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  #241  
Old 09-28-2011, 07:30 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
First of all, it's not impossible to be in NRE with 2 people at the same time.
I was going to mention this, too, but forgot. I never heard of that idea before, that you can only have NRE for one person at a time? Seems a rather ridiculous idea, as if our emotions can only be measured and parceled out a certain way. I don't even think this applies here. BL, if you were worried that Sam was feeling NRE for you and then would switch to feeling NRE for someone else, just put that idea out of your mind. First of all, you don't know what her thoughts or feelings are, if she's even experiencing NRE with anyone, and you have no control over that anyway. All you can do is take care of yourself, strive to be as stable and balanced as you can, and take care of the people in your life by listening, loving, and responding with caring. Everything else will fall into place.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #242  
Old 09-28-2011, 10:24 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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At the beginning of our V, I had NRE with my bf AND a renewed, crazy gratitude-love for my husband, for agreeing to it. I was walking on cloud nine! Even though it was an adjustment for my husband, there was no way he could deny me the happiness I was feeling. He couldn't help but feel compersion when he saw how giddy I was.

Naturally there were waves of jealousy that followed, which complicated things and often made for a nasty backlash. But we worked through that to reach another good place, again and again. We're still on the roller coaster (off topic from this post) but I just wanted to agree with NY and Mags -- NRE CAN "swing both ways." It did for me, anyway.

Glad you're here. Good support and lots of hope here, no need to feel tortured any longer. You are not alone. Welcome.
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  #243  
Old 09-29-2011, 05:23 PM
OpenandCountry OpenandCountry is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carma View Post
At the beginning of our V, I had NRE with my bf AND a renewed, crazy gratitude-love for my husband, for agreeing to it. I was walking on cloud nine! Even though it was an adjustment for my husband, there was no way he could deny me the happiness I was feeling. He couldn't help but feel compersion when he saw how giddy I was.

Naturally there were waves of jealousy that followed, which complicated things and often made for a nasty backlash. But we worked through that to reach another good place, again and again. We're still on the roller coaster (off topic from this post) but I just wanted to agree with NY and Mags -- NRE CAN "swing both ways." It did for me, anyway.

Glad you're here. Good support and lots of hope here, no need to feel tortured any longer. You are not alone. Welcome.
I am experiencing the same thing with my bf/husband right now! It's like I have NRE when I'm with either of them! @ the OP, you are definitely not alone, and I wouldn't let anyone else determine what is "possible" or "impossible" to feel about someone else. Rather, what is the best way to handle what you're feeling in a relationship? Again, I love nycindie's suggestions.
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  #244  
Old 10-02-2011, 11:55 AM
Casey Casey is offline
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The whole falling for fuck-buddies does happen.

That's how Shannon and I got together. After we had both successfully had many fuck-buddy type relationships before. Although even then we still denied it for months (to the extent our mutual friends declared we were dating no matter our protests). Even then I didn't believe them I had "real" feelings for Shannon until a pile-up on the motorway we got tangled up in - I was putting it down to NRE, and all our mono friends just not understanding.

But, perhaps consider this a time to re-evaluate other relationships, of all sorts. Start pouring energy into them and see what happens. Re-direct some of the NRE into your long term partner, into others too. Shannon always knows when I have a new one, as the way I act changes, I become more attentive and loving, as I begin using the NRE in my other relationships.
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  #245  
Old 10-27-2011, 11:22 PM
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beginninglove beginninglove is offline
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wow, this thread has been incredibly helpful to me already. THANK YOU!!

the insight about my relationship with Alex is fairly right on. i don't think i have been putting enough energy into that relationship, partially because i have been feeling ambivalent about the relationship in general, and partially because i probably have been out of balance with getting really focused on my NRE for Sam. generally speaking, there has been a lot of processing with Alex and very little sexy energy, but i do feel a renewed love for her since we have been exploring this together and our communication has improved tremendously. i can totally see why people describe this as a path of spiritual growth.

a bit of an update: recently Sam did tell me that she has stronger feelings for me than "fuck-buddy" status. in fact, she told me that she thinks she is falling in love with me. i was floored and muttered something about how i had been thinking i was feeling that too, but to be honest i wasn't expected her to say anything like that so i was really taken aback. since then, i've been feeling really intensely about her, missing her when i haven't seen her for days, but trying to be respectful of the boundaries and agreements i have set up in my primary relationship with Alex.

i guess my question is, when i do feel like i want to see more of Sam than my current agreements with Alex permit, how do i give myself permission to ask that of Alex when i know she already stretching herself A LOT to even be exploring this with me? i don't want to get back into the habit of not being honest about what i am doing, which was what i used to do before exploring being poly. i find myself being tempted though, to see Sam without explicit permission from Alex, and that is terrifying. i DON'T want to go back to my old ways.
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  #246  
Old 10-27-2011, 11:40 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Wait a minute - you have to ask Alex for permission each time you want to see Sam? Why??!!!

Edit: Oh, I just reread your post and so I gather that you and Alex have an agreement regarding how many days per week you see Sam, or something to that effect. Sorry, I thought you were going to Alex before planning each date and asking permission.

I think there is probably a moment in every relationship when re-negotiations take place regarding boundaries. But it doesn't seem like you're really ready to re-negotiate yet, and are just trying to be prepared for when you do. I would say to get real clear about what you want, first and foremost. If you just have in your mind some vague concept of seeing Sam more often, it will make it a little hard to express what you want. So take some time to feel what you feel and see what you want before asking for changes.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 10-27-2011 at 11:46 PM.
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  #247  
Old 10-27-2011, 11:45 PM
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beginninglove beginninglove is offline
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I do have to ask Alex for permission each time I want to see Sam. That is our current agreement. I guess becuase she wants to be looped in at all times. It has been very frustrating for me, and I suppose I just haven't had the courage to make a strong request to revisit this agreement because Alex is so adamant about needing to rebuild her trust for me and wanting to have a say in everything I do with Sam. Does this seem crazy???
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  #248  
Old 10-27-2011, 11:50 PM
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Here's another aspect of what is coming up for me... I have been seeing Sam and having this really mind-blowing sex, and often I tell Alex beforehand "I won't see Sam for such-and-such amount of time after this" but then I find it REALLY hard to stick to that. Am I being selfish and just need to suck it up and not see Sam for the period of time I said I wouldn't?? Or is it fair for me to say, wow, I thought I could go that long without seeing her but I really want to see her again sooner.

I'm feeling like I am haivng a hard time knowing what I want, asking for what I want, and sticking to what I say I wanted.
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  #249  
Old 10-28-2011, 04:44 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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The thing about poly is that it's about loving, real, important relationships. I get that that wasn't the "plan" with Sam but it's what you've got and you'd do well to honor it. That means, to my mind, letting it grow at its own pace. Not getting sucked into NRE and forgetting about Alex, by any means, but also not letting her entirely dictate what pace is ok for *your* feelings... I mean, how must that feel for Sam?

Do. Not. Lie. To. Alex. You'll be violating both her trust and Sam's by saying you're in an honest, open relationship and then not living that way. Do the brave thing, the thing that will ultimately strengthen your relationships rather than weaken them, and just communicate!
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  #250  
Old 10-28-2011, 04:48 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by beginninglove View Post
Or is it fair for me to say, wow, I thought I could go that long without seeing her but I really want to see her again sooner.
Um, YES, it's ok to express your feelings and ask if compromise if possible. What would make you think it wasn't? Are you holding onto guilt from the cheating, or do you often have problems expressing your needs, or is this just a hang-up related to poly?
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