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  #1  
Old 11-02-2009, 07:33 AM
NightDragon NightDragon is offline
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Default I think I failed

First let me appologize. I'm typing this through many tears and will probably ramble.

Things have not been very good here with the Dragons. I have recently discovered that I am controlling and have major depression issues that might very well stem back to my childhood. In short it has made me codependent.

On top of this, I don't want Dragonfly to be "IN" love with DragonBorn. When we first discused having anyone joining us it was mostly just sexual. When anything was brought up more it was ok for feelings to develop, but I don't think we thought ever feelings like this were possible. All we said to each other was, "You're mine!" I never would have thought DF would be "IN" love with anyone else other then me. And god damn, not in less then 2 months. Anyways... you have all heard that before.

Well now, DF is out talking with DB somewhere. She doesn't know what she's going to do. With either of us. She might stay with me and not him. She might stay with both. She might stay with him and not me.

How did I fail? Did I fail as a husband that cause a void in her heart that DB was able to fill? Did I fail as a human being? I love her so much that it feels like a HUGE sword is stabbed me right through the heart. It hurts so bad, and all I want to do is die so the pain stops. But I can't do that. I just today come to understand that I am included in the equation of her happiness. That I am at least part of what makes her complete. I hate that I have to share in "completing" my wife with DB.

On top of this I no longer feel complete. And so the pain continues and grows, turning and turning in a viscious cycle feeding it self in misery. All I can think of is maybe this would have been different if we would have discussed this possiblity? Would it be different if me and DB were bi? Would it be different if DB was a woman? Does any of this even matter if I'm going to loose my wife, the greatest thing that has ever come into my life?

Please someone I need answers! I need to know what to do!!! We have been comunicating. OMG, it feels like that's all we do is fucking talk! I'm so sick of talking! How do I get rid of this pain?!?!? What do I do to save my marriage? What do "I" do to be able to deal with her being "IN" love with another man? How do I not go completly fucking crazy when they are going to be alone, doing god knows fucking what let alone falling more and more in love with each other?!?!

Please... please... please...
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Old 11-02-2009, 08:05 AM
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poor nightdragon... I feel your pain, it sounds like it is really hurting right now. I don't know what it's like to feel that way. I can honestly say I never have. I hope to god that I never do.

I do however understand your dragonfly. I understand entirely. I understand beyond what you are both going through at the moment and what it can blossom into for EVERYONE. I don't want to belittle your pain, I really don't, but it does get easier.... are you sure there is not something else going on in the form of a gut feeling about what they share? You have felt like this for awhile now no? Perhaps there is something you are missing, not getting, not seeing clearly? Just wondering....

Mono helped me through some major issues last winter around my inability to be alone. My husband went through similar feelings you are as a result, but he eventually saw the change in me and consequently how I relate to him and was thankful to Mono as he was unable to add anymore help. The two of them take great pride in offering me two different but equally valid forms of support... right now Mono is snoozing on my shoulder while my husband sleeps having went to bed early due to a flu bug coming on. I would be alone tonight on our date night if Mono hadn't of come over to chat, have tea and eventually fall asleep while I go on the forum. My husband rested easy knowing my needs are taken care of so he can look after his.

Hope this helps in some way... I guess I am saying what I always do... go and find out what you are missing in your life, for "YOU." Not what you and dragonfly have together, but your own personal alone time "you (I feel as if I have said this before). " At the very least, if it all doesn't work out you will be better for it and if it does work out, you still will be better for it. Embrace yourself, embrace the work it takes to work on yourself and embrace the space you now have as she sorts out her own life. That doesn't mean less love, but FAR MORE. It takes a strong love to be able to let someone go and be themselves in the world, knowing they love you regardless.
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  #3  
Old 11-02-2009, 08:21 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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My friend, you and I need to go have a drink together. Our third just pulled some amazingly fucked up bullshit and brought our relationship and frankly a large portion of my self confidence crashing down hard.

Every petty, stupid insecurity and feeling of worthlessness and failure that I've spent 13 years of self discovery and life experience putting to rest has reared their ugly little heads in less than 48 hours. I didn't even know most of them still existed in there.

I'm sorry to hear you're hurting. I misplaced your number, call me. Believe me, I'll be up, lol.
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  #4  
Old 11-02-2009, 07:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NightDragon View Post
First let me appologize. I'm typing this through many tears and will probably ramble.

Things have not been very good here with the Dragons. I have recently discovered that I am controlling and have major depression issues that might very well stem back to my childhood. In short it has made me codependent.

On top of this, I don't want Dragonfly to be "IN" love with DragonBorn. When we first discused having anyone joining us it was mostly just sexual. When anything was brought up more it was ok for feelings to develop, but I don't think we thought ever feelings like this were possible. All we said to each other was, "You're mine!" I never would have thought DF would be "IN" love with anyone else other then me. And god damn, not in less then 2 months. Anyways... you have all heard that before.

Well now, DF is out talking with DB somewhere. She doesn't know what she's going to do. With either of us. She might stay with me and not him. She might stay with both. She might stay with him and not me.

How did I fail? Did I fail as a husband that cause a void in her heart that DB was able to fill? Did I fail as a human being? I love her so much that it feels like a HUGE sword is stabbed me right through the heart. It hurts so bad, and all I want to do is die so the pain stops. But I can't do that. I just today come to understand that I am included in the equation of her happiness. That I am at least part of what makes her complete. I hate that I have to share in "completing" my wife with DB.

On top of this I no longer feel complete. And so the pain continues and grows, turning and turning in a viscious cycle feeding it self in misery. All I can think of is maybe this would have been different if we would have discussed this possiblity? Would it be different if me and DB were bi? Would it be different if DB was a woman? Does any of this even matter if I'm going to loose my wife, the greatest thing that has ever come into my life?

Please someone I need answers! I need to know what to do!!! We have been comunicating. OMG, it feels like that's all we do is fucking talk! I'm so sick of talking! How do I get rid of this pain?!?!? What do I do to save my marriage? What do "I" do to be able to deal with her being "IN" love with another man? How do I not go completly fucking crazy when they are going to be alone, doing god knows fucking what let alone falling more and more in love with each other?!?!

Please... please... please...
FIRST and FOREMOST-take a deep breath.
You need to pause-slow down.

Maca has MAJOR control, depression and insecurity/trust issues due to his childhood. It nearly did us in as well. We've been together 11 years and only in the last two month has anything begun to change.

I can tell you what it took. HE had to take a chance. You can't annihilate a fear if you won't face it and work THROUGH it. Not run from it, go THROUGH it.

Obviously the two of you need to address (you and wife) what NEEDS exist. BUT for you to do that you MUST take your control, fear, depression OUT of the equation. You can not identify TRUE needs from that mental state. Maca has started counseling with me AND alone. Learning to pull himself out of the emotions is KEY and learning to make decisions from a place outside of them as well.

I think he could clearly understand your position. He's at work right now, but you might send him a PM. When he gets home he always checks in here and I know he feels your pain in much of his life.

Don't make rash decisions right now. Just as they say with grief after a death-NEVER make major decisions at that moment. It's dangerous because you could easily make ones you will later regret. You need to ask your wife to pause as well. Let her know you just aren't clear-headed or ok and you need time to get that under control so you can make reasonable decisions. You ought to let the other Dragon know as well.

Just PAUSE. Don't hit "delete" so to speak on anything in your life. AND Look for a counselor who deals with trauma. They tend to be better at dealing with the ongoing effects of childhood issues that erupt into your adult life.
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Old 11-02-2009, 09:07 PM
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It sounds like you and I had/have a lot of the same issues. Seriously, bro. You have no idea. Or maybe you do, I dunno.

If you need someone to talk to, HMA and I are nearby. I was lucky, I guess. I get to work through my feelings on my own time, now that Anne is gone. I'm so sorry you're stuck.

I wish my best for you.
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Old 11-02-2009, 10:28 PM
NightDragon NightDragon is offline
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Well right now Dragonfly is out, driving around, or sitting somewhere, I don't know, alone with just herself and her thoughts so she can figure out what she wants, needs, etc.... I'm here loosing my mind waiting to find out that I'm gonna loose everything! And now even if she does choose to be with me, I can no longer accept DragonBorn in our relationship. I can not trust him. He gave me his word that if problems arrose with me and DF that he would at least back off temporarily. Instead he's waiting to hear DF's decision and find out if he's the lucky one. I thought he was my friend. I trusted him. And now because of him I run the risk of loosing the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I loose my world, everything. I have nothing without DF. Nothing! She says she'll buy me a plane ticket. To where? She says FL to my mothers. Great, my mother lives with her fiancee. So that will be lovely. "Here let my son live here on our sofa and lets support him cause he moving here without a job, a vehicle, or any money." Oh ok, that's not really an option. I could be sent to my fathers, where again I'd be moving without a job, a vehicle, or any money, and then worst I get to be continueously brow beaten on how I'm a fuck up and a piece of shit and how luck I am that him and his family have taken me in. Talk about getting help....

Thank you all for listening. I'm sorry that you have to hear about my tragdity. I just don't want to loose my wife! I want this knife out of my back from someone I thought was a friend. I want this pain to go away!!!
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Old 11-02-2009, 10:37 PM
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Sorry to hear this Nightdragon...sincerely.
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Old 11-02-2009, 10:38 PM
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I sent you a PM, NightDragon. I feel for you SO HARD right now.

I totally understand where you're coming from, and I hope everything works out. It's fucked that DB would give you is word and back out. Eff that. I'm so sorry.
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Old 11-02-2009, 10:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NightDragon View Post
And now even if she does choose to be with me, I can no longer accept DragonBorn in our relationship. I can not trust him. He gave me his word that if problems arrose with me and DF that he would at least back off temporarily. Instead he's waiting to hear DF's decision and find out if he's the lucky one. I thought he was my friend. I trusted him. And now because of him I run the risk of loosing the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I loose my world, everything.
I know it's hard to give clear cut answers when emotionally you are spinning out of control. But I have some questions...

Why are you and he "waiting to hear DF's decision"?
Did one of you give her an ultimatum?
If so-who?
How is the fact that he's doing the same thing as you are making him untrustable?


It's a gut instinct-with no confirmed info-so please bare with me.
But it sounds like maybe you are being a little bit of a drama king?
OBVIOUSLY you are hurt, upset, scared and freaking out-that's OK.
But I guess I wonder if you can't understand that all three of you are in this situation and each of you is human, prone to mistakes and prone to confusing emotions as well.

I'm pretty sure I read a thread earlier (correct me if I'm wrong) that you were having issues with her emotions for the other guy. But honey-please don't take this as condescending, she can no more control her emotions than you are controlling yours right now.
Loving him-does NOT necessarily mean she does not love you....
I'm not trying to be difficult-I know pain is pain.

But I also know that Maca gave me an ultimatum at one time that it was he or C. I chose him-lost myself, we nearly lost our marriage because of that. So I went behind his back to find myself again-and we nearly lost our marriage because of that.

Only now when he's accepted that it is simply IMPOSSIBLE for me to just "stop loving" C because Maca is insecure and Maca is leaning on me lightly for support while working his BUTT off to deal with his issues, have we found the marriage we always wanted and he thought my love for C would steal from him.....

I can't help but wonder if your undealt with fears are the true cause of you pain right now and not anything he did......
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Last edited by River; 11-03-2009 at 09:21 PM. Reason: code repair on quotation
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Old 11-02-2009, 10:43 PM
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Sorry dude...about everything. I was hoping I'd be able to offer a little something to your situation, but it sounds like it's being overtaken by events. And events which are not on! I wish you the best...and hope things calm down a little so you two can reset.
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