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  #11  
Old 10-18-2011, 01:35 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Have your husband come here and read, so he can get a large overview of how poly works. Meeting a couple poly ppl irl would just give him a small slice of how it works.

Unless perhaps you go to a large poly meetup/munch in your area. However, i dont know how "out" your h wants to be...
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  #12  
Old 10-18-2011, 10:09 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IrisAwakened View Post
Also he wants to meet other poly people (ones that we won't become involved with sexually) to understand the lifestyle first hand, which is a great idea. The think is is that he thinks that we need to do this before he meets my guy, before I can tell my guy that I like him. Sometimes this feels too controlling to me, even though I am trying to take it easy on the poor guy, who is really trying to understand. Thoughts again?
I think it's great that he wants to meet other poly people, simply because he would have a chance to interact with people who are happy and successful at it (hopefully) and know how to make polyamory work in their lives.

However, there is no one definitive lifestyle or way to "do poly," so he shouldn't think that he needs to meet them beforehand in order to know how it's done. Everyone who successfully lives polyamorously simply finds a way to fit multiple loving relationships into their own lifestyle. There isn't a technique to learn, although it's pretty much a given that honing one's skills in honest communication is a necessary tool. And that includes how to negotiate and compromise.

He probably is looking for a controlled way to do it, because the idea might be overwhelming to him. He wants a recipe to follow. Is he a perfectionist in some ways, too? But this is what can be intimidating for many people, because poly is just a structure for relationships and, beyond the "prime directive" that it be practiced with "full knowledge and consent" of all parties, there are no rules other than the ones you both feel comfortable with.

So, yes, go out and meet others who have embraced and do practice polyamory, but don't be surprised to see that there is no definitive way to live poly. Some people who are poly do focus a lot on sex, others on family, others on building friendships into intimate relationships, and so on. Some people introduce their additional partners to their spouses or other partners and insist they all get along or at least know each other, and others play it by ear and see who's comfortable with what (there's no rule that your hubs has to meet the guy before you get sexual, or at any stage - it's what works for you that's important). It's a very customizable approach to relationships!

You can look for poly groups in your local area through Tristan Taormino's Opening Up Resources Local Organizations or Loving More Local Groups and Communities, and also Meetup.com.

And yes, why not have him come here and ask questions.
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-18-2011 at 11:02 PM.
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  #13  
Old 10-18-2011, 10:44 PM
bulrush bulrush is offline
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Here's an idea. How about you get to know the guy for a bit, and if you see a future with him, he meets your husband before things get sexual.
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  #14  
Old 10-19-2011, 09:26 PM
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IrisAwakened IrisAwakened is offline
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You guys should seriously get paid for the advice you give! Thanks for being such great Samaritans

After I wrote that last piece he came on and read the thread, which he loved. We now have a lunch date for him to meet the new guy, which is awesome. He even seems a little excited for it. He has also been messaging poly people on OKC, just to chat with about the lifestyle, this has been a great idea of his. I think he will be happier just knowing more, he is a man who likes his facts.
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  #15  
Old 10-20-2011, 03:52 AM
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*giggle* My partner was my college roommate. She was my "friend" until a few months ago.. when we realized that there was more there and always was..... No awkward meeting here.... just the realization of the fact that I was with two people.
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  #16  
Old 10-22-2011, 01:26 PM
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IrisAwakened IrisAwakened is offline
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My husband met my new guy last night for dinner. My guy was in town for a conference so it worked out very well, timing wise. It was, of course, a little awkward at first, but the two guys easily found things to talk about. They have much in common, personality-wise, but completely different passions, which makes for some interesting and enlightening conversations for both.

I will be going on a date with my new guy on Monday, and at some point in time that day I will get to meet his wife. My turn for awkward conversations, lol. Actually I have already had emails with her (and her BF) all coincidentally. I really am quite compatible with they whole group, which makes it much less nerve-wracking for me in the end.
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  #17  
Old 10-22-2011, 03:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IrisAwakened View Post
My husband met my new guy last night for dinner. My guy was in town for a conference so it worked out very well, timing wise. It was, of course, a little awkward at first, but the two guys easily found things to talk about. They have much in common, personality-wise, but completely different passions, which makes for some interesting and enlightening conversations for both.

I will be going on a date with my new guy on Monday, and at some point in time that day I will get to meet his wife. My turn for awkward conversations, lol. Actually I have already had emails with her (and her BF) all coincidentally. I really am quite compatible with they whole group, which makes it much less nerve-wracking for me in the end.
aww, this sounds nice. I'm very envious now....
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  #18  
Old 10-22-2011, 08:57 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Yay! Glad they got to meet and it was a positive experience.

It's great that you and his wife already have some experience of each other through emails. That will make things easier when you meet her, for sure.
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  #19  
Old 10-23-2011, 02:20 PM
OpenandCountry OpenandCountry is offline
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I'm glad the meeting went well for you!
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