Guys: How hard was that first step?

[RedAndTall]

Hello all, Tall one here...
My wife and I have had a more "swinging" sided relationship where we only have one Girlfriend / Boyfriend at a time (one of each, currently looking for another girlfriend.)
The question here is that I'm talking to Red about opening up the next level of things and actually letting her go out on dates with other men (and women).
I've found the whole thought process eerily similar to the first time I shared her with anyone (It was with a guy that was with us for over 18 months off & on).
It's that whole stomach knotting and nervousness about the possible negative outcomes. The rules would be that there is no actual sexual activity (kissing, petting etc. is of course fine.) However I know all too well how that can easily be a slippery slope. I want to keep our sexual encounters with both of us present and I'm not ready to fully open up to solo sexual encounters as of yet. however that is something I think we may eventually get to but right now it's still a rule.
I'm trying very hard to rely on the trust I have for her but it's not HER i'm really worried about. It's someone she dates trying to get her to break the rules knowing them before hand and then that would set off a whole slew of trust issues with him, her, etc. etc.
So My question is... How many SO's gradually got into this or was it something you just jumped into? And what was the experience like? I know it's different for each person but maybe something someone has to say would allow me to breathe a little easier...
Thanks,
Tall

[Anneintherain]

Originally Posted by RedAndTall

Hello all, Tall one here...
The rules would be that there is no actual sexual activity (kissing, petting etc. is of course fine.) However I know all too well how that can easily be a slippery slope.
I'm trying very hard to rely on the trust I have for her but it's not HER i'm really worried about. It's someone she dates trying to get her to break the rules knowing them before hand and then that would set off a whole slew of trust issues with him, her, etc. etc.

Well I had just jumped right in. I have not had a lot of partners, but none of them (and not something I've heard of a lot in experienced poly partners) tried to coerce me into overstepping my safe sex agreements with my husband. To both me and my husband, if anybody attempted to pressure us to cross those lines, they aren't somebody to be dated again.

In fact I have seen partners err on the side of caution, if there is a blurry line that one of us thinks it's OK to cross but we aren't 100% sure, we put of the activity until it is discussed and OK'd with any other partners before proceeding.

I think this isn't the first time I have seen a husband worried about his wife not having strong boundaries, or being a possible victim of predators, but it's good to trust your wife's common sense, if you think she has it.

Is there a reason you aren't seeking to date solo also? Would you be worrying less about her good or bad choices if you were?

[nycindie]

I think you will probably find a big difference in how poly men approach being with your wife, from how swinger men approach it. If the guy is experienced in practicing ethical polyamorous relationships, it's more likely he will respect boundaries and actually want to develop a relationship with her first, rather than just get her in the sack right away. Of course, there are both gentlemanly swingers and poly buffoons out there, but if you are both smart about how you try and find people to be in relationship with, I think you will be okay for the most part. Remember also that poly guys will often have their own sets of rules or boundaries they must abide by as well.

Perhaps you should check if there are any poly groups in your area and just socialize with people first before getting into dating anyone. Take it slowly.

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by RedAndTall

The question here is that I'm talking to Red about opening up the next level of things and actually letting her go out on dates with other men (and women)...

It's that whole stomach knotting and nervousness about the possible negative outcomes. The rules would be that there is no actual sexual activity (kissing, petting etc. is of course fine.)

Are you talking about a first date for her, where kissing and petting is fine but no actual intercourse allowed? How do you define petting, and why say, "of course" petting is fine? Petting to me involves breast play and groping each others' genitals, perhaps to orgasm. How is that different (for you) from penis in vagina sex if she dates a man? How is petting not considered full on sex if she dates a woman (looks around in bed.. any penises here? nope... let's get undressed and "pet!")?

... it's not HER i'm really worried about. It's someone she dates trying to get her to break the rules knowing them before hand and then that would set off a whole slew of trust issues with him, her, etc. etc.

Well, if some guy or girl tried to get your wife to break boundaries, knowing what they are, they wouldn't be respectful, and lack of respect is a deal breaker in any relationship. Your wife can say "No," right? She can set the pace with an eager lover, out of respect for her primary relationship.

[GroundedSpirit]

Hello Red,

So........a question.......

Why the "rules" ? What are you afraid of ?

You both have been sexual with others - this isn't something brand new. What do you feel you still don't understand ? What's hiding in the shadows ?

GS

[SourGirl]

Originally Posted by nycindie

I think you will probably find a big difference in how poly men approach being with your wife, from how swinger men approach it.

The difference only lies in time, not 'lifestyle'. Get to know people before you fuck, or seriously date them. I`ve had poly men try and touch me inappropriately, and swinger men want to learn about poly and 'do things right' for a opportunity to date me.

The interesting part is, my experience has been pretty even. People are either good and respectful, or they are not. There are as many 'fake' people in poly, as there are 'confused, might want more' people in swinging.

Of course, I am learning it can be very 'regional' !

[RedAndTall]

To answer a few questions...

Our current rule for when the other isn't in the room is that "clothes stay on" and yes, hand down the pants or up the shirt is breaking that rule. but the kissing, butt grabbing, boom massaging through clothing and all is OK. That's where we are there.

As for the fact you pointed out about "you've already been with others"... Yes, we have. Both male and female. However always with the other one present and participating. I explain it like this: I don't mind letting a friend borrow my second motorcycle and go riding with me along the roads. but I never let them take one on on their own for the night without me along for the ride...

This has all given me lots to think about, keep it coming.

[Mya]

Originally Posted by RedAndTall

I explain it like this: I don't mind letting a friend borrow my second motorcycle and go riding with me along the roads. but I never let them take one on on their own for the night without me along for the ride...

That is a really bad analogy. While you own your motorcycle and can decide what to do with it, you don't own you wife. When you say things like that it sounds like you're treating her like an object.

It also sounds like you don't trust her. You say it's her possible other partners you don't trust, but eventually it's your wife's decision whether she breaks the boundaries or not. You make it sound like she could be easily persuaded into anything and that reflects a trust issue towards her, not really anyone else.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by RedAndTall

I don't mind letting a friend borrow my second motorcycle and go riding with me along the roads. but I never let them take one on on their own for the night without me along for the ride...

But your wife is not a motorcycle; she is a human being with emotions, her own unique complexities, and a mind of her own. When I read that comment, I thought, "Ewwww." Especially after re-reading your initial post and seeing this comment again:

Originally Posted by RedAndTall

. . . the first time I shared her with anyone . . .

All of that just smacks of ownership, as if you see her as a piece of property you own. You don't own your wife; therefore she is not yours to share. It isn't up to you what she does with her body. Ultimately, whether with or without your blessing, the choice is hers -- but do let her know what you're comfortable with. With an "owner" mindset, I can see how you want to keep close tabs. But accepting your wife's autonomy as a human being who can make her own decisions, and trusting her good judgment would surely benefit you both. This is not to say she should just throw herself into questionable situations -- safety is always a factor -- but consider loosening up here and there. Maybe a better way to handle it is to meet her potential lovers and get to know them well before sex happens (poly is about relationships, after all), but then back off and let them have alone time when they decide they are ready to have sex.

Originally Posted by SourGirl

The difference only lies in time, not 'lifestyle'. Get to know people before you fuck, or seriously date them. I`ve had poly men try and touch me inappropriately, and swinger men want to learn about poly and 'do things right' for a opportunity to date me.

Yep, that's why I said:

Originally Posted by nycindie

If the guy is experienced in practicing ethical polyamorous relationships, it's more likely he will respect boundaries and actually want to develop a relationship with her first, rather than just get her in the sack right away. Of course, there are both gentlemanly swingers and poly buffoons out there, but if you are both smart about how you try and find people . . .

[bulrush]

First, I sort of jumped into things. My new gf had one FWB, and on the first or second date, she told me about him. She assured me they were FWB and she was looking for something more serious. So I accepted that. She also agreed to me having an FWB, since she is 2 hours away, and not only did she agree, but she was delighted.

We have excellent communication and we are the primary couple. If she determines another man is a decent guy, I'm fine if she goes to see him and I'm not there. I'm excited and giddy, all at once. On one trip to see her new FWB, I even sent her an email:
"You two kids have fun! Sharing is caring."

She has also said she would be excited to see me with another woman. I think it's something special that we want to share with one another, and that brings us closer.

There were times when she was unsure of us (because I lack drama, which her other relationships had plenty of), and I just reassured her that I still love her, and the lack of drama is how it's supposed to be.

Anytime we get nervous about our FWBs, we recognize these are ripples from negative events in our past, and these feelings have nothing to do with how we feel for each other. We recognize we are very compatible on many levels, and we just plain are very attracted to each other, and we get along great. Anytime this happens we talk to each other about it as soon as possible, try to figure out the root problem/misunderstanding, and address it.