Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 10-27-2011, 08:41 AM
newpolyguy newpolyguy is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1
Question the unicorn search (please don't judge!)

I am rather new to poly, though my girlfriend is experienced in the lifestyle. We are a deeply committed couple; I am 34 (m), she is 24. She is bisexual, while I (unfortunately) am not. We allow each other intimacy with approved partners outside of our “primary-ness” (boys and girls for her, just girls for me obviously). We are picky about our secondaries and don’t get involved with just anyone — we have pretty clear rules about that kind of thing — and as a result we find amazing secondary partners for the most part, all of whom have inevitably become good friends with both of us. Needless to say, the trust factor is pretty high.

But our mutual favorite is the Unicorn … and she IS elusive, isn’t she? We've had a hell of a time finding a third, and we absolutely love triads. We have had two wonderful experiences with unicorns, but unfortunately none that lasted long. One turned out to be a serial monogamist who pretended well, but was actually in between bad relationships and dumped us for her new boyfriend (whom we had unwittingly encouraged her to pursue). The other woman, who is truly the “real deal” and is as crazy about us as we are about her, lives across the country and can’t move away easily (she has kids). C’est la vie.

But we persist in our quest! Our acceptance level is high and our expectations are low. We don’t care too much about age, ethnicity, lifestyle, or any kind of poly-fidelity as it were. We care about trust, communication, and love … and strongly believe in encouraging independence in our third partner as much as we encourage independence with each other. And includes her finding a committed primary of her own if that’s her desire (though hopefully we could be included somehow in the equation!).

So my question: how can we find someone compatible without seeming creepy and/or overly-demanding?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 10-27-2011, 08:45 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by newpolyguy View Post
She is bisexual, while I (unfortunately) am not.
Wow, I don't think I have ever heard "unfortunately" in terms of not being bisexual. Most would say, "fortunately." Awesome that you see it that way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by newpolyguy View Post
We have had two wonderful experiences with unicorns, but unfortunately none that lasted long.
Seems to be common amongst unicorns that they are not a long term arrangement. Not to say that it doesn't happen, just that it is rare. I have found from listening here (if one could call reading listening that is) that they are usually in between relationships, unable to take care of themselves financially or emotionally or both and are looking to be with the man as an end result; in a "vee." There are triads that work and work well... it seems that the ones that do evolved out of friendships over time and circumstance. Perhaps you are taking the wrong approach and should look for poly friends without intent to date, but just see what happens. The worst case scenario would be you would develop a lovely community of friends around you.... not to bad I would think. Best case might be finding a suitable partner for a triad.

Quote:
Originally Posted by newpolyguy View Post
We don’t care too much about age, ethnicity, lifestyle, or any kind of poly-fidelity as it were. We care about trust, communication, and love … and strongly believe in encouraging independence in our third partner as much as we encourage independence with each other. And includes her finding a committed primary of her own if that’s her desire (though hopefully we could be included somehow in the equation!).
You should stead very well with these expectations. By the definition of unicorn, this is not the criteria for one. Unicorns are poly-fi.... but whatever, you have obviously thought this out well and learned what you are looking for. If you are into semantics then I would say you are looking to find a third for a triad rather than a unicorn. It might help to put that out there instead so that others who know the term don't think you want poly-fi.

Quote:
So my question: how can we find someone compatible without seeming creepy and/or overly-demanding?
Well, just don't be creepy and overly-demanding! Seriously, I would think that if you just sit back, relax. Make some friends. Enjoy who comes into your life and might go from your life. See where you go when you put what you want out there, but realize that it might take time.

Doors open when they are ready to in my experience with this. Forcing it doesn't seem to warrant success and seems to actually prohibit success. It sounds to me like everyone you have both dated has taught you something that will add to what you will eventually receive if you ask for it. Be careful what you ask for though, it might be that you are better off with what you get. How does the song go? "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need."(Rolling Stones) That has been my motto for years and I am living in a happy functioning vee with two other partners on top of that as a result (in my belief anyway). Never thought I would get here, but enjoyed the journey! "Life is a journey, not a destination".... there is another one for you.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog

Last edited by ImaginaryIllusion; 10-27-2011 at 10:44 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 10-27-2011, 11:55 PM
arianne arianne is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 5
Default

I'm currently in a triad relationship (yep, the unicorn) and it wasn't something I went searching for. I've known the couple I'm dating for over 3 years now... it maybe wasn't a natural evolution from friendship but the friendship helped us form a solid foundation.

I guess I also don't fall into the typical "unicorn" mold... I came out of a relationship but wasn't really in-between relationships (the previous relationship was more of a non-relationship) and I'm definitely financially and emotionally stable.

Oddly I'd probably be perfectly happy in a mono relationship too.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 10-28-2011, 12:44 AM
polyq4 polyq4 is offline
Spaminator
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 106
Default unicorn definition from urban dictionary

Colloquial; Synonym for hot bi babe or HBB, often derogatory, condescending, or ironic. A bisexual person, usually though not always female, who is willing to join an existing couple, often with the presumption that this person will date and become sexually involved with both members of that couple, and not demand anything or do anything which might cause problems or inconvenience to that couple.

The term is often used to be dismissive of a couple seen to be only superficially polyamorous. Because of the demands that this type of couple places on the woman (that she be single and not take on any additional partners, and become involved with both members of the couple equally, and often "complete" their family as a surrogate mother and housekeeper and/or breadwinner and not do anything that may threaten or disrupt the existing couple), many in the poly community call this type of woman a "unicorn", as in mythical and not likely to be found, even though there are plenty of bipoly women around.

Sometimes the unicorn is expected to not develop any emotional attachment and is strictly there for a sexual relationship (equally distributed to both members of the dyad) and/or is prescripted as a secondary. This term is used as a reminder that bipoly women are people with their own desires, needs, and pre-existing lives, and not fantasy figures or pets. See related prescriptive vs. descriptive.
John wants a single, attractive woman who will love and have sex equally with him and his wife, but not interfere with their marriage, move in together, help raise their kids but not have any of her own, and not have any other partners. He's looking for something that doesn't exist - he's looking for a unicorn!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 10-28-2011, 03:34 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,229
Default

I would say that you're a couple interested in the possibility of eventually finding yourselves in a triad with another woman if it should happen to work out for all three of you... and while that may superficially look just like unicorn-hunting, it's actually radically different.

My take on the whole unicorn thing is that unicorns do not in fact exist. A unicorn us not a person, she's a couple's naive, idealized, unrealistic, and ultimately (maybe consciously but usually quite unconsciously) self-serving *idea* of a woman. You sound like you're willing to see and accept a woman for who she really is and consider her needs and desires in a balanced, flexible, and realistic way... again, to my mind, completely different from unicorn hunting.

So, I'd just make that clear when you're meeting women! When you've got a good vibe going, you can say something like "Hey, you seem awesome. We're open to whatever might develop here, whether it's casual or serious, a vee or a triad, whatever actually works for all of us. Some day we both think it'd be really neat to form a triad with the two of us and a woman who dug us both, but that's only if it would actually make sense for all involved... we're not tied to that structure and aren't trying to dictate to you how things oughta go, whether or not you like one of us or both of us, who else you can see, or anything like that at all."
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 10-28-2011, 11:50 AM
polyq4 polyq4 is offline
Spaminator
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 106
Default Unicorn

I posted the definition of unicorn because I kinda saw it as not being true poly, poly means loving of more than one. This has a woman basically locked down as something between a servant and a lover. I could never see myself 'hunting' a unicorn. It just doesnt feel poly. Would I love to have a woman be part of our life, ones of course, but I would not put any restrictions on her any more than is on anyone else in our partnership.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
one penis policy, opp, polyamory, polyfidelity, triad, unicorn, unicorn hunting, unicorns

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:06 AM.