Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 10-17-2011, 07:47 AM
meshaya meshaya is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 2
Default Morality Question

My husband and I have decided to officially enter into a poly relationship.

I'll just get down to my question.

The guy I am interested in knows that I am in an open marriage, has met my husband, knows that I am interested in him, and is interested in me.

He is giving me very mixed signals though. On the one hand, we have a great friendship and romance. At times we are extremely close. We care for each other deeply, enough to argue at times. Other times he seems to "remember" that I am married and it bothers him. He absolutely refuses to have a sexual relationship and he says the only thing stopping him is the fact that I am married.

I really and truly care for him. I just want to pursue a romantic relationship with him while he is single and open him up to the poly lifestyle. I would be over the moon if he found someone to marry and live happily ever after with, in fact I have tried to set him up with friends.

The bottom line is that I really feel like I have a connection with him and I want to pursue it further.

I know that I can "convince" him to enter into a sexual relationship with me and then take it from there.
My question is whether I should do that. I am torn between pressuring him a little because he seems to act as if I put a little pressure on, he will be happy to fold. Or if I should just take what he says at face value? If I take him at face value then I am not going to allow him to flirt with me and take me on dates because that is sending mixed messages to me.

Any words of advice or encouragement/discouragement are welcome!
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 10-17-2011, 08:02 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,413
Default

Well, you will have to accept that you can't always get your own way. If he doesn't want to be involved with you sexually, respect that. You can't force polyamory on him if he doesn't want it. That would be very inconsiderate and, actually, NOT poly because poly is meant to be consensual. Besides, if you could pressure him into it, how icky that would feel to know you pushed him into something he doesn't feel good about participating in!! You're being selfish!

Some people do have non-sexual partners as part of their poly tangles. You could just continue to cultivate your friendship with him and let him be who he is. Look for sex elsewhere. Having a tantrum isn't going to get you anywhere. Nor will that kind of energy or approach do either of you any good. Accept the fact that he doesn't want that kind of relationship with you and move on.

BTW, there is no such thing as "the poly lifestyle." You want him to be part of your lifestyle, which includes polyamorous relationships. But it isn't what he wants, so leave it alone.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 10-17-2011 at 09:37 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 10-17-2011, 08:05 AM
meshaya meshaya is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 2
Default

I'm being completely selfish... It's something I am working on. Thank you for calling me out though, I dont always realize that I am being selfish. Its not all about me.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 10-17-2011, 02:37 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

I agree with what nycindie says about enjoying dates and attention and leave the sex alone. He doesn't want it and eventually he will resent you for going on about it I think. He doesn't agree with the way you do marriage and is being respectful and acting out of his own integrity... That is rare! Why damage that. If I were you I would tell him all that and then vow to leave him alone, let him flirt, appreciate the attention anmd look elsewhere.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 10-17-2011, 06:43 PM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 822
Default

There is also the chance that if you back off from trying to make it a sexual relationship, he will see over time that poly really IS working OK for you, and your husband, and decide it's a safe enough plunge for him to take.

Maybe he knows he would hate himself if he slept with you and spent his live feeling like he is immoral. If you care about him I can't see how you would not let him make his own decisions.
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 10-20-2011, 10:50 PM
bulrush bulrush is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: West Michigan
Posts: 37
Default

1. You should not try to seduce him. He has already said he is not comfortable with sex with you at this time. That is his choice, regardless of the basis for that choice.

2. If he is not a good fit, try someone else.

3. Another idea. Has he met your husband? Maybe he feels guilty because he thinks your husband will be mad if he sleeps with you? He should meet your husband and become friends with him, and he should also ask your husband if it's ok to sleep with you, just to reassure him.

(Sometimes we need labels or names for these people, like Guy1, Husband, Wife, Girl2. Sheesh.)
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 10-24-2011, 06:37 AM
Moonmama Moonmama is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Southern Cali
Posts: 22
Default

I agree with the meeting the husband part especially. Fear of the unknown....
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 10-27-2011, 10:59 PM
bulrush bulrush is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: West Michigan
Posts: 37
Default

If I meet a girl who claims to be poly, I would really prefer to at least talk to the husband/boyfriend.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 10-27-2011, 11:52 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,413
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by bulrush View Post
If I meet a girl who claims to be poly, I would really prefer to at least talk to the husband/boyfriend.
Hmm, obviously you're making an assumption that any poly woman you meet is part of a couple or has a primary with whom she negotiates her actions. Interesting. What if you met a poly woman who tells you she is solo and has a few lovers who have equal standing with her (she does not use the "primary" designation), and that they don't have a say over what she does, or that none of them feel any need to meet her other lovers unless things have progressed a certain amount. Would you be suspicious?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
adding a partner, converting a mono

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:32 AM.