clear your head.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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