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  #11  
Old 10-31-2011, 03:24 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I recently wrote elsewhere (right here) about how cheating is not poly to me and how frustrating it is that people who identfy as poly use cheating as a way of justifying their actions.
Hey RP,

I wish everything could be as B/W.
I'm not one who can draw that hard line in the sand in many instances.

As we've seen so many examples of even just on this little forum, life is not always that simple. I've seen people who are obviously, truly, polyamorous but because of circumstances are - by what most would define - "cheating". Because they see no way out according to the "do the least harm" philosophy.

But on another note, I do agree with your overall sentiment that you also have a number of "abusers". And this too is just another unfortunate part of the human equation. Despite all the purest and best intentions, every group or movement has been 'tainted' by less that honest, ethical people. From the church to the government to the police dept. I only hope that most people are intelligent enough to make allowance for this fact also and not label the group by it's lowest member. It's a numbers game in the end. When the scales start to tip in the wrong direction - it's time to bail !

GS
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  #12  
Old 11-01-2011, 08:23 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I recently wrote elsewhere (right here) about how cheating is not poly to me ....

It's not just your thoughts on the matter. It's pretty cut and dried that cheating is not poly in any fashion. From Morning Glory Zell, herself:

In 1992, when the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary contacted Morning Glory Zell to ask for a formal definition and background of the word; part of her response was “The two essential ingredients of the concept of ‘polyamory’ are ‘more than one’ and ‘loving.’ That is, it is expected that the people in such relationships have a loving emotional bond, are involved in each other's lives multi-dimensionally, and care for each other. This term is not intended to apply to merely casual recreational sex, anonymous orgies, one-night stands, pick-ups, prostitution, ‘cheating,’ serial monogamy, or the popular definition of swinging as ‘mate-swapping’ parties."
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While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #13  
Old 11-01-2011, 10:35 PM
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
It's not just your thoughts on the matter. It's pretty cut and dried that cheating is not poly in any fashion. From Morning Glory Zell, herself:

In 1992, when the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary contacted Morning Glory Zell to ask for a formal definition and background of the word; part of her response was “The two essential ingredients of the concept of ‘polyamory’ are ‘more than one’ and ‘loving.’ That is, it is expected that the people in such relationships have a loving emotional bond, are involved in each other's lives multi-dimensionally, and care for each other. This term is not intended to apply to merely casual recreational sex, anonymous orgies, one-night stands, pick-ups, prostitution, ‘cheating,’ serial monogamy, or the popular definition of swinging as ‘mate-swapping’ parties."
Thanks, AT -- so glad you posted this! Now, I wonder, is there a good definition somewhere of an "open" relationship, and how it differs from polyamory? I got into a conversation with someone about that recently and they disagreed that there was a difference.
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  #14  
Old 11-02-2011, 11:40 AM
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...people in [poly] relationships have a loving emotional bond, are involved in each other's lives multi-dimensionally, and care for each other.
This. I guess I am not poly then, because while I have a primary partner, I have not found another one to be involved with my life "multi-dimensionally" yet.
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  #15  
Old 11-02-2011, 02:54 PM
OpenandCountry OpenandCountry is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Thanks, AT -- so glad you posted this! Now, I wonder, is there a good definition somewhere of an "open" relationship, and how it differs from polyamory? I got into a conversation with someone about that recently and they disagreed that there was a difference.

Open relationships and poly are quite different, in my experience. My husband and I tried having an open relationship (casual sex only) before i met my bf. Well, I fell in love with my boyfriend and wanted him to be a part of my life, so I now consider myself as the hinge of a poly v.

I sometimes feel guilty about breaking the rules of our original agreement by developing feelings for my boyfriend, but I never hid my feelings from my husband, and I kept him filled in on our relationship. I think that is why he insists that he isn't angry/resentful of the situation...because I was so honest with him from the start.

I've been struggling with this issue. Since I broke our agreement, (even though I didn't plan on it or mean to) am I a cheater?
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  #16  
Old 11-02-2011, 03:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
This. I guess I am not poly then, because while I have a primary partner, I have not found another one to be involved with my life "multi-dimensionally" yet.
Well, haha, of course that's not true, dear! What AT posted was only a part of Zell-Ravenheart's explanation of poly that they had on their website. What she submitted to the Oxford English Dictionary was this: The practice, state, or ability of having more than one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved. So, having the ability or desire for this qualifies you and me to be in the club! Heh-heh.
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  #17  
Old 11-02-2011, 03:12 PM
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Originally Posted by leannahope View Post
I sometimes feel guilty about breaking the rules of our original agreement by developing feelings for my boyfriend, but I never hid my feelings from my husband, and I kept him filled in on our relationship. I think that is why he insists that he isn't angry/resentful of the situation...because I was so honest with him from the start.

I've been struggling with this issue. Since I broke our agreement, (even though I didn't plan on it or mean to) am I a cheater?
What?! No, of course not. We can't be expected to turn our feelings on and off like a light switch. It just doesn't happen that way. You fell in love. You were honest, never kept anything hidden from the hubs, and realized that the "rules" were too restrictive and had to be renegotiated. That isn't cheating. Cheating is running around in secret, hiding what's going on, breaking rules on purpose.

No, hun, don't be so hard on yourself. You're human and you were honest and upfront about your feelings!
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-02-2011 at 03:22 PM.
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  #18  
Old 11-02-2011, 03:20 PM
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Originally Posted by leannahope View Post

I sometimes feel guilty about breaking the rules of our original agreement by developing feelings for my boyfriend... Since I broke our agreement, (even though I didn't plan on it or mean to) am I a cheater?
No. Feelings are feelings. I believe it's naive for people to insist on sex with no feelings of emotional closeness to result.

As always, you can't help your feelings. It's how you act on them that counts. In your case, you didn't try to hide them, and acted responsibly. What more can a partner ask for?
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miss pixi, 37
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  #19  
Old 11-02-2011, 03:23 PM
OpenandCountry OpenandCountry is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
No. Feelings are feelings. I believe it's naive for people to insist on sex with no feelings of emotional closeness to result.

As always, you can't help your feelings. It's how you act on them that counts. In your case, you didn't try to hide them, and acted responsibly. What more can a partner ask for?
Thanks for the encouragement. I still feel a little bit guilty at times, but I'm working on it. The guys get along really well, and my husband insists he isn't angry. I am so grateful for both of their attitudes regarding our situation.
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  #20  
Old 11-03-2011, 06:54 AM
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
It's not just your thoughts on the matter. It's pretty cut and dried that cheating is not poly in any fashion. From Morning Glory Zell, herself:

In 1992, when the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary contacted Morning Glory Zell to ask for a formal definition and background of the word; part of her response was “The two essential ingredients of the concept of ‘polyamory’ are ‘more than one’ and ‘loving.’ That is, it is expected that the people in such relationships have a loving emotional bond, are involved in each other's lives multi-dimensionally, and care for each other. This term is not intended to apply to merely casual recreational sex, anonymous orgies, one-night stands, pick-ups, prostitution, ‘cheating,’ serial monogamy, or the popular definition of swinging as ‘mate-swapping’ parties."
AT, what's the link for this? Thanks for posting it!
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