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Old 10-31-2011, 02:01 PM
LittleSara LittleSara is offline
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 34
Default Transitioning back to an Honest Life...

So the situation is... I'm new. I have cheated in my past... because I was unsatisfied, felt like monogamy was not for me... etc. But I always felt terrible during and afterwards. Because I didn't want to hurt anybody, hiding my true feelings was always painful.

And then I found out about polyamory - where it's OK to love more than one person at once. As long as you are all honest and open. What a relief!! May sound strange that I needed "permission" to be honest but it's much easier to admit to something (wanting to be poly) when you don't feel alone.

I've been looking for this for a long time.

So... let me give a shot at the jargon... I am in a "Vee." I have a primary and a secondary relationship with 2 men. They know about each other but they have never met. They both see other women- sometimes I meet them sometimes I don't.

My secondary is a very open guy. He doesn't really know about "poly" but he is, because he is honest and takes good care of all of his relationships. He would only introduce me as a friend though, not a girlfriend, which I am fine with because I don't really understand that word anyways.

My primary, I've been seeing him almost a year now. (I haven't had sex with either of them, close but not yet... if that matters at all...) I feel a very close bond with him, love him even, and he feels the same way about me. I met him before I learned about poly and was still hiding my other relationships, if I went on a date with another person, etc. He has multiple relationships too and was keeping things hidden. But we were honest with each other and I think that's part of what made us bond so quickly.

I eventually became open, not just with him, but if I went out with another person for a couple of weeks, I would let them know about my preference... and I am still trying to become more secure but, I'm "coming out" slowly...

The issue: My primary doesn't want to come out at all.

Of course it's his choice and I still love him... but I also know a couple of the girls he sees... and it's difficult not to be honest with them. But they are his relationships not mine, even though I feel connected to them, I can't "out" him. I feel very strongly about that.

But at the same time I don't want to "cheat" anymore. So...

It's a pretty painful situation, how much time should I give him? I love him very much and don't feel like I have the right to judge him when I was so recently that way...

I'm still growing as a person, I have made and continue to make mistakes...

I appreciate your honesty.

Last edited by LittleSara; 10-31-2011 at 02:14 PM.
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