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  #21  
Old 10-24-2011, 03:04 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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You're dating a douchebag, who's dating another douchebag. Way past time to DTMFA. Seriously, you can do much, much better.
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  #22  
Old 10-24-2011, 12:08 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Sorry you had to experience that drama, but I guess you needed to see for yourself after you really didn't want to accept that there were red flags all over the place. I hope you won't go back into the lion's mouth (back with this guy), because clearly he is fucked-up.

Yes, poly can work. I know personally know people who have been poly for 15 years. There are many members here who have good, satisfying, emotionally stable polyamorous relationships in a variety of configurations and number of people involved. Of course, any human relationship has its challenges. I always recommend people here read TruckerPete's blog and Indigomontoya's blog. They are married (to each other) and in a Vee.

Polyamory as a relationship structure challenges the status quo. It is different than what most of us in Western society have been brought up with. But just like monogamous conventional marriage, which according to some statistics has a failure rate (divorce) of 75%, polyamory works only as much as the people in it are willing and able to make it work.

The guy's a jackass and we all tried to tell you this. His girlfriend is a drama queen. I don't think any of us who are poly would see much success in this scenario because of the players, not the playing field.
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-24-2011 at 08:38 PM.
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  #23  
Old 10-24-2011, 10:18 PM
cheryl cheryl is offline
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Well, I feel almost guilty, like I've painted an ugly picture of them, and I know they are both good at heart. I think if you place any three people in a situation involving strong emotions like love and sex and feelings of rejection or loneliness, people dont always behave well or rationally. And all three of us grew up in society that views romantic love as exclusive, where one person's gain is another person's loss. Its pretty hard to change something you've been conditioned to believe your whole life.

His girlfriend certainly didnt react any worse this weekend than I did after I found out, and maybe her jealousy now is kind of a delayed reaction, now that's out in the open and more "real," or because he didnt leave me and I didnt go away. Plus her own feelings for him are probably growing if what was just a "fling" before is now a meaningful relationship.

There's two sides to every story (in this case three). I can only tell mine. I'm sure his buddies think I'm the unreasonable one. I'm living at home, I'm not divorced. I'm afraid of being homeless, I'm afraid of never seeing my daughter. Maybe I'm just a coward. But what right do I have to say who he can or can't see or to even be jealous about it. She's single as well. According to society's rules, I'm the one completely out of bounds here. And even if the OPP is a double standard, I guess I'd rather have someone tell me what they can and cannot live with, fair or not, than have them tell me they are fine with it, when its actually a deal breaker. There's no point in people only being honest about the things nobody would ever disapprove of anyway.

She and I both have obligations that limit how much time and energy we can give another person. And he does need more. This should actually work, and when we are all thinking logically and empathetically, it almost does. But emotions like jealousy and insecurity screws everyone up, especially if its 3am and you're by yourself and cant sleep.

I dont think its just the individuals involved in my particular situation, or jealousy wouldnt be such a frequent topic on this forum. In one story I read here, the couple had a "dont ask don't tell" policy but they spent all their time trying to read each other's email or text messages. What's the point of that? I don't know how much information is too much information, but I guess I'd rather experience the discomfort of hearing something and adjust to it, than live with nagging doubts and uncertainty. I suppose if any one of us became too frustrated or unhappy, when the bad starts to outweigh the good, it could all change. I guess right now all I'm hoping for is that we can all be honest and kind to one another, and if they are the people I think they are, it shouldnt be impossible.
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  #24  
Old 10-24-2011, 10:55 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Well, okay, if you can stomach being with someone who gets angry if you have male friends, more power to you. I couldn't stand for that. I like the 21st century.
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  #25  
Old 10-24-2011, 10:56 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cheryl View Post
She gets jealous because I am at his place, goes out partying until 5:30 in the morning. She tells him the next day about all the guys hitting on her and how it wouldn’t have happened if he had been there to protect her. She says she wanted him there, but being around me, is just too awkward. He spends the day being mad at her, jealous, and taking it out on me.

So after he took me home, picking a fight with me the whole way because he wanted to drive off mad
If this is accurate, then, yes, you've painted on the ugly picture of them but only because the truth is ugly. You can beat yourself up about what the rest of society would think all you want, question your own motives, compare their bad behavior to the bad behavior of others as if to say "well at least we're not them"... and you're completely right, every now and then otherwise great people make mistakes or act irrationally.

Someone may be good at heart, but that doesn't mean they're healthy enough to have a healthy relationship with you right now. I hope that you're right and that this is just growing pains. If I were you I'd be asking myself how much am I willing to rationalize and how long am I willing to wait for them to get their shit together. Not to mention, how much drama and bad behavior am I willing to expose my daughter to. Just make sure that you're drawing the line somewhere that will leave your health, happiness and sanity, and hers, intact.

If you're going to stick with it then watch them both closely and make sure they're actually working on their issues and making progress... not just saying they will while repeating the same patterns.
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  #26  
Old 10-25-2011, 06:27 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Well, okay, if you can stomach being with someone who gets angry if you have male friends, more power to you. I couldn't stand for that. I like the 21st century.
Agreed. It doesn't matter if you act on it or not the power imbalance is what its about, not the sex.

By the way, I have a functioning poly relationship. Maybe doing some reading about what DOES work would help. My blog link is in my signature.
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  #27  
Old 10-26-2011, 05:00 AM
FireChild FireChild is offline
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I feel like you're vulnerable because you're stuck in a situation where you're SO close to someone you used to love but the love isn't there. Give yourself time to heal and transition.
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