NRE or falling in love?? feeling tortured!

[beginninglove]

As an aside, this morning when Alex was feeling testy about me making requests to spend more time with Sam, she said she thinks I might be a "sex and love addict". I did a serach for this term on the forums but had a hard time finding anything specific. Maybe this is another thread, but what do folks here generally think about that concept. It seems to have such a negative connotation but I wonder if anyone thinks there is merit to the concept?

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by beginninglove

As an aside, this morning when Alex was feeling testy about me making requests to spend more time with Sam, she said she thinks I might be a "sex and love addict". I did a serach for this term on the forums but had a hard time finding anything specific. Maybe this is another thread, but what do folks here generally think about that concept. It seems to have such a negative connotation but I wonder if anyone thinks there is merit to the concept?

*rolls eyes* Yes, sex addiction is a real thing. You can look it up. No, you're not an addict for falling in love and enjoying sex with your gf. Unless the whole human race is, in which case it's meaningless. That was either dumb, silly, or just mean of her to say.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by beginninglove

As an aside, this morning when Alex was feeling testy about me making requests to spend more time with Sam, she said she thinks I might be a "sex and love addict".

Wow, that's such a passive-aggressive remark to make. Sounds like she didn't really want to discuss it and so she took a potshot at you - an easy way to plant a seed of insecurity or self-doubt in you. Not nice at all.

[beginninglove]

thanks, i thought that's what folks would generally say. i'm just gonna ignore Alex's comment as her trying to get a rise out of me and move on. i'm pretty sure i'm not a sex addict, i just happen to be having a lot of great sex with Sam right now...and that's a FABULOUS thing.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by beginninglove

i'm just gonna ignore Alex's comment as her trying to get a rise out of me and move on.

Why ignore it? Why not tell her you don't appreciate such remarks and ask that if she has a problem with you to verbalize what it is directly? You sweep little shit like that under the rug and, believe me, it will build up! Then someday you'll regret never having put the kabosh on it sooner. You won't do either one of you any good by allowing stuff like that.

[beginninglove]

damn, you are so right. thank you for calling me out!

i'm realizing through this feedback that i need to get a LOT clearer in my communication with Alex and let go of guilt and also not allow her to jab at me or use my guilt to try and make me feel bad. i have noticed that i have had quite a bit of self-doubt come up around this stuff (i.e. am i just being selfish? am i a good enough communicator to make this happen in a healthy way? am i too used to getting what i want and am thus being a brat for asking for it when it hurts her? etc). Alex has been talking to MANY of her friends about what has gone on between us as we have been exploring non-monogamy, and i think its easy for a lot of our mono friends to say judgmental things and help her feel like she's really going way out on a limb here in accommodating my needs. i've noticed myself avoiding particular friends (mostly HER friends) as a result.

[rory]

Originally Posted by beginninglove

As an aside, this morning when Alex was feeling testy about me making requests to spend more time with Sam, she said she thinks I might be a "sex and love addict".

Others have already commented one possibility: that she's wrong and wants to make you feel bad (unconsciously or consciously). There's another option though: that you are (or she thinks you're) a NRE addict and she's trying to point that out. Or maybe not an addict, but that you're letting NRE cloud your judgement.

I don't know if there is truth to that, but this makes me feel that there might be

Originally Posted by beginninglove

Here's another aspect of what is coming up for me... I have been seeing Sam and having this really mind-blowing sex, and often I tell Alex beforehand "I won't see Sam for such-and-such amount of time after this" but then I find it REALLY hard to stick to that. Am I being selfish and just need to suck it up and not see Sam for the period of time I said I wouldn't?? Or is it fair for me to say, wow, I thought I could go that long without seeing her but I really want to see her again sooner.

I agree with the comments others made about your way of communication here. But I wonder if you're really just making unrealistic promises and want to see Sam, or if NRE makes you feel you'd like to spend every waking moment with her, and Alex is worried that's what you'd do if she gives up the control.

How long do you promise to spend apart and how much time would you like to spend with Sam? Are you keeping a clear head with the NRE (i.e. evaluating whether how you want to act is reasonable towards everybody), or do you think your every feeling is justified and you should follow it? If NRE was making you feel like you want to spend pretty much all your free time with Sam (and she was available), would you stop yourself and take Alex into consideration?

I'm not saying you're being inconsiderate in NRE: I don't know what's going on. I'm just saying you may be, and that maybe you should consider that option, too.

[redpepper]

Couple of things; your gf would do better to talk different people, not the friends who are giving her negative advice and making unhelpful comments. Some mono people like to get together and find ways to degrade what poly people are working towards... some poly people like to get together and bash monogamy. Neither is helpful. All is damaging. I think she needs to find friends that are willing to investigate and wonder about poly in order to be helpful. It sounds like none of them are knowledgeable about poly... maybe she should read here. Our biggest tag here is "mono/poly." She would be in good company.

I think if someone were to say what she did to you about being addicted to love, sex, whatever I would wonder what is going on for them. I think I would let her know how it made you feel to be accused of that and ask her what is going on for her. You are not addicted to anything, as others have said. You are in NRE.... maybe she could find out more about that. You could also ask her to use different words when she is frustrated, feeling left out, feeling threatened. I find that giving people the words that I understand and can hear without feeling defensive and hurt really helps.

I would say something like, "you know, I am having a really great time with so-and-so and I would feel much better about it if you were happy for me, but if you aren't and are going through some stuff about it, I would much rather know what that is like for you so I can support you rather than hear words that seem to be coming from a place of you wanting me to feel ashamed. What's going on for you? Tell me how you are feeling rather than putting it on me please. I would like to work on this with you."

I don't think getting pissed off with her is compassionate towards the negative feelings that to me, she quite obviously has. Communication becomes better when one empathizes I find. It means you will have to put your feelings aside in order to get at the bottom of hers, but the end result, I have found in doing that, is that I feel better than I would of if I hadn't of considered my partner above my self first.

[beginninglove]

thanks for the solid words of advice. i do think it is just NRE and i don't think i am "addicted" to it, whatever that means. i've thought a lot about this over the weekend and realized i would not spend all my time with Sam even if Alex was not in the picture. which brings me back to something i said in an earlier post, which is that i realize i am just feeling ambivalent about my relationship with Alex in general. i was feeling this before i met Sam and this is not about wanting to be with Sam, its about me not wanting to be in a committed relationship at all. i have been feeling this for about a year now, and i'm terrified to do anything about it. i have a ton going on in my life right now, and i'm generally feeling pretty stressed out. but everytime i sit with my feelings about Alex, i feel like i want to get out. and i keep convincing myself to stay. i thought that if i had someone like Sam in my life I would feel happier with Alex, because I would be getting those needs met elsewhere. but Sam is perfectly meeting those needs, and i still feel unhappy in my realtionship with Alex. i realize that it was naive to think that just I could get certain needs met elsewhere and then *poof* my relationship with Alex would be great again. it was better for a minute, but now its just hard and stressful again. i don't want to have sex with her. we have been in couples therapy for four years with a really amazing therapist, who i know is part of the reason we are still together, because she helped us with our communication so much. i want to leave but i don't know how. i'm afraid of hurting her, i'm afraid of the gauntlet i feel i am going to have to endure from our friends and community and just generally the shitstorm i imagine will ensue. i keep telling myself maybe i should stick it out just a little longer, maybe things will get better. but i just keep feeling stuck and unhappy.

[nycindie]

Mmmm. The problem with hoping things will get better is that they don't get better all by themselves. Believe me, I know from experience. So, I think, even though you have been in therapy for four years together, it's still not working either because you two haven't gotten to the core issues, or it's done and time to walk away. If you "always feel like you want out," that should tell you something. But it's not anyone else's place to judge you if you do end the relationship. I hate when people get like that.

Another thing to consider (and address in therapy) is whether your feeling stuck and unhappy has to do with Alex, or if it's something you bring with you to every relationship. Maybe that has nothing to do with your current situation, and is a learned pattern you've habituated yourself toward. Look back at past relationships and if they had a similar downward spiral, that may be something to look at.

I think you should also acknowledge yourself for connecting the dots and making this realization. Some people go 20 years in shitty situations always hoping it will get better, and it goes nowhere. Also, it's really fucking awesome, I think, that you have seen it's not about being poly or mono that will make your relationship or life rewarding, and that it's not necessarily having multiple partners in your life that will bring you happiness, peace, or satisfaction. It's all about being honest and true to yourself first.