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  #41  
Old 10-28-2011, 05:26 PM
Chimera Chimera is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Holy serial posting, RedPepper!
Made for interesting reading and this thread represents why I don't think there can be a poly community as such.

So the OP and I have poly in common, but are about 180 degrees apart in the politics that come out in the comments. I see it as a huge rationalization with New Age-y jargon for not dealing with someone who is cheating, and not recognizing one's own responsibility in that kind of a situation. There was no generous thinking toward the other woman, who was being lied to. That kind of lying takes her decision-making power away from her. Talk about egos involved.

I'm with RP for most of this one!
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  #42  
Old 10-28-2011, 07:09 PM
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The OP's position on this is why cheating sites think they can say they are polyamorous sites. Very frustrating I find to be working towards something I consider noble, only to find others working towards giving it a bad name by cheating and saying that they do it because they are poly. In my view anyway. At one point I didn't identify as poly for this reason (and others). Then I decided that I admired the ethics of MOST poly people and wanted to be a part of THAT instead. To me its very important to divide cheating from poly. Poly to me is a way of being inside that can cause people to cheat as a behaviour, but poly is not the behaviour of cheating itself.
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  #43  
Old 10-28-2011, 08:19 PM
LittleSara LittleSara is offline
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But... I think there is a transitional phase - maybe "coming out" phase? - when someone is still coming to the realization that their feelings aren't bad, shouldn't need to be hidden.

(Sorry if I'm bringing up a thoroughly discussed topic, feel free to redirect me to another thread. It just seems relevant here...)

And I still love him, but he doesn't want to tell anyone else he starts seeing about me... but how can I judge him if I was like that so recently?
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  #44  
Old 10-28-2011, 08:26 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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LittleSara,

Have you started a thread about your situation? If you describe a bit about what's going on in your life, others can make suggestions, talk about their experiences, and so on. And, yes, you may get responses you think are wrong, misguided, insulting, not useful, uncomfortable, annoying, or off topic.

But many people find responses helpful. Of course, it is certainly not required and one can learn a lot just by reading current threads or searching older posts. That said, you clearly have something on your mind. I encourage you to start a thread.
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  #45  
Old 10-28-2011, 08:54 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by LittleSara View Post
And I still love him, but he doesn't want to tell anyone else he starts seeing about me... but how can I judge him if I was like that so recently?
I agree, you might wanna start a thread? But let me just say, like others have said to the OP, if he's willing to lie to them what makes you think he won't lie to you, or isn't already?

You deserve better than to be someone's dirty little secret. They've done studies that show it's literally unhealthy to keep an important part of your life a secret. What will he do on, say, Valentine's day or other holidays? The lies will just compound and compound.

You don't have to judge him as a person in order to say "this behavior isn't right for me."
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  #46  
Old 10-28-2011, 08:56 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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You don't have to judge him as a person in order to say "this behavior isn't right for me."
In fact, I think that's the very point that many people thought the OP was missing.
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  #47  
Old 10-29-2011, 05:31 AM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Originally Posted by Moonmama View Post
Namaste! So nice to be here

I have been in poly relationships since I was 15 and I have always been super happy, confident and open about those relationships with everyone. I'm now in a marriage with my husband, and have a poly partner, who has been in the closet poly. He has never been in an open poly relationship so e always cheated. He had a girlfriend when we met, and fell in love with my husband and I. He now has learned about poly and sees that there are other types of deep spiritual relationships outside of the "norm" that dont have to involve limitations of monogamy. However he still has a "non-poly" girlfriend who is in the dark about what has been going on. She was going to be moving away but now is staying and so now I'm in the place of feeling uncomfortable that there is darkness in what was going to be moving in to he light very soon. By no means do I want him to end it with her, I just want him to be honest with her. He feels it would make things hard for her. I have never been in a poly relationship where there wasnt openess and honesty so this perplexes me. The three of us are pregnant I might add. I'm not a controlling type person either, and am not looking to force his hand, nor am I a pushover. I believe in the divine unfolding of things but lying does not resonate wih me. I have been honest about my relationship and pregnancy wih most of my friends but there is a small group of mutual friends that I have to lie to at this point. I would like some feedback if anyone has the time <3

In love and light
Moonmama
Without reading My Apologies all Replies.....I'd have to just say bottom line is........Control is not yours......over others! Only you telling how you feel and being ok with your partner/husband/gf/bf/just friend......considering your feelings at there discretion. If signs are being shown that make you feel one way or another then..........YOU must Decide for YOURSELF if you want to be involved in Their lives after SEEING behaviors that cause YOU to have internal TERMoil.....lol just Split the words TERM - oil = Not mixing

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  #48  
Old 10-29-2011, 05:34 AM
polytriad polytriad is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
The OP's position on this is why cheating sites think they can say they are polyamorous sites. Very frustrating I find to be working towards something I consider noble, only to find others working towards giving it a bad name by cheating and saying that they do it because they are poly. In my view anyway. At one point I didn't identify as poly for this reason (and others). Then I decided that I admired the ethics of MOST poly people and wanted to be a part of THAT instead. To me its very important to divide cheating from poly. Poly to me is a way of being inside that can cause people to cheat as a behaviour, but poly is not the behaviour of cheating itself.
You are a GREAT QUEEN....You always have good in-sight...
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  #49  
Old 10-29-2011, 05:42 PM
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Originally Posted by polytriad View Post
You are a GREAT QUEEN....You always have good in-sight...
Thanks, I apprreciate that, but really I figured out how I feel about it all through writing on this thread and others about cheating. I guess in time things get sorted for me. Life is a great puzzle. I just hope my muzings are helpful.

I decided to start another thread on this elsewhere in order to discuss further http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=108451#post108451

Littlesara, I look forward to reading yours too. You might of already started one, I dunno, I haven't looked around much today. If you do it would be great if you could link it here for others who find this thread in the future.
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-29-2011 at 09:07 PM.
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affairs, cheating, children, deception, deciet, dishonety, ego, kids, lying, mistress, new age philosophy, pregnancies, pregnancy, promises, the other woman, trust

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