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Old 11-02-2009, 08:45 PM
Karelia Karelia is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 81
Default Struggling

The past couple of months in our triad have been rough. Our GF got a crappy new work schedule that results in her being gone from about 1:30 pm to 12:30 am. My husband works until 3:00, and until last week, I also worked until three three days a week. I lost my job, but that's a whole other story (& mostly not relevant). She is also now off Fridays and Saturdays, so we only have one day where we are all together for an entire day.

Just to make things more fun, she's had oral thrush for a very long time... it's been - and I am not exaggerating - over ten weeks since we've been able to kiss her. It has gotten to a point where we barely think about it. We just don't kiss her anymore. We're used to it. In two weeks, it will be 50% of the time she's lived with us.

As I posted several weeks ago, I read stuff I shouldn't have (see that post here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=939). In doing so, I discovered that all of us have screwed up in some way. We knew she lied to us about something, because we caught her red handed. It wasn't a BIG thing, but it was a bold faced lie, which neither him nor I tolerate. We understand WHY she lied (she's terrified of conflict), but that didn't negate the fact that she wasn't honest with us when confronted on something. And in some ways, the fact that she lied about something small was even more concerning... because big stuff is even harder to be truthful about for a lot of people.

As for him, I'd been insecure about a few specific incidents. When she first moved in, as I've mentioned in earlier posts, I was on a medication that was quite literally making me crazy. There were a few times during that where they were alone (once when I was napping and they were in another room, and once in our bed when they both happened to wake up in the middle of the night, but I remained asleep) and things got heated between them... however, primarily out of fear of hurting me and having to deal with the fallout of that, they didn't have sex. The first time that happened, I told them to feel free to wake me up any time to have sex. I have the highest sex drive, and I have no issues with being seduced awake! I think it's kind of hot, frankly.

Anyway, a few weeks after the first incident, there was a second time. This was the time when I was in bed with them and they didn't wake me. Now, at the time, we were having issues with her withdrawing from us, both sexually an emotionally. She has no coping skills, and whenever life is stressful, she retreats into a shell. So, he told me about the moments they shared, but told both me and her that he didn't have sex with her, at least in part, because sex doesn't fix problems, no matter how nice it is.

It nagged at me, though. These incidents bothered me. I felt like the real reason they didn't wake me wasn't fear that I'd be upset that they'd started without me, but because they wanted to be alone - and THAT would upset me. I've never gotten caught up with either of them and didn't want the third involved. Now, that doesn't mean I haven't enjoyed having one of them all to myself when the third declined... but I've always wanted the other person there. This excludes any planned alone time, obviously... though, honestly, there've been times even when alone where I wouldn't have minded invited the third person to join. I didn't, because that sort of defeats the purpose of alone time... but the thought crossed my mind more than once.

Anyway, in reading their transcript, I discovered that at least the second time, he did, in fact, want to be alone with her. Worse, that night we were all together, and they were talking about this... and about how they wanted to be together, but he felt like he "owed" me sex... so he was with me, instead of with her. I remember that night because I'd been clued in on what had happened between them that morning... and I was really surprised he decided to have actual sex with me over her, because I figured he'd go to her given what they'd shared earlier. I remember feeling wanted and relieved... and when I read what they said about me, I was crushed and felt betrayed.

(This is gonna be too long, so continuing this in a new post)
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