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  #261  
Old 11-01-2011, 09:41 AM
bassman bassman is offline
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What an amazing story - Ive taken 3 days on and off to read it.

So sorry youre having problems, lots of hugs.
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  #262  
Old 11-01-2011, 11:43 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Thanks, everyone.

Indigo has backed off and given me space, for which I am grateful. He seems to have figured out that giving me space does not mean giving me a head start to run away. I don't feel like there's this constant pressure to be affectionate with him. In return, I'm able to be more genuinely affectionate than I otherwise would. Which is to say, I am able to be genuinely affectionate.

It's unfortunate that when things get rough between us, he needs more physical contact and I need space. I (probably) end up coming off cold and distant to him, whereas he feels clingy and needy to me. Scary in different ways to each of us.

Things were much better yesterday; we've set everything aside until our Wednesday appointment. Doesn't feel like that sky is falling anymore.
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  #263  
Old 11-01-2011, 02:17 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Yesterday I was trying to understand the problem. You sounded frustrated, annoyed, and upset that you haven't had sex with your husband since Feb. and I was thinking wow you'd think he'd be the one complaining about that. But in fact he is or has and because of a whole list of reason some having to do with sexual technique (not picking up non-verbal cues...or your direct verbal instruction) and honesty issues coupled with partner priorities (living, finances, etc) then add needy and clingy and it is or has become a major turn off.

Did things get worse after Mr. A moved in?

So from where you started have the primary and secondary roles been switched? Not in a formal sense but in a functional everyday application sense. Has that become an issue for your husband?

From day one you start this non-monogamous relationship. About a year in you change medication which wakes up your lost libido. Shortly after that you find Mr. A and 6 month or so you get married (last Nov) honeymoon last feb. The honeymoon sex was the last sex ? What a powerful statement that is in retrospect. I have to ask How was it or how would he rate it? Does he hear you high libido types going at it night n day, day and night. That's got to sting every time the door closes.

6 months of therapy and no ones seeing any progress, is the therapist poly friendly and how often do you meet?
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  #264  
Old 11-01-2011, 03:30 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
So from where you started have the primary and secondary roles been switched? Not in a formal sense but in a functional everyday application sense. Has that become an issue for your husband?
DH, I'm not sure if TP sees her relationships as primary or secondary. I don't recall her using those terms for her situation.
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  #265  
Old 11-01-2011, 03:40 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Yesterday I was trying to understand the problem. You sounded frustrated, annoyed, and upset that you haven't had sex with your husband since Feb.
Yes, I am. It's not the only problem, but it is the most glaringly obvious one, so I do tend to ruminate on it more than the others.

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and I was thinking wow you'd think he'd be the one complaining about that.
That's a sexist statement. You've been around here long enough that you should know better by now.

Quote:
But in fact he is or has and because of a whole list of reason some having to do with sexual technique (not picking up non-verbal cues...or your direct verbal instruction) and honesty issues coupled with partner priorities (living, finances, etc) then add needy and clingy and it is or has become a major turn off.
Yes to sexual technique, yes to honesty issues, not sure what you mean by partner priorities, and he's not needy and clingy. I said that's how he seems to me when we argue, because he needs physical reassurance, whereas I need physical space. He often checks things with me waaaay more than necessary (multiple "are you okay" in one night, asking if plans are really okay, when I've already said I'm good with things, etc.). This comes across to me as a lack of confidence, which is a big turn off for me, but he says he just likes to please. I feel like I'm damaged goods and he's tip-toeing around when this happens. We're not at the point where we understand each other's motivations/point of view on this issue, but working on it.

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Did things get worse after Mr. A moved in?
No. There were normal living arrangement adjustments, but I don't think the three of us have had any arguments. It was all very anticlimactic.

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So from where you started have the primary and secondary roles been switched? Not in a formal sense but in a functional everyday application sense. Has that become an issue for your husband?
I don't use those terms to describe us, but if I did, I would say no switch. Indigo and I share finances, most household responsibilities are undertaken by us. I know the living arrangement with Mr. A is not permanent because of his work, and he's really in a different place in his life and not ready for the responsibility of home ownership.

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From day one you start this non-monogamous relationship.
Not quite. I made it clear that I ultimately wanted a non-monogamous relationship, but wanted him to feel secure when we became open.

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About a year in you change medication which wakes up your lost libido.
There was a switch around that time which bumped it a little, then a complete change in March which basically put me back to what I was pre-drugs that killed libido.

I've been on so many different meds, the timelines do get a bit wonky. So, if there are inconsistencies, that's why.

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Shortly after that you find Mr. A and 6 month or so you get married (last Nov) honeymoon last feb. The honeymoon sex was the last sex ?
Correct. There were a few occassions where there was sexual interaction (which in fairness, were good if a bit awkward), but no vaginal intercourse.

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What a powerful statement that is in retrospect. I have to ask How was it or how would he rate it?
I didn't cum, if that's what you're asking. I rarely have (had?) orgasms from vaginal intercourse with Indigo. We were out of the country and I didn't bring lube or a BOB because, well, I didn't want my bags searched or whatever. And eating me out after he's cum in me is not Indigo's cup of tea, so there was no activity when he was done.

When I've asked in the past, Indigo is of the opinion that we have good sex, whereas I've felt that most encounters are not what I need. Not that he's some unskilled bumbling oaf; I know the last encounter he had with another partner, she told him he gave great oral sex. I do believe there are some sexual compatibility issues between us, but they would be manageable without the other baggage that has been piled on top.

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Does he hear you high libido types going at it night n day, day and night. That's got to sting every time the door closes.
No, and it's not day and night. I've asked him repeatedly if he's ever heard anything. He says no, says he would let me know if there was a problem. It's not uncommon for him to joke about turning the TV up, he asks at least once a week if Mr. A and I need/want alone time and when Mr. A and I occassionally leave the room to be intimate, he often says "giggidy" or hums Gary Glitter.

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6 months of therapy and no ones seeing any progress, is the therapist poly friendly and how often do you meet?
Not no progress. We've made reasonable progress on the non-sex issues, and my logical mind tells me that when there is more progress with those issues, the sex will be easier to sort out. But, as I've said before, the amount of progress I perceive is directly affected by my mood.
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  #266  
Old 11-01-2011, 04:06 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
Not no progress. We've made reasonable progress on the non-sex issues, and my logical mind tells me that when there is more progress with those issues, the sex will be easier to sort out. But, as I've said before, the amount of progress I perceive is directly affected by my mood.
Even with progress, when there is a bump along the way, it can send your mood/emotions back to the beginning or worse. It really SUCKS because it makes for some extreme down swings. However, the bounce back can be faster and help move you forward also.
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  #267  
Old 11-01-2011, 04:22 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Even with progress, when there is a bump along the way, it can send your mood/emotions back to the beginning or worse. It really SUCKS because it makes for some extreme down swings. However, the bounce back can be faster and help move you forward also.
Absolutely true. And I feel magnitudes better today than I did on Sunday. I think that's part of the reason it's easy to minimize, because when things are going well it doesn't seem like a big deal. When they're not going well, it's feels like a deal-breaker. The truth is probably somehwere in between.
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  #268  
Old 11-01-2011, 06:33 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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why do you think that was a sexist statement ?

It sounded like there was an issue in which he wasn't stepping up to his responsibilities as husband and partner in terms of finances...his priorities may have been out of line with yours. His priorities as a partner.

The honeymoon sex question... I was thinking in general terms .. great, good, ok but more information is all way good....or can't hurt, right. The reason for the question was after 9 month and counting would it be a fond or sustaining memory for him.

So he doesn't have a problem with the lack of sex? And his words and jokes indicate that he's fine with that going on around him. And even tho you have a problem with him telling lies you believe him.

It sounded like very little progress had been made if after 6 months and you feel like your marriage is crumbling around you and you haven't had sex with your husband in 9 months. So what you're saying is you were having a bad day and things weren't as bleak as they may have seemed yesterday.
Is the therapist poly friendly or poly approved. Someone should come up with a seal to stamp on things for just such occasions.
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  #269  
Old 11-01-2011, 08:26 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
why do you think that was a sexist statement ?
Why should it be the man complaining about the lack of sex, instead of the woman? If you don't understand, I really can't be bothered to explain it any further. Perhaps someone else would care to.

Quote:
It sounded like there was an issue in which he wasn't stepping up to his responsibilities as husband and partner in terms of finances...his priorities may have been out of line with yours. His priorities as a partner.
In terms of finances, yes. He does more than his fair share around the house, and I would be fine with minding the bills, etc., but the credit issues mindfucked me. He has made a solid effort to keep track of things in the last few weeks (calling the two companies in question to make sure the issues are still on their radar to be resolved) and has an appointment with a credit counselor Friday. If he continues to follow up with the two issues like he has for the last while, and takes care of any future issues in the same way, I would be perfectly happy.

Quote:
The honeymoon sex question... I was thinking in general terms .. great, good, ok but more information is all way good....or can't hurt, right. The reason for the question was after 9 month and counting would it be a fond or sustaining memory for him.
I don't think this really applies. He's never been very sex-focused, and is looking at the relationship as a whole. I would imagine that knowing we can be good together is the sustaining thought, not that we can have sex again.

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So he doesn't have a problem with the lack of sex?
Of course the lack of sex bothers him. I think he's better able to step back from that particular issue than me though, and look at everything. He's also much more patient than me.

Quote:
And his words and jokes indicate that he's fine with that going on around him. And even tho you have a problem with him telling lies you believe him.
Yes. If I ask him, then double and triple-check, then yes. I am only willing to take so much responsibility for his feelings. If he lies to me about this, he's hurting himself. Not that I wouldn't work with him after the fact to make things better/easier/what have you, but I'm not going to feel guilty when I did all I could beforehand to make sure he was comfy. Whereas if he lies/sticks head in sand/whatever you want to call it about finances, it could affect both of us very much. When he pre-emptively decides what I can handle in other regards, that's impeding my independence and progress with managing my anxiety.

Quote:
It sounded like very little progress had been made if after 6 months and you feel like your marriage is crumbling around you and you haven't had sex with your husband in 9 months. So what you're saying is you were having a bad day and things weren't as bleak as they may have seemed yesterday.
Yes. It felt insurmountable at the time, it's more manageable now.

Quote:
Is the therapist poly friendly or poly approved. Someone should come up with a seal to stamp on things for just such occasions.
Sorry, forgot to answer this before.

We don't know. We both agreed that none of our issues pertain to poly. Not even in the slightest; it's quite bizarre. We haven't told the counselor because we didn't want to risk being denied service (it's through the wellness program at work) or worse yet, told that poly was the problem when neither of us feels that way.
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  #270  
Old 11-01-2011, 08:39 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I agree that this isn't a poly issue. My ex and I had similar issues in our mono marriage. Mostly about finances, and my tendency to forget paying bills. We also did not have sex for a really long time before we split up - much longer than I care to admit (and longer than you guys have). But we weren't really looking at these issues together. My husband always made it out to be all my fault, and so I would go to therapy and he wouldn't. And we got nowhere - until he decided he couldn't take it anymore and moved out.

So, this is not a poly thing. This is normal, common relationship stuff. It seems like polyamory and incorporating multiple relationships in your marriage is actually a pretty healthy part of what you two have together. If you keep communicating and looking at it, and find some equilibrium with your anxiety, I'm sure you'll get through it. You both have tons of awareness about balancing and managing all the issues, so I'd say that's a good place to be, even if it gets uncomfortable.
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