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Old 10-26-2011, 11:41 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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So, 3quarks had a couple secret affairs. Undermind is wary of whether she can be trusted and thinks a quad relationship, or even a triad, where all 3 or 4 participants are always together, never one on one, would help to create transparency and rebuild trust in 3quarks for him.

All very well.

Has nothing to do with reality.

Say you were lucky enough to find a "unicorn," who seemed to be into both of you equally. You have some nice non-sexual dates, good talks, flirting. Then you progress to sex, have some hot 3ways. NRE abounds.

There will come a day when 3quarks gets more texts from Miss Unicorn than UM does. There will come a time when Quarks is sick and UM is horny, and Miss Unicorn comes over and wants some action, or to go out to eat, or cuddle and watch a movie, whatever. There will come a day when one of you is working a lot of overtime and the other is lonely and wants Miss Unicorn's attention. Add infinite scenarios and you get the picture.

Also, consider Miss Unicorn's feelings. Maybe she really prefers Quarks' personality or sexual touch to UM's. Maybe even during 3way sex, they get along better, have more Os, with each other, than with you. Does this reduce jealousy, or increase it?

And it just becomes more complicated if you add 2 people (another couple) into the mix. The combinations of personalities, desires, sense of humor, shared interests, etc, increase exponentially.

It's so much simpler to just each date separately. Share details of feelings, next steps in intimacy, things said in person or messaging, with each other all you want. Personally I do not recommend reading each others' emails or texts, since this is violating to the privacy owed to the new partner, but paraphrasing and exploration of feelings is great.

Also, in the "ideal" quad scenario, is there real motivation for 4way romance, love and sex? Are you both biamorous, meaning you both crave not just sex, but romance with others of the same sex as you? UM, do you want to fall in love with a man? Do you want to always be as loving and cuddly with him as you would want to be with his wife or gf? Or do you just want to suck a cock? (this is common with men)
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixi (poly, F, 40) together since 2009
My bf Kahlo (poly-friendly, M, 45) since August 2017
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's bf for 5 years

Last edited by Magdlyn; 10-26-2011 at 11:45 AM.
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Old 10-26-2011, 08:50 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Originally Posted by UnderMind View Post

I am the partner of 3Quarks. She's quite correct in stating that these are issues that we're really struggling with, but I feel it's necessary to expand a little on the context of perhaps why they're so difficult for us: Bluntly, there were non-consensual affairs that came to light nearly two years ago (some 11 or 12 years into our supposedly monogamous relationship). Regrettably, trust was pretty much blown out of the water and we've been having to work pretty intensively on re-establishing that trust, re-negotiating boundaries, learning how to be together and communicate honestly.

Thus, when I voice my desires for open, transparent communication, it's because I retain a deep fear that the umbrella of privacy will again be used to hide things that I strongly feel it's really not OK to hide in a relationship.
I understand your position, and your desire. However, 'trust' will not be established by a tight-rein being held. All that will do, is confirm to yourself you must be in the know about everything, in order not to get hurt.

Trust is established by making 'training wheels' that are reasonable boundaries. Boundaries that people can live up to. Boundaries that push for some faith, without going crazy. Then, you build on the successes.
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Old 10-26-2011, 09:04 PM
3quarks 3quarks is offline
Join Date: Oct 2011
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Default Still learning

Thank you for all your input guys; we both really value it. I think you can appreciate that the privacy issue has been a very sore, raw spot for the entire two years, and well, it came to a head this week, resulting in the posts here.

We have chatted extensively about this (and these posts) this week and have found some inroads to solving the situation. As FireChild noted in her relationship, we often don't seem to be speaking or hearing the same language. This is especially the case when it's around quite an emotionally-fired topic.

I would like to reiterate that we have done substantial work around communication and trust issues and do feel ready to embark on a poly lifestyle, although using baby steps and agreements but at the same time not being too prescriptive and limiting on either us or others we involve.

One of the main issues appears to be around things we agreed on when starting down this road but now, two years later and much more informed, now find that our perspectives have changed, which is resulting in the need for renegotiation. I don't think we really cottoned onto this until this past week.

We have a lot of talking to do - but then, it's all about communication, communication, communication...and more communication! I think the main thing we have to remember is to set agreements based on what we would like to happen and how to share it with our partner instead of basing them on the perspective that relationships as 'bad' or 'threatening'.

Again, thanks guys.

Last edited by 3quarks; 10-26-2011 at 09:06 PM. Reason: bad wording
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Old 10-26-2011, 09:52 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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For me it was a matter of time. Full disclosure, radical honesty, reading emails/writing emails together was all part of our journey to get where we are now. Now there is just no time and no desire... we just trust, and that is all. That took A LONG TIME to get to. Ya, renegotiating and checking in are what its all about really.

There are a lot of interesting ideas and thoughts if you do a tag search for "lessons" and "foundations." Might be helpful.
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