Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #51  
Old 10-20-2011, 06:43 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Iloveyoutwo View Post
Why is it okay for one person to hold power over another person and withhold physical affection, in just about any form, from them and also tell them they can't get any of those needs met anywhere else; or else suffer serious consequences?

Let's put a different basic need in place of sex. For example: Let's say someone has a condition that requires massage therapy from someone who knows what they are doing. Would it be okay for the spouse to say, "I'm jealous of someone else rubbing your back and glutes so you can't get massages anymore or I will divorce you, but I'm not going to give you massages either."? Would he/she be "cheating" if he/she went and got the massages anyway behind the spouse's back?

Why is "cheating" and "sex" necessarily equated? There are, in fact, many different ways one can "cheat" on a relationship. (Like no longer putting any effort into it, or doing exactly the opposite of what your spouse has asked, etc, etc.)
I think people allow others to have control over them because they are too afraid to speak up, don't know how to speak up, aren't sure what is going on for them, don't ask the other person what is going on for them, the other person is jealous or confused or unhappy and the person feels some how like they should put their own needs aside to "fix" that. There are a good number of reasons. None of which are one persons fault. Both are in a relationship and both need to embrace change in order to create something more healthy. Someone has to start and continue until the relationship ends or change for the better is made for both or more.

There are many ways to cheat. If the person who is being deceived remains in the dark about something that is a known or suspected trigger of feelings of betrail and lack of trust, that to me is cheating.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #52  
Old 10-23-2011, 12:25 PM
Iloveyoutwo Iloveyoutwo is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 20
Default

Excellent points, redpepper.

I was so looking forward to having a coffee date with my bf this past Thursday so I could talk with him, but alas he had a family emergency with one of his parents and we've had to postpone. Argh.
Reply With Quote
  #53  
Old 10-23-2011, 01:47 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,774
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I think people allow others to have control over them because they are too afraid to speak up, don't know how to speak up, aren't sure what is going on for them, don't ask the other person what is going on for them, the other person is jealous or confused or unhappy and the person feels some how like they should put their own needs aside to "fix" that. There are a good number of reasons. None of which are one persons fault. Both are in a relationship and both need to embrace change in order to create something more healthy. Someone has to start and continue until the relationship ends or change for the better is made for both or more.

There are many ways to cheat. If the person who is being deceived remains in the dark about something that is a known or suspected trigger of feelings of betrail and lack of trust, that to me is cheating.
This is exactly what is going on for my friend X. His discomfort and shame around his gender however, I wouldn't characterize as cheating on his wife, so much as cheating himself. She feels lied to, not knowing this about him (his cross dressing), yet he had denied it in himself, and hid it in a misguided effort to protect her, and protect himself from her disapproval.

After not talking since Monday (when he told me maybe we shouldn't be connecting like this), he emailed me on Thursday afternoon. A long heartfelt letter about his experiences of his gender since childhood, the disapproval of his mom, the indoctrination of how he needed to keep it a shameful secret, and his current feelings about it. And he expressed how amazing it feels to him to have met me, someone who gets him and doesnt judge him negatively. I replied, rather briefly but positively, and then he asked permission to IM me the next day.

So I said yes, and we had 2 chats Friday, morning and afternoon. He admitted to feeling infidelitous about talking to me, his sexual fantasies about me doing things with him that his wife didnt feel good about, etc. But he missed me in those 3 days of not talking and seems to wish to at least remain chat friends as he starts the long arduous journey of healing himself and hopefully forging a better relationship with his wife. Early days yet, we'll see where it goes.

Sorry your coffee date didnt come to pass, Iloveyou.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
affairs, cheating, dishonesty, new to polyamory

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:57 AM.