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  #11  
Old 10-31-2011, 01:46 AM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Oh, you're right. I try so hard to make the whole thing seem casual and no big deal.
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  #12  
Old 10-31-2011, 06:10 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by MichelleZed View Post
Oh, you're right. I try so hard to make the whole thing seem casual and no big deal.
Why would you want to make it casual and no big deal if it is a big deal? If you want this guy to be part of your life in a certain way, why would you not ask for that? If he doesn't want that surely he will let you know?

The way you make it sound is that you aren't even inviting that possibility. What do you have to lose? You could end up right where you are, but you could also create something so much more if he is up for it! Who knows, maybe he is waiting for the go ahead! It sounds to me like the ball is in your court on how much you create a future with him. You are the one having the baby; you and the daddy. He might be waiting respectfully to find out how close he is invited to be while you kinda sluff him off as not being interested.
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  #13  
Old 10-31-2011, 04:28 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I could see this as a potential freak out situation for the guy. Seeing the child...what if it looks like him..and the million random thoughts that go with that. Perhaps awkward conversations with your husband or other family members. Thoughts of starting his own family etc, etc, etc...the whole thing being some what surreal. Maybe.

Also, from a kids point of view, birthdays on or around the holidays suck , tend to get lumped in ...one cousin (dec 20) and my uncle (dec 27) had that .....so if it's an option to go early or hang on late....might be something to think about or investigate further, talk with folks who are in that boat.
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  #14  
Old 10-31-2011, 04:41 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I could see this as a potential freak out situation for the guy. Seeing the child...what if it looks like him..and the million random thoughts that go with that. Perhaps awkward conversations with your husband or other family members. Thoughts of starting his own family etc, etc, etc...the whole thing being some what surreal. Maybe.

Also, from a kids point of view, birthdays on or around the holidays suck , tend to get lumped in ...one cousin (dec 20) and my uncle (dec 27) had that .....so if it's an option to go early or hang on late....might be something to think about or investigate further, talk with folks who are in that boat.
Lol, dingedheart! You're so funny! I don't have a say in when my child will be born. I can't "go" early... labour just starts when labour starts, and, even if I could decide what day to go into labour, I certainly wouldn't risk my child's health by having him be several weeks premature just so he could have a designer birthday.

You're right that it could feel weird for Sven to come visit me. But the kid won't look like him. We all know it isn't his--I didn't have sex with him the cycle I conceived, so that's scientifically impossible.

Still, he does want a wife and kids of his own, so I wonder if it might feel bittersweet for him. I guess that answers your question, Redpepper: Sven and I have talked about what he wants long-term, and it isn't this. That's why I try to keep it somewhat casual... although that still means I'm pretty darn affectionate most of the time.

Sven has been supportive of my pregnancy. I went over to his house late one night and he'd had a few scotches and he kissed my pregnant tummy and talked to the baby and felt him move. It just touched my heart. So I think that if he was around, he would come and see the baby after all, even if it felt a bit funny for him.

Anyway, I've just derailed Annabel's thread... I'm so sorry! Please, other poly people with kids, feel free to chime in with your experiences. And I'll let you know how it goes in a few months.
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  #15  
Old 10-31-2011, 04:51 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I don't see this as a derailment at all, for the record. It may not be direct answers to the original questions, but it's exploring the ways a new baby interacts with existing relationships with people other than the co-parent, so is all good. Let the thread be what it will!
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #16  
Old 10-31-2011, 07:02 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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MZ, yes I get what you're saying ...but I had client once and she was pregnant and we were going over the calendar and schedule of what needed to be done on the project and it centered around a date she had in her day timer, back in the days of pen an paper. It said " hospital" ...she said she would going in that day ....stupid me thought ...for what?? tests , something unrelated, so I ask ...she says no I'm having the baby that day. I said isn't that a natural process can't be scheduled ...she says yes it is but it 's going to occur on that day. I don't know if they were going to induce or take by C section that day but the kid was born that day. And we were having this conversation 5-6 weeks in front of that date so nothing would surprise me anymore. And I've heard some of mid-wives tales on XYZ so that gives you some insight to my very limited experience and comment.

Also I wasn't thinking in term of actual "paternity" because you said that was impossible I was thinking in terms of just freak out potential.
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  #17  
Old 10-31-2011, 07:39 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
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I said isn't that a natural process can't be scheduled ...she says yes it is but it 's going to occur on that day. I don't know if they were going to induce or take by C section that day but the kid was born that day.
Yeah, generally the doc induces labor or schedules a c-section around his golf games, or not to miss a holiday at his weekend house.
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  #18  
Old 10-31-2011, 10:23 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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MZ I hope you don't go on Dec 24 or 25, and if you do, I will be sending companionable mama thoughts to you. It might be a skeleton crew on xmas/eve at the hospital ( I have a friend that happened to... and Daddy needed to go home with their toddler. Although some hosps have double beds to encourage family members to sleep over with you nowadays). I hope you have someone to keep you and baby company the whole time.

If your boyfriend has shown some interest in the pregnancy, I'd warmly encourage him to come to the hospital. If it gets him yearning for a kid himself, well, that might be a good thing for him in the long run. Maybe he'll meet a poly girl and you will be at that birth someday! (i can dream, can't i?)

AB, I am sure how involved an OSO is with her lover and the new baby depends on the specific relationship, some lovers are more involved with the OSO and metamour than others. Were you to break up, you have no legal recourse, but I hope the family would honor your bond with Bee.
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  #19  
Old 11-01-2011, 12:17 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
AB, I am sure how involved an OSO is with her lover and the new baby depends on the specific relationship, some lovers are more involved with the OSO and metamour than others. Were you to break up, you have no legal recourse, but I hope the family would honor your bond with Bee.
Oh absolutely... each relationship is different amd so everyone will do things in a different way. I find each example interesting because it provides a different perspective and a different model. I find it fascinating to see how people's lives differ and/or overlap with mine and each other's.

As for if we were to break up, I wouldn't be involved with them if I didn't trust them, so unless it was somehow a deeply bitter thing I assume there'd be no problem with me staying in Bee's life.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #20  
Old 11-01-2011, 09:22 PM
SpringtimeMama SpringtimeMama is offline
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I wasn't poly when my toddler was born but I'm hoping to still be part of a trio when the next baby comes. I can tell you, this relationship was given a big assist by my pregnancy hormones. So I hope it lasts past the birth of my daughter.

My hopes for our relationship when the baby comes:
1) Knowing that my husband has another lover will allow me to listen more closely to my body and libido. I won't feel the need to have sex so that he feels attractive and appreciated.
2) Extra hands to help with the myriad things that a newborn, toddler, and postpartum mama need. Especially because my husband will be working full-time rather than having the super flexible schedule of a graduate student this time around.
3) An opportunity to see myself as an adult woman and not just D&B's mommy 100% of the time (we practice attachment parenting, so it can get pretty all-consuming).

I do worry that my husband and I may pull back from K due to sheer exhaustion. I hope that all goes well and that she gets what she needs from the relationship.
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