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  #31  
Old 10-24-2011, 03:12 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I'll be honest - people say "kissing" is fine but we are all adults here. What does kissing actually entail?

If you're kissing with a DADT policy then you might as well be having intercourse...because that is where this is leading in my opinion.
Mono, you're totally right about this, but I don't know what to do about it. For me personally there is an enormous wall in place when it comes to actual intercourse, and I know it's pretty much impossible for me to get carried away and cross it. (I'm not one to get drunk or otherwise lose my control.) Of course, the land between kissing and intercourse is vast and interesting, and I can't say I haven't forayed into it on occasion. To my own conscience it gets pretty clear if I'm going too far. There is always, always a temptation to keep testing and pushing those boundaries, but I don't know how to turn that temptation off. Even making up my mind not to kiss yesterday, it became such an erotically charged denial -we'd be talking and he'd start giving longing looks to my mouth, once in a while leaning in to brush his cheek against mine seductively.

I suppose the puritanical stance is to steer altogether clear of each other. While I could potentially handle that with my more recent friend, I would definitely never give up the one who has been in my life for 20 years. The other extreme is giving in and having sex, but even horny little me doesn't truly feel right about extramarital sex (unless it happened for both of us maybe, but he'd never want to sleep with a woman without marrying her). So I walk this fuzzy middle ground, because it seems like the only option.

Last edited by AnotherConfused; 10-24-2011 at 03:45 PM.
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  #32  
Old 10-24-2011, 03:44 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post

Why did you marry him in the first place?

But you are missing being with a guy who gets turned on just by being near you, who obviously desires you and actually lets you know it.

You say your h said he'd leave you eventually if you had other relationships, but what about you? Do you fantasize about leaving his emotionless non-sexy ass as well sometimes?
In the beginning there was plenty of affection, and enough sex for me. For various reasons my sexual appetite was not much back then, so it was a relief that I was never pressured for more (I'd been there). I married him for love. We used to do all sorts of fun stuff together. We met dancing, and danced often. And he is one sexy hunk of a man to look at. We joke about the time he was asked by a woman in an elevator to consider a job modeling underwear! But mostly, he is everything else I ever wanted in a husband.

The two men who make me feel so sexy and fascinating and happy are both inappropriate for me as partners or husbands. One has kids my age and a second set from a second ex-wife and would in no way be able to take on raising a third round. The other retired early (16 yrs older than me) and spends probably 75% of his time traveling, the rest in his remote rural home. To be with him would mean huge compromises for us both. So I've never wanted either of them, or anyone else, for a husband. I just like them in small doses, like dessert.

I don't fantasize about leaving my husband. I sometimes fantasize about how I'd want my life to be if he weren't there (split up or deceased -I don't dwell on that part). How I would stay single and and enjoy various men in various ways. But I did that before I married, and as delightful as my sex life was, I was lonely for someone who really wanted to stay with me and be there for me through all my ups and downs. My husband gives me that. It's huge. I'd far rather make this work than start all over with someone else, because any relationship is going to have its trouble to work through.
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  #33  
Old 10-24-2011, 03:57 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Careful OP, seems the board is recommending the end of marriages to the top poster's this week.

You love him, he`s sexy, you enjoy the sex together, just wish you had a bit more of it. You are not at fault, neither is he. It happens. It can be a confusing thing when your husband/lover is GOOD in bed, but tends to get distracted with other priorities.
People are not perfect in all ways, and I think you know that. I think you understand the logisitics well of any outside relationship. To be quite frank, I think you can probably eventually have what you want, but it will take time, and transition.

Your husband wants to keep a 'handle' on the situation somehow. People do this with all sorts of things. Sometimes it is kissing, sometimes it is intercourse, sometimes it is anal sex. Hell, I know people who had a rule about not making a specific meal for the outside party, as it was 'their' dish.
Every situation is different. As you suggested, it might be to protect your outside 'image' or whatever the case may be. There are a lot of people who screw up with NRE. Innocent parties end up paying for it. He is considering unchartered territory, and wants to have a tight rein currently.

What you COULD say to your husband, is you will adhere to his wants, for a period of time. If you prove discreet and things go smoothly, you expect changes, period. You will not be on a tight leash forever. You will make sure not to forget him, the children, or your responsibilities.

Prove this, and then talk again. Its a good way to keep a marriage intact, yet work towards your needs.
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  #34  
Old 10-24-2011, 06:22 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I would also add to what sourgirl said by mentioning the snowball effect....once things get rolling down hill in a negative way it could very difficult ...if not impossible to stop. Everything right now is hypothetical...your love and affection for the other guy's ...how you would handle NRE... and all the subsequent reactions from your husband.... have you factored that whole cycle and all it's problems.....it could get very complicated and messy very very fast.....and with the NRE in play it will be as if it snuck up on you ...and then it's damage control if you even care at that point.

He says today he'll stick it out til the kids are gone but we've seen many roll through who can't ....myself included ....I said what your husband said....for years .....and in my case it could have been used against me...regardless...things change....enough pain or discomfort can and will bring about change. Then you'll be free to play out the fantasies about ...him not being around.

ps...sourgirl ....Stuttering Bitch great band name ...

Last edited by dingedheart; 10-24-2011 at 06:29 PM. Reason: add stuttering bitch comment for SG
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  #35  
Old 10-24-2011, 07:27 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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That whole "slippery slope" thing. I'm trying to be careful here. My husband had a few months to digest "sometimes I get crushes on other guys" before he had to cope with "I'm in love with another man." That threw him considerably, but none of his fears have come to pass -I'm still his devoted wife, the other man still doesn't want to wreck that, we are all friends and the children don't have a problem with it. (My 9 yr old sometimes asks, "What if you'd married him instead of Daddy? I wonder what I would look like. I guess my skin would be lighter..." I told her technically, she could have ended up a boy. What a shocker!)

Adding one more man to the picture was another adjustment. My husband had a lot of trust issues, since this was a man he didn't already know, and I'd only just started getting to know, and since he's only somewhat (16 yrs) and not vastly (26 yrs) older than me, maybe more of a threat as someone trying replace him. And for me, it's also scarier. I don't have the years and years of friendship to establish mutual trust and respect, and that NRE is some compelling stuff. Because of that, I would rather not try anything new with him, that my husband hasn't already accepted with the first man. We tried a scaled back "date" recently where we spent time in public places acting like ordinary friends, and I liked it. I want to feel sexy, yes, but I also want to make sure that's not my only appeal, so that was reassuring.

My husband has said that once the kids are grown, he's willing to revisit things, and maybe he'll feel more open when he's not so concerned with what they might see or suspect. I also think he'll feel more open to divorce at that point, so I can't quite fantasize about a happy future with husband and boyfriends. But at least I can look forward to moving towards change, and if these years are for getting him to accept that I have emotional, romantic relationships outside marriage, which may involve some discreet, not-in-our-house, fully clothed intimacy, I think I can be content with that, and know that eventually things can change.
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  #36  
Old 10-24-2011, 07:46 PM
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Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
My husband has said that once the kids are grown, he's willing to revisit things, and maybe he'll feel more open when he's not so concerned with what they might see or suspect.
Hmm, maybe making friends in the local poly community (if there is one where you live) with a happy poly family, raising children, would set a good example for him? Or would he run screaming in the other direction?
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  #37  
Old 10-24-2011, 08:08 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hmm, maybe making friends in the local poly community (if there is one where you live) with a happy poly family, raising children, would set a good example for him? Or would he run screaming in the other direction?
Run screaming, definitely. He wouldn't want anyone in public suspecting us of such a thing. I did find out an acquaintance of mine has a girlfriend and a wife, openly, so I've thought it would be nice to get that on his radar somehow. I'm going to choose our marriage counselor from among a poly-friendly list I found too, so he can hear from one more person that it can be done, and is being done.
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  #38  
Old 10-24-2011, 08:13 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Quick question for AC:

Your husband's lack of sexual passion for you: was it always there? (i.e., YOU always had to initiate, he NEVER was all over you physically?) Or did it manifest AFTER you "came out" to him about your feelings for other men?
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  #39  
Old 10-24-2011, 08:27 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
Run screaming, definitely. He wouldn't want anyone in public suspecting us of such a thing.
Well, I didn't mean to go parading around with a poly family on your arm, LOL, but maybe go to a poly event to meet people. But you already know someone poly - that's cool! However, your husband sounds pretty set in his ways. I don't know how steeped he is in Indian culture, but my sense is that the reason he believes it to be such a terrible thing might be less about impropriety and more about it saying to the world that he's not enough of a man for you. To "let" you do this would be a sign of weakness in him -- not you, you're just a woman.
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-24-2011 at 08:56 PM.
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  #40  
Old 10-24-2011, 08:56 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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You may find this NY Times article from last year interesting:

One Bride for 2 Brothers: A Custom Fades in India
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