Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #111  
Old 10-25-2011, 06:15 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,660
Default

Have a good read around here and educate yourself first. Do a search, read the stickies, do a tag search. This site is not particularly for open marriages although a lot of couples start that way or with swinging. I would recommend finding out what you want and what you could deal with if she decides she wants the same things.

Remember that when you address this with her she will be starting at zero. You will need to be very patient and respect her process. It will be a rollercoast of ups and downs for sure. We are here to walk both of you through it if need be. It might be a good idea to suggest she read here also.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #112  
Old 10-26-2011, 11:32 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,046
Default

Do you romance your wife regularly?

Get a babysitter and take her out on dates?

Tell her how sexy she is? Buy her lingerie and sex toys?

Try new things in bed with her?

Help with the housework and childcare so you two have more time for romance and making love?

Not saying you don't, but I think what lots of men miss is that a woman's desire is often tied to how desirable her partner finds her. If her enthusiasm has waned, perhaps she's not getting enough of the message from you that you want her. Maybe she's tired at the end of the day from her work as a wife and mother and wants to know she still turns you on. Maybe she is self-conscious of her body after having babies. Whatever it is, I think that delving into finding out, understanding, and dealing with any issues surrounding the changes in your sex life should take place wa-a-a-ay before trying polyamory or other forms of non-monogamy and being sexual with other women. That could be just opening a can of worms if she's feeling rejected. And having a sexual relationship with someone else, just to make up for what is lacking in your marriage, is not a nice way to treat another woman coming into this situation. You'd be putting her in the role of sex toy.

So I say look at what's missing in your marriage first and make changes to improve and deepen your intimacy with your wife, before trying to get your jollies with other people.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 10-26-2011 at 11:55 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #113  
Old 10-26-2011, 11:59 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,131
Default

I agree with Cindie, plus I want to ask, what were the "disasters" that were involved in your previous divorces? What did you do wrong, what lessons have you learned? Is this latest marriage also heading into disaster because your wife no longer desires you? Was this a pattern in your previous relationships? Did you cheat before and this time you think polyamory or an open relationship would be better?

If you have young children with your latest wife, do you even have time to date other women? Would she resent the time you take away from the family to pursue these other romances, while she's elbow deep in diapers and dishes?
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
Reply With Quote
  #114  
Old 01-07-2012, 06:10 PM
PolyKat PolyKat is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 38
Question Our first open discussion on going poly...

I talked to my fiance just moments ago and told him that on my road to self discovery, it would help if he found a girlfriend.

He wasn't comfortable with the idea, but was willing to give it a try. Questions and Answers later, he found himself at the, "at some point, are you going to want to 'connect' with someone too?" and then shut the whole thing down because the thought of me with another man sickens him. I told him that would be a non-issue for now, and we would go at his pace and just start with him having other relationships.

We're going to talk later, and I don't know if it will be the beginning of a new experience, a standstill, or the end of our relationship. I'm not trying to push him into letting me do anything. At this point, I want him to understand my feelings towards monogamy and maybe experience polygamy for himself so he can see that when falling in love, it doesn't have to be limited to two people.

In the meantime, I'll consider becoming bisexual because he's not threatened by anyone without a penis. I don't dislike women, I'm just afraid of vaginas.. I wouldn't know what to do if faced with one (Pun Intended!)

Any advice on how the follow-up conversation should go? No, he won't read any books or articles. He'd prefer I just talk to him and he'll just.... who knows....

-Kat
Reply With Quote
  #115  
Old 01-07-2012, 06:41 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,046
Default

Well, first of all, don't "become bisexual" for him. Think about how another woman would feel if you were going down on her not because you wanted to but because you were appeasing him. She would feel like shit, and like a disposable toy. So, don't even go there. It's the most illogical, immature, disrespectful thing anyone could do and I can't even fathom why you'd consider it. Geez.

As far as your next conversation, I would lay it all out. That eventually you want another lover, and you want him to know that for you love "doesn't have to be limited to two people."

See, all you can do is tell a partner what you want and let them decide if they can live with it. If yes, then you negotiate how to make that comfortable, and what incremental boundaries get established, which later get renegotiated until everyone has what they want. No one should be giving each other ultimatums.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 01-07-2012 at 07:08 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #116  
Old 01-07-2012, 07:06 PM
Vixtoria's Avatar
Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 299
Default

I may be lost, but I'm horribly confused by a few things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyKat View Post
I talked to my fiance just moments ago and told him that on my road to self discovery, it would help if he found a girlfriend.
I'm unsure how someone else having more or less or different partners has ANYTHING to do with your own self discovery. For me, self discovery of being bi of being poly did involve major discussions with my spouse and affected our marriage, but it was about me. About what I wanted. More people in my life. I'm just lost how you would get help in 'self discovery' by someone else getting a date.

Quote:
He wasn't comfortable with the idea, but was willing to give it a try. Questions and Answers later, he found himself at the, "at some point, are you going to want to 'connect' with someone too?" and then shut the whole thing down because the thought of me with another man sickens him. I told him that would be a non-issue for now, and we would go at his pace and just start with him having other relationships.
Maybe it's just me. Maybe I spent WAAY too much time on certain poly/mono like lists where people were not really ethical but claiming to be. This seems to look like a case of "Honey you become poly first so you can enjoy it then I can tell you I want to date other people and now you can't be upset 'cause I let you date other people!" If the point is that YOU want to be poly then you work on that. Not making someone else poly first. It's not a science kit, it's a relationship.

Quote:
We're going to talk later, and I don't know if it will be the beginning of a new experience, a standstill, or the end of our relationship. I'm not trying to push him into letting me do anything. At this point, I want him to understand my feelings towards monogamy and maybe experience polygamy for himself so he can see that when falling in love, it doesn't have to be limited to two people.
See above. My husband and my boyfriend are both mono. They understand falling in love not being just two people because they are both in love with me and I am in love with both of them. I have told them they are of course welcome to have other relationships (sticking to the open communication and honesty thing we worked hard at), even that I'd kind of find it hot, but it's not required and I don't ask them to.

Quote:
In the meantime, I'll consider becoming bisexual because he's not threatened by anyone without a penis. I don't dislike women, I'm just afraid of vaginas.. I wouldn't know what to do if faced with one (Pun Intended!)
*blink*

I don't get this thing where women think they can 'become' bisexual. If you're curious fine, but it's not something you do like a party trick! Some people just know they are bi, or pan or whatever you call yourself. Some of us struggle with it. It's kind of off putting, personally, to hear someone say they are just going to try and become it for someone else. It's like saying you are going to decide to 'try' and become another race or something. If it's something you want to explore, say you are bi curious, but dont' say you are going to 'become' bi because of a OPP. That's heartbreak for someone just waiting to happen.

I would be DEVASTATED to begin dating a woman and find out she's not bi, not even bi curious, but just doing it for a boyfriend.

Quote:
Any advice on how the follow-up conversation should go? No, he won't read any books or articles. He'd prefer I just talk to him and he'll just.... who knows....

-Kat
Yes, tell him YOU are interested in becoming poly. Not him. That you aren't interested in women, you are interested in relationships with other men. Tell him that it's not a pressing need but one of those things where you just want the freedom to be able to pursue a deeper connection with someone should it come up. Offer to read Opening Up or other wonderful books that have been suggested TO him. It can be in a relaxed setting. I like doing it in bed together where we are relaxed and can discuss things as they are read.

DON'T, try and make him poly so you can be. DON'T try to change your sexuality so you can make him comfortable with you being with someone else that you don't even want to be with on a personal level just to fill this need for more people in your life. Both are ranging from slightly to definitely manipulative and a bad start to trying to be ethically non monogamous.
__________________
Me: Late 30s pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 19 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +4 year
Reply With Quote
  #117  
Old 01-07-2012, 07:22 PM
Icewraithonyx Icewraithonyx is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 63
Default

Quote:
No, he won't read any books or articles.
It's a small point, but this is a bit worrisome. When Wife first brought it up, I tried to read everything I could find in order to understand. Sometimes it took a couple of different versions before something made sense. Blatant refusal to even try to educate himself about the subject seems worrisome.
Reply With Quote
  #118  
Old 01-07-2012, 08:04 PM
PolyKat PolyKat is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 38
Default

Yes, I should have definitely used the words "explore my bicurious thoughts" and not "become bisexual". Forgive me. I would never just play with someone just for the sake of playing or proving a point, but I would be honest with someone every step of the way, as taking on a lady love would be new to me and I would require guidance and respect just the same. I've crushed on girls, I've kissed girls, but I have never been sexually involved.

I am, however, willing to explore other relationsips outside of my normal comfort zone (men) in order to respect his boundaries while at the same time fulfilling my need to explore having multiple connections.

As far as him dating someone and how that helps me, I need him to see first hand that he can feel something for another woman and still love me the same. He doesn't have to limit himself or deny himself connections with other people for the sake of not hurting me. If thier relationship works out, then good. If not, then he can leave himself open to the option of trying again with someone else or just being satisfied with me, but at least he will see that none of it comes from a place of bad intentions. I know it may not make sense to try to turn him poly so he can understand me, but I just feel like if he sees that loving someone else doesn't make him want to leave me because our love is strong, then he'll understand. And I really just want his non-judgemental understanding.

I don't have an end game in this whole situation. I just want the freedom to feel whatever I feel for whomever I feel it for without him thinking that it's either him or the other guy. I may not only have eyes for him, but he is the most important man in the picture.
Reply With Quote
  #119  
Old 01-07-2012, 08:56 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,660
Default

Gah, feeling a bit triggered here. I had lots of swinger sex with women who were not bisexual and doing it for the men. BLAH! So not okay, discusting to me actually.... This is why I am not into swinging anymore... among other reasons. I don't ever want to find myself in a situation where I have to "figure out" if someone is really bi or not. I don't want to be experiamented on thanks. It makes me feel dirty, cheap and undesirable. Its totally fake fun. *burrrr... shiver down my back. Backing way up on even thinking of all that.

Ya, I would be making buddy wait a REALLY long time if he is not interested in doing some learning and educating himself on this stuff. It shows great laziness and apathy to me. I would feel very uncomfortably disrespected as a result. What, your relationship is not worth working on?
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #120  
Old 01-07-2012, 09:34 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552
Default

Vixtoria said exactly what I wanted to say, only much better than I would have been able to put it.
__________________
~~~~~~~~~
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
coming out, coming out poly, communication, dating, disclosure, help sought, ldr, long distance love, new and confused, new to poly

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:03 AM.