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  #51  
Old 03-26-2011, 07:59 PM
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Originally posted by LR on her blog at http://lovingradiance.wordpress.com/

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He’s not even asking her directly what intimacies she’s shared with Ludwig in his absence! He’s being sneaky and manipulative to get the information. Information that is A) none of his business B) he has specifically requested she not share with him C) is only going to exacerbate his own issues.
He’s being dishonest with himself and with Heidi. In doing so, he is being destructive to the cohesiveness of their relationship. His actions are a step down the road that leads to breaking up, because his actions are in direct conflict with the honesty and openness that are absolutely necessary for a healthy, happy, functional relationship! His choice to use covertcy¹ in their relationship to identify details of her other relationship will be the demise of their relationship; likely if it goes that far he will blame her other relationship, but the truth of the matter is that it is his own actions which are destroying the trust and bond of his relationship with Heidi.
This isn’t a POLY issue, this is a personal issue that Leo needs to deal with. This is an issue that would arise even if he were in a monogamous relationship with Heidi because Heidi would still have contact with people outside of her relationship with Leo. Those relationships would still have activities that he wasn’t always a participant in and they would be right back at his insecurity (about not being ENOUGH for her) kicking into high gear and him asking covert questions about her friends in order to assess the depth of her relationship with them. This would STILL be lying, manipulative and underhanded of him. It would still be disrespectful of Heidi. It would still be leading down the road to a break up because it would still be destroying the trust and bond of his relationship with Heidi!
It’s imperative in our relationships that we take time to :
A) Consider what we are REALLY looking for in the relationship. Only if we truly assess (HONESTLY) ,with ourselves, what it is that we are looking for in a relationship can we honestly address how to get that from the relationship.
B) Tell our partner what we want from the relationship. Only if we are honest and forthright in telling our partner what we are looking for in a relationship can they honestly tell us if THEY are going to be able to have a relationship with us that meets our specifications. (Thus, if we say that what we need is cuddle time and they say they are ok with that; we can only expect that they will give us cuddle time. If we tell them we don’t want to know details of their other relationships and they are ok with that; we can only expect that they will not share that information AND that we should not be searching for that information either.)
C) Hold ourselves accountable to behaving in a manner that reinforces what we (and they) agreed to as the terms of the relationship based on A & B. i.e. if we agreed to not discuss intimate activities with other lovers, we are responsible for not trying to glean that information by subterfuge or covertcy¹!
When we succumb to using secrecy, manipulation and lies in order to create our own sense of security, we are systematically destroying the relationships which we claim to trying to secure! This is self-destructive at best. It’s dysfunctional and can be dangerous as well.


Wow, once again you have hit the nail on the head LR .

This takes me back to my last marriage, the control issues, the insecurities, the putting each other down in order to make ourselves feel better...I saw this stuff at the time but didn't really acknowledge it.

He tried to control me..where I went, when, with whom, who I talked on the phone to, how often I saw my family, what I said to whom & what they said to me......yeah.

I've never really gotten into that here. I don't know what I saw in him way back then but I saw something, something which made me think I could change him. It didn't take me long to see the error in my thinking but it did take me nine years to get out of that marriage . A lot of damage was done to my self esteem and other relationships along the way.

We get along better now because we're not together.

It's taken me six years to get where I am. It's been a really long road to self acceptance but it's been really well worth it.

I now feel better about myself than I can ever remember feeling. A lot of my progress has been due to *gasp* polyamory! I've had to do a lot of introspection and work on myself in order to deal with insecurities (still working on it,really) which has led me to be a better me. I'm hoping this road to self improvement will continue.

On a down side: I've got to go back to night shift tomorrow night . They've laid off back 15 years . Technically the job I last did on nights is not available since they've shut it down for night shift so they, if they want to go by the book, should send me to my next previous posting/job which was on afternoons. Unfortunately the plant manager can't find the paperwork saying I have a post on afternoon's. He's been there less than a year so he doesn't just KNOW this stuff, he has to have proof that what we say is true so it doesn't look like we are just trying to get our own way. I'm not happy about it but there's not much recourse this time. I bought some fish oil pills and melatonin pills yesterday, hoping the melatonin will help me to sleep when my body/mind is saying otherwise, & the fish oil will help counteract the effects the lack of sunlight will have on me.
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  #52  
Old 04-23-2011, 12:07 AM
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Uggggggg, what a month!

I've got a five day weekend so I'm hoping to be able to catch up on all my lost sleep, emails, forums (yeah, i can barely find the mental energy to do the email let alone moderator duties)!

It was supposed to be a three day weekend which I turned into a four day weekend with a vacation day. They are shutting down Monday and Tuesday (I had Monday for vacation) & since I have a couple of vacation days left they let me have Tuesday for vacation time.

Work is slow, no question, but a good deal of that goes back to the powers that be, at work, not doing their jobs right/correctly/at all. They've ignored us when we tell them something is wrong. Ignored CLIENTS when they were told there was a problem with the product....not good. They used to have a very high end quality control, now I wouldn't even qualify it as low end which is really very sad.

As long as the client keeps buying the product the company won't do anything about the complaint. As long as the company isn't losing production time due to a problem they don't do anything about it. Does anyone see a theme here? As long as there are no repercussions for the company they don't give a damn!

Sorry, had to get that out of my system. I'm not very happy with work since a good deal of the joblessness we have could have been PREVENTED by quality control and upper management doing their jobs in the first place!

Breathes and I have been in a rut lately. Just drifting through life, not really talking or doing much of anything else . We're trying to get out of it without a lot of success lately.

Possibility....yeah, Possibility. Large time depression lately. He's waiting for the doctor to call him with an appointment for a mental health professional which has really left us kind of in limbo . I love him and want to spend time with him but two hours a week is really not giving me that feeling of.......security? being loved? It's a little hard to define but I'm just not happy with the way things are going there.

We sometimes don't even get that two hours a week *sigh*. Trying to find an alternative time to get together is nearly impossible because we both have other commitments and with his depression any possible time is dependant upon his feeling up to it. grrrrrrrrr

I'm revamping my resume and tentatively looking into going back to school to either update my legal secretarial skills or for something totally new. I can't decide what I want to do and since I'm still working I don't feel there is a hurry to make a decision in that vein right now.
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  #53  
Old 05-13-2011, 11:38 PM
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Urggggggg

Breathes is trying to drive me totally bonkers!

Wednesday night he was supposed to talk to former fwb about sex/lack of/testing/platy, etc. I've been hearing, & having, this conversation for MONTHS! The conversation with her hasn't happened YET! He worried himself sick over what her reaction would be to the conversation so ended up not having it *sigh*. He was supposed to tell her that there would be nothing further along those lines any more. Anyone in his life would have to be someone who either liked/wanted to be with both of us or someone I could at least like and get along with.

I love him to death but some days I just want to smack him with the clue-by-four!

Train of thought is all over the pace. This working night shift sucks in so many way!
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Old 06-19-2011, 09:51 AM
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Back on days! WOOT!

We just had a very filling all you can eat inner for my sons birthdays! They will be 16 tomorrow! All that food has made me lethargic .

Possibility seems to be doing better. A big change in meds and a mental health professional later.....He's wanting to start playing together again but I won't until he can prove this is a long term change, not just a short term thing. He's not happy about that but does understand.

Breathes.....worked way too many hours this past week. That's a good thing AND a bad thing. Good because it gives him a chance to work out his frustrations with his main job which means I don't have to listen to them when I finally get home and the extra money is wonderful. Bad because I don't get to see him very much . He got off early Tuesday, had Wednesday off & then gaming was called off Friday night so he got some much needed wind down time, the rest of the days he worked!

Why the heck am I up so early? I'm up early through the week, there's absolutely NO reason to be up this early on the weekend!
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Old 06-19-2011, 05:25 PM
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I posted this elsewhere on the site and thought I would bring it over here:


Quote:
The hardest part of escaping is finding that self esteem which the abuser has been beating out of you (whether it's physically, emotionally, mentally, a combination or something else altogether) for what seems like forever and then some! It doesn't take a lot of self esteem to get out but it does take just a little bit. Most of us have to dig under years of baggage and shit to find even a half gram of it to fuel us in the right direction.

What it took for me was an online friend who simply talked to me, helped me acknowledge what I already knew, listened when I was having a hard time. He didn't judge, didn't berate, didn't do anything to coerce me into leaving. The decision was all mine. I just needed a friendly voice and a shoulder to cry on, someone to treat me like a human being rather than a door mat to wipe his feet on when he thought I was worthy of such treatment (which was all the time). We parted ways several years ago but I will ALWAYS be grateful to him for the HUGE part he played in my reemergence into the world of humanity!
I think it's about time I talked about my marriage (still married to the moron due more to lack of funds than anything else).

I lived with him for TEN years! Ten years I can't get back, no matter how hard I try. Good things came out of those years but for the most part the bad out weighed the good by a long shot.

He hit me once and ONLY once. The police were called and he still, nearly 15 years later, holds a grudge against me for it. The man (term used loosely as the only thing defining him as a man is that thing between his legs) never, NEVER forgives a wrong whether it's actually been perpetrated or was imagined--on purpose or accidentally.

He can't forgive the fact I was sexually abused as a child. He can't forgive the fact the police were called for domestic violence so he now has a criminal record. He can't forgive the fact that I finally came into my own and left him!

I was in such bad mental/emotional shape that I left the kids with him! They had a roof over their heads, their daily schedule stayed basically the same, they stayed in the same school and kept the same friends. They are 16 now and are doing fine. They know how to deal with their dad and have an escape if things get to the point where they can't deal with it.

He never had a kind word for me, only four times ever told me he loved me, did everything in his power to strip what self esteem and self love I had for myself from me so that I would forever be in his grasp to do with as he pleased. All my friends, the few I had, fell by the wayside because they could see what I couldn't acknowledge to that point.

Mental abuse is harder to get over. There are still things I need to work through, probably always will be but I am so much healthier now than I ever was while I was with him!

I joke that I lost 300 pounds when I left him but it isn't really a joke. My self esteem slowly started coming back, I started getting healthier, my headaches became a once a month thing rather than a daily ordeal. I became happier soon after I left and got over the shock

I love myself again, I've lost a little bit of weight (my own, not his), my kids are here as often as they're there. I will always be a work in progress but that's okay. As long as I'm always working toward a better met I'll be ok.
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Last edited by Breathesgirl; 06-19-2011 at 05:27 PM.
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  #56  
Old 09-11-2011, 01:43 PM
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We went to the fall fair with some new friends last night and had a really good time. At least I did until I started feeling the effects of riding carnival rides and being stupid enough to NOT wear shoes with orthotics when I KNOW I'm going to be doing a ton of walking!

The new friends are from Israel and have recently moved here to work for Google. Last night was a time of firsts, lol. I think it was their first fair and she had her first bite of fudge . Lots of money spent, lots of walking and talking and some went on lots of rides.

i went on TWO rides, the ferris wheel and something else, and now have mild whiplash . I want a NEW BODY! I love, LOVE carnival rides but my body won't let me ride them any more *waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*. Scrambler, roller coasters, drop zone, you name it and I would ride it. No more . My back and neck just can't handle it any more .

Kids up and distracting me. Hopefully more later.
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Old 09-21-2011, 09:50 PM
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Rambling, random thoughts. Trying to figure things out.

This lack of communication with Possibility is driving me absolutely and totally bonkers!

I've been feeling kind of emotionally numb and uncentered for a couple of weeks and I don't know why.

I've tried and tried to get his whole family involved in things, they enjoy themselves when my efforts are successful, we all do. For a while I would email/FB them a couple of weeks before a holiday weekend, wanting to know if they wanted to do anything together as a family. Never, not once, did I get a reply other than through the grapevine or if I physically went over there and talked to them face to face. I finally gave up trying to get us all together for anything planned. I don't deal well with frustration so I just decided that the frustration level wasn't worth it for me .

They haven't even noticed! Two or three holidays have gone by since I stopped trying, another one is about to go by, and NO ONE has even mentioned getting together! :cry

I don't get over there very often. The only time I have to do so is after work and it takes me 90 minutes to get there from work. By the time I get there I have about a half hour before I have to catch my bus home so I can eat supper and spend time with Breathes and my son before I head off to bed (possibly help son with his homework as well). I'm welcome there on gaming nights as well but I end up bored nearly to tears so, once again, it isn't worth it.

Possibility's communication sucks and I'm finding myself falling into that trap as well. I see the trap of non-communication, I know what it means for me, what can I do to avoid it?

I know I have to talk to him about it, let him know what this does for me but I'm scared to for some reason.

ARGGGGGGGGGGGG! Apparently my own family doesn't know how to communicate either! Brother just texted me asking me to text him if his step son needs anything/has any problems! 1. I didn't know he was even OUT OF TOWN until an hour ago! 2. I have no vehicle so can't get there quickly if I am needed. 3. Step son is 16! Never been on his own for more than a few hours before! They will be gone four or five days! isn't that too young to be on your own for nearly a whole week???!!!!

Blah, lost my train of thought, random or not.
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Old 10-10-2011, 02:45 PM
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First: Last weekend I learned that Possibility's male primary is not the most sexually vigilant partner, or metamour, I've ever encountered. If there's no possibility of pregnancy he will go bareback because he can't maintain an erection with a condom. This has caused me to have some mild concern for my own health, the health of any current partners, and any future partners. It's only a 'mild' concern because it has been more than six months, closer to a year, since Possibility and I did anything of a sexual nature.

Second: I've come to the conclusion (don't know WHY it took me so long to acknowledge this) that I MUST have working communication with all partners, and preferably with metamours as well. There can be mind blowing sex but without communication it just isn't worth it for me.

If communication with Possibility doesn't pick up and become what it needs to be the odds are greatly increased that we will revert to cuddle buddies and movie friends, nothing more. Actually, that's not a 100% true statement. I've decided already that I am ok being cuddle buddies and movie friends and would like it if things stayed at that level.

I was on the brink of sorting through this stuff when I was hit by the brick of knowledge last weekend which sent me into shock which required me to keep quiet and sort through things before I said or did something really stupid. The worst part is, now that I can look back on the conversation, that he said he didn't know if he should tell me or not! Uhhhhhhhhhhhh, yeah, you should have told me this a fuck of a lot sooner!

I haven't had a chance to sit down with him and discuss things yet. I was supposed to see him on Tuesday but he had a family emergency which looks like it will be ongoing for at least the next couple of months . I just sent an email asking if there's some time soon when we can get together without the kids so we can talk.

Through this experience I have learned that while I do know how to, and can, communicate effectively, if I have a partner who can't I tend to fall into the trap of non-communication. A trap that has no exit, no bottom. It keeps going and going until I either get fed up and put an end to the relationship or I keep falling further and further into the trap.

I haven't discussed the full extent of things with Breathes yet. He knows what's going on and trusts my judgment enough to know that I will talk to him about these things before they blow up in a spectacular way. That talk will happen later today *sigh*.

Things will work out eventually.
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Old 10-15-2011, 12:30 AM
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Talk didn't happen . Apparently he's too busy to give me an hour to go for coffee and talk but NOT too busy to have friends over tonight, friends who, if he would ask, would gladly watch ankle biters for an hour! I guess I'm personna non grata these days He knows I want/need to talk, that he's not going to like what I have to say so he's avoiding the talk for all he's worth!

I can't even get a simple yes or no answer to an email I sent him yesterday! No, I'm not happy. Unfortunately there's not much I can do about it without making a scene. Yeah, bitch mode is ONNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll be OK in the morning. Tired, frustrated, disappointed, discouraged and wanting to bitchslap somebody! NOT a good combination!

Off to do the grocery list.
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Old 10-23-2011, 12:57 PM
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Helluva two weeks! Glad they're over and done with!

After two weeks of being put off, feeling like I was the last thing on his mind (good reason for this but I won't go into it since it isn't my story to tell) and general bitchiness on my part....

At Breathes' suggestion and urging we went to Possibility's after work Friday so I could say what I needed to say and so Breathes could watch the kids while said talk happened. Turns out his wife was home? Still upset over that one as he KNEW I just wanted an hour where his wife was home so we could go out for coffee and talk.

It turns out that his communication is even suckier than I thought *sigh* and have complained about. His male primary does NOT have unprotected sex with anyone other than the core group, whew! The way he phrased it when he told me said totally other wise. To say I'm relieved would be an understatement!

We've decided to cut things back to friends right now so he can deal with the bad things in his life without feeling like he's ignoring me. We'll re-evaluate things when the badness is done with to see where things stand.
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