Under the radar
My husband and I have a longstanding agreement that he will not pursue anything romantic or sexual with someone who is a stranger to me.
This agreement is one-sided, for the simple reason that I am not comfortable with him dating a completely unknown quantity, but he doesn't mind at all when I do the same thing. I have offered to let him get to know any potential partners of mine in person before I date them, time and time again, but he always tells me it's ok, that he can wait to meet the people I date if things get serious with them.
My discomfort with him dating people who are strangers to me dates back to a few years ago, when he put our relationship, and my personal safety, at risk by having a brief, drama-filled relationship with a very unstable person.
He has a female cyber friend whom he has known virtually for several months. She also identifies as polyamorous, and she is also married. He told her up front that he is not interested in dating anyone right now because he is focused on a difficult job search. His profile, on the site that they met on, says that all he wants is friendship. He has never been open to casual sex, he says he doesn't like the idea of it.
We both met his cyberfriend a month ago in person, at a local poly dinner we both attend regularly. We were seated fairly near her at the table, but she made no attempt to talk to me at all there, all I got was a "hello" and a "goodbye." She has never communicated with me virtually either, despite her knowing my ID on the site they met on, and despite him offering her my contact info and encouraging her to befriend me too.
After the event, my husband told me that it had been nice to finally meet her in person, and that he was quite sure that he wasn't physically attracted to her at all.
This weekend, he said she had invited both of us to attend a beer tasting with her at a local liquor store. Her husband was not attending. I declined because I really dislike beer, so my husband went with her on his own. It was their second time seeing each other, and their first time alone with each other. I expected he'd be gone an hour, perhaps two, and I assumed that he and I would do something as a family with our children, after his return. I myself try never to spend weekend time away from my family, I only very rarely do so, and then only with a very established partner.
Five hours later, he arrived back home. He told me that their time together had included a long make-out session, initiated by her. He said that he did not know it was going to happen, but that he enjoyed it, and made no attempt to stop it.
I am upset with both of them. I do not like surprises at all, I like to know what's going on. I saw this woman as a platonic friend of his since he had clearly stated to me that he wasn't attracted to her. As such, she did not need to get to know me. However, if she is more than a platonic friend, she absolutely does, at least a little, since our agreement says, no strangers. I also see it as very disrespectful to just make a pass at a married guy with no attempt to communicate with his wife at all beforehand despite ample opportunity to do so.
Husband is confusing me by saying that he still does not want to "date" her, that he still doesn't want to date anyone, but that he enjoyed what happened and that he enjoyed his time with her in general, and would like to have more of it.
I don't really know what the difference would be, between him "dating" her, and him spending more alone time with her, that includes sexual contact, as he did today. I also don't know why he would even want to make out with a woman he says he's not physically attracted to.
I asked him to clarify what he saw as our agreement and he agreed with me that it includes no strangers.
We're attending our poly group again tonight and he has OFFERED HER A RIDE WITH US. I think I am going to be very uncomfortable. I also think she probably thinks they are an item now. I certainly would, if I was her.
What do I do now? Is he just trying to get someone in under the radar somehow? It feels that way, but he denies it.
Last edited by gwendolenthefair; 10-24-2011 at 02:08 PM.
|honest communication, rules vs boundaries|