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  #61  
Old 10-23-2011, 10:49 AM
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The little things.

It's so not surprising that in choosing partners I would pick people with attributes I value and find important in myself and others, and thus my two partners would have similarities in them. Both Alec and Mya are honest, trustworthy, open, sexy, loving, caring, respectful, understanding, and easygoing people with a lovely sense of humour.

But either it's a coincidence, or my subconcious is trying to tell me something, that they also share things I wouldn't have thought relevant, like the fact that they're both total geeks. <3

I also see things in them both, which I lack but like: I haven't conciously searched these qualities, but it might be that opposites attract, or a total coincidence. Both of them are a lot more social than I am: they actually talk to people they don't know and stuff. And it seems to be effortless for them to get to know new people (ok, I know it propably isn't totally effortless, but it sure seems to be easy). Also, they're both really sane, and have no issues. I only wish I could say the same about myself. No, but seriously, I think it's good for me to have partners who have normal energy levels, since I usually have either more or way less, and that's enough to handle in everyday life.
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  #62  
Old 10-23-2011, 02:07 PM
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Both Gia and Davis have social anxiety to varying degrees, which kinda blows my mind, as I'm a very social person... I'm an amateur actor, I communicate with strangers constantly for my job. One serious partner who would usually prefer to be at home or with a few close friends versus out in a crowd would be one thing, but two? I can only guess that I was seeking balance without realizing it, or maybe I give balance to them and that's part of why they're drawn to me.
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  #63  
Old 10-23-2011, 09:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post
But either it's a coincidence, or my subconcious is trying to tell me something, that they also share things I wouldn't have thought relevant, like the fact that they're both total geeks. <3
Haha! That's true and I find it funny that me and Alec have also other similarities like this which are quite random. For example our work histories have some similarities even though we haven't studied even remotely same things.

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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Both Gia and Davis have social anxiety to varying degrees, which kinda blows my mind, as I'm a very social person... I'm an amateur actor, I communicate with strangers constantly for my job. One serious partner who would usually prefer to be at home or with a few close friends versus out in a crowd would be one thing, but two? I can only guess that I was seeking balance without realizing it, or maybe I give balance to them and that's part of why they're drawn to me.
This is interesting. I think these things are something that people might search for in other people unconciously, fo balance or something. Maybe especially the antisocial ones are looking for the social ones. I don't know why it makes more sense that way in my mind.

This made me think of something. I don't really need much of my own space. I'm content if I get to spend some time on the internet every day but even that I don't have to do alone. I can talk to someone while I do that. I also have a lot of friends (consequences of being social I guess ) and I want to spend quite a lot of time with them. So what I do need is time away from my partners but what I don't need much is time alone. JJ and rory are both the type that need time alone. That fits me well if I'm living with a person like that. If go and see a friend, JJ gets time alone. Works great.

The situation is different when I'm visiting rory because I don't have friends there, except the one I mentioned before. So when rory needs time alone and I don't, I don't know what to do (and I guess that among other things led to her not getting enough alone time the last time I was there). If Alec is home when that happens, I can hang out with him. But during the week he isn't spending that much time at home and from that time we want to all hang out together and also he and rory need time together, so there isn't much left. I guess this is something we need to figure out how to deal with.
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  #64  
Old 10-24-2011, 05:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Mya View Post
This is interesting. I think these things are something that people might search for in other people unconciously, fo balance or something. Maybe especially the antisocial ones are looking for the social ones. I don't know why it makes more sense that way in my mind.
Oh, you don't find my antisociality (is that a word?) attractive? I'm hurt!

It's totally interesting how these things happen! I don't know if it's about compatibility in relationships, maybe more about how people get to know each other? As in, if I am an antisocial person, the friendship/partnership will only, or more easily, happen with somebody who's social. With two antisocial cases nobody's making the (what feels like an overwhelming amount of) effort needed, and so the relationship won't develop?

In our situation it might, in time, actually be that Mya and Alec will hang out somewhat more without me. Right now there's some poly weirdness, and both of them have more needs from me while we're getting used to the part-time living together. But once we get into the routine (and we get the car so that Alec will actually have some free time in the evenings), that might be a natural development. In the end, if/once they feel comfortable with it, it might be in all of our interests. I know that in my relationship and everyday life with Alec I am the one with more need for time and space of my own. He's gotten used to it with me, and has developed some similar needs of his own, but there propably are times he could use company when I can't offer that.
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  #65  
Old 10-24-2011, 11:24 AM
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Today I talked with Mya about metamour relationships. Originally, there were some random thoughts and feelings I wanted to express, but during the discussion it turned out that there was more to it.

I got this advice from Mono some moths ago, in the thread "Metamour love":
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One more tip: don't let your partners use you as a gateway for their communication. Encourage them to talk independently as sometimes we can hide behind the assurances of others that everything is ok. They should take it on themselves to check in if everyone wants a greater level of true connection and comfort.
It's increasing in importance by the minute. Until now everybody's been getting to know each other, and communication has mostly happened along the N: between JJ and Mya, Mya and me, and me and Alec. There hasn't been too much to communicate between metamours, it has felt less akward to just relay information when something has occurred, and I guess none of us really realised the importance before (even if me and Mya have read it here).

I'm happy to say that there haven't been any major miscommunications or anything like that due to this. However, me and Mya realised today that we've both had some heavy emotions and time&energy spent on handling them, which could have been pretty much avoided by direct metamour communication. Acting as a gateway is tiring, and you're taking on issues which aren't really yours, and which you can't do anything about. So we decided to start working on that from this moment onwards.

I've mentioned control issues, right? Somehow it's obvious that if me and JJ have some issue concerning the two of us, it's our responsibility to discuss it. However, at the same time I feel like it's my responsibility to make sure everybody gets along perfectly all the time. Rationally I realise that the world won't end if people have conflicts or disagreements; I just have to fight the irrational fear that comes to me with relinquishing control. There is a immediate reward, though: while I feel anxious whenever I'm reminded about my inability to control everything and keep everybody happy and satisfied 24/7, trusting others to handle their own stuff and letting go brings relief and relaxation that no illusion of control can bring.
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  #66  
Old 10-25-2011, 08:33 AM
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I read some earlier posts, and came across this.
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Originally Posted by rory View Post
Somehow, I'm becoming a very good listener. I think it comes from realising how important it is to listen. But I think there is some baggage I've left behind, and the concept of boundaries has been really helpful. For example, if Alec tells me about some negative feelings he has, I only take it as a statement of a fact. I listen and interpret it as it is meant: that he has feelings. I no longer take it to mean that he's blaming me, or attempting to control me, or that it is something he wants me to fix.
Mya caught me attempting the bolded yesterday to something she was feeling. Basically, I was trying to rationalise her out of feeling it. It's really good that she noticed it and told me to stop. It's a reflex really, and I do it with both my partners (and I'm thinking also in other relationships). I guess that's how I handle my own emotions so that I can manage them, so I try to do it for others, too, because I hurt when they hurt. And if the hurt is caused by something I've done, in addition to hurt I'll feel guilty (even if there is no reason to, i.e. it wasn't intentional) and that's even worse a trigger.

I guess it often can work, I can make a person feel better, and I suppose that can be good..? But it's sort of selfish, too. Also, if I actually succeed in managing my partner's emotions they won't do that themselves, and that's not beneficial to anybody. And sometimes it works so that it's harder to tell me things, because I act like I don't want to allow them to exist.. Even if I seriously don't mean to do that.

I'll need to try and be really concious about this, and stop it. I'm thinking that I should make an agreement with myself that:

1) whenever an emotion is expressed to me, I do my best not to react with anything but listening and sympathy, and allow my partner, and myself, feel whatever feelings there are.
2) If there are some excellent reasons in my head why that feeling shouldn't exist (and there pretty much always are), I will not express them in the same conversation. Maybe there should be a timeline, that I may not say them, unless asked, in at least 24 hours. I'm thinking that if my partner want's to discuss it rationally, I can say what I think, but I shouldn't offer my opinion before they have had enough time to feel the feeling..?

Opinions welcomed, please.
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  #67  
Old 10-25-2011, 10:51 AM
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Both of rory's recent posts have to do with the same conversation we had yesterday.

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Originally Posted by rory View Post
Mya caught me attempting the bolded yesterday to something she was feeling. Basically, I was trying to rationalise her out of feeling it. It's really good that she noticed it and told me to stop. It's a reflex really, and I do it with both my partners (and I'm thinking also in other relationships). I guess that's how I handle my own emotions so that I can manage them, so I try to do it for others, too, because I hurt when they hurt. And if the hurt is caused by something I've done, in addition to hurt I'll feel guilty (even if there is no reason to, i.e. it wasn't intentional) and that's even worse a trigger.
---
And sometimes it works so that it's harder to tell me things, because I act like I don't want to allow them to exist.. Even if I seriously don't mean to do that.
Basically all this was triggered by the fact that I'm still sometimes feeling bad about Alec not wanting to live with JJ and rory is having a hard time accepting that I feel bad. The conversation went something like this:

Mya: I'm still feeling bad about Alec not wanting to live with JJ. It makes me feel like JJ is being excluded.
rory: But it's not personal, it's not like Alec doesn't like JJ or anything. It's just the closeness thing.
Mya: Yeah, I totally get that. I understand it. And I'm not angry with Alec. But I still feel bad and there's nothing you can do about it now. I'm going to feel bad for a while and then I'm going to get over it, but it's not happening in a minute.
rory: But... (more reasons why I shouldn't feel bad)
Mya: This is not helping. You just have to let me feel like this for a while now and accept it. You can't rationalise me out of it, because I already know all the reasons why my feeling bad isn't the rational reaction but it's still the feeling I have.
rory: Maybe I shouldn't have even told you this in the first place, or I should've just told you that Alec doesn't want to live all four of us together and not mention he could maybe live with you, but not with JJ.
Mya: That's not the right way to handle it. You have to tell me important things even if you know I would feel bad about them. You just have to deal with me feeling bad and you not being able to do anything about it. Not telling isn't the solution. Would you want me to not express that I feel bad about something you've told me?
rory: No, I think it's important that we can express our feelings honestly.
Mya: Well then we just have to keep doing what we've been doing but you need to let me feel what I feel and get over it myself. And actually, this isn't even a thing that concerns you very much. I'm upset about something that Alec is thinking. Maybe I should just discuss this with him and get over it more quickly?

And then we got to the general discussion about talking to metamours more directly:

Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post
However, me and Mya realised today that we've both had some heavy emotions and time&energy spent on handling them, which could have been pretty much avoided by direct metamour communication. Acting as a gateway is tiring, and you're taking on issues which aren't really yours, and which you can't do anything about. So we decided to start working on that from this moment onwards.
This is something I've noticed in my relationship with JJ as well. He tells me something which makes me feel bad but it's not his fault, or we have a fight and he apologizes. And the next minute he expects me to feel better. I don't. My feelings don't change that quickly. I don't hold a grudge or anything, it just takes me a while to get over negative feelings even though the reason for them is already over. It's sometimes quite weird even for me. There have been instances where something bad happens and I can't get over it even if something good happens right after it. Fictitious example:

Teacher: You didn't pass your test.
Mya:
Teacher: Oh sorry, I was looking at someone else's results, you actually passed!
Mya: Oh, ok...

And then after like a few hours I might start to enjoy the fact that I passed. If I get a negative feeling, it just takes me over somehow. I do get over it, but I guess it takes me more time than average.
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Last edited by Mya; 10-25-2011 at 11:44 AM.
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  #68  
Old 10-25-2011, 11:36 AM
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You'll never guess what I got from JJ for my birthday!

Plane tickets to see rory!!

He is amazing. I can't believe he did that. I'm so happy!
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  #69  
Old 10-25-2011, 12:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Mya View Post
You'll never guess what I got from JJ for my birthday!

Plane tickets to see rory!!

He is amazing. I can't believe he did that. I'm so happy!
Cooooool!!! Very happy here, too! You can tell him thanks from me too.
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  #70  
Old 10-27-2011, 11:06 AM
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I saw a friend yesterday. She is having some jealousy problems in her relationship. Her boyfriend gets angry about very little things, like when she talks to strangers (men) in a bar. They're working on it and the boyfriend admits that it's a problem and is trying to change himself. The thing that struck me was when my friend said "I don't mind if he's a little jealous, because that means he cares. He just has to get rid of that ridicilous amount of it."

I replied to that with something like "I can see that some people might feel that way". The truth is, I see it as a recurrent pattern that people say and in that way I can understand it, but I don't really get it. For me jealousy comes from wanting to own the other person, not from caring really. I wouldn't want my partner to want to own me. I think I'm in a very rare position of never having been the object of jealousy and never being jealous myself. I've had three partners, so one relationship before these two that I'm in now, and none of those three people are/were jealous, or at least they've never expressed it to me.

This is really handy in polyamory. Yesterday JJ and I talked about his feelings towards that woman I mentioned earlier. I asked some questions just out of curiosity and he was like "Do you really want to hear this?" and I said yes, so he told me. I tried to observe my reactions and no, not a hint of jealousy. I know what she looks like so I know she's pretty. I'm sure some people would think she's prettier than me, at least she's thinner than me. I'm also sure that she has some good qualities that I don't. But that doesn't really matter. I'm unique and good enough just the way I am. I don't have to be better than her. If JJ finds some good things in someone else that I can't offer, that's only positive. But I don't know what I'm going on about, you all know these things anyway.
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