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Old 10-31-2011, 03:27 AM
SuddenlyStoneElf SuddenlyStoneElf is offline
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Boulder, CO, USA
Posts: 36
Question Becoming polyamorous / Healthy way to deal with eventual pain?

Hello all,

Would any of you have some words of encouragement for me perhaps?

I'm currently in a monogamous relationship, married with a man I believe is polyamorous. He hasn't had the experience of it yet (only mono relationships so far) and we've gone back and forth on the subject with him swaying towards a sexually open "emotionally free" relationship, which I am fine with, and then the full polyamorous experience of loving another woman along with an accompanying sexual relationship. I've only known about the possibility of respectful, true polyamory for a couple years now--the time we've been dating and later married.

The way he sees love and emotions (as universal, a Buddhist view) is one of the things we have in common, and is also what makes me certain he is polyamorous--I think the "uncertainty" he displays sometimes is because he doesn't want to scare me away.

I had previously done the (hard) work of opening myself up to the possibility of a shared sexual relationship, or of "letting my man roam", but had never considered it possible to have a solid relationship with someone whose *heart* isn't entirely mine (I must add that the sense of "owning" someone like that no longer makes sense to me).

My reasons for wanting to become polyamorous are multiple, but start with the fact that self-improvement is my ultimate goal in life, I want to be the best "me" I can be, and I do not want my own experiences to be limited by social preconditioning any more than I want to limit my husband's experiences.

I would like to open up to the possibility of him actually loving someone else without that meaning I am insufficient, or that I am being replaced, or that he's outgrown me. I also want the freedom to love another man in the future without it being the end of my current relationship.

Except... it may actually happen that I am no longer "enough" for him at some point, that he outgrows me. Time is a finite resource, we all seek new experiences, new connections... Sometimes, the new ends up meaning more than the old. These things are facts of life to me, not something I can choose to ignore or forget about (they have all been proven in my own past relationships). I realize monogamy is a sort of contract that limits exposure to these realities, but everyone is "supposed" to sign without knowing what they're giving up...

To resolve the issue of eventual pain and loss, I have read posts that suggest concentrating on the fact "that nobody is irreplaceable", that I can find another partner, that it's alright if people outgrow each other, that being alone isn't so bad...
It seems to me that these suggestions cheapen relationships and actually make them all interchangeable!! "Don't worry, if your husband likes her more, you can find another guy to replace him, too!" Yech.

But I see the wisdom in them, I mean, who can predict when or with whom, or HOW people fall in love?

So I know of no ways to move towards polyamory without feeling like the floor will drop out from under me. It feels as though I have no choice but to face all these painful things at once, in advance, or I will experience even worse pain when I see my husband falling for someone else.

"Remaining monogamous" would be the easy way out... it would let me ignore these issues, but that is not who I am anymore. The cat's out of the bag, I have to / want to do this, or I will always wonder what I am missing and hate myself for stunting others. I am also very happy with my husband and do not want to end the relationship just because my head was "programmed wrong" by society.

Any suggestions?....
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