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Old 10-21-2011, 05:35 AM
cheryl cheryl is offline
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Default I can't believe we're trying this

I met someone, fell in love, and separated from my husband, but for economic reasons, and because I didnt want to be away from my daughter, I moved back home. I'm not sleeping with my husband, and havent since I met my boyfriend. A few months ago, I found out my boyfriend was seeing someone else, but he said he still wanted to see me. At first I was very hurt because I assumed he was leaving me and just letting me down gently, ripping the band aid off slowly, instead of quickly, so to speak, but he was very persistant in maintaining the relationship, even when I tried to break it off. So I agreed to keep seeing him.

Once I knew about their relationship, however, the other woman became uncomfortable with it all, and insisted she was "bowing out." However, they continued to see each other and continued to hide it. He said she had asked him not to tell me, but he also admitted he was afraid of losing me if I knew. When I found out the second time, I was hurt, probably more about the lying than anything else, especially since I had already agreed to it. Now the other other woman says she's ok with it, and she says she doesnt want him exclusively because she is very busy. But because of all the lying in the past, I'm not sure whether she's sincere. Maybe she is just waiting for him to fall out of love with me, or for me to get mad and go away.

This man has always wanted a relationship with two women, and has attempted it in the past with other women, but it never worked out because of jealousy. The other big factor in this situation is that he, himself, is extremely jealous and does not want either of us to be with any other man, and even gets angry if we have male friends, if anyone even calls, or comes by, etc. To me, this seems kind of hypocritical, but I dont actually have time for another intimate relationship, anyway. I can barely manage this one. (She's agreed to not see anyone else as well.) It drives me insane, though, to be accused of fooling around on him, when I'm not, and he's the one who wants a second relationship, and has lied about it.

Can this work? My biggest problem is dealing with my own feelings of jealousy when I think of them together, kissing, laughing, in bed, etc. (He claims it never bothers her, but I know from experience, the "new" woman usually doesnt feel as threatened.) My second worry is that if we disagree about anything, or I don't do whatever he asks, he will just go to her. And in some sense, it seems unfair that he always gets to feel loved and secure, knowing that at least one of us is always waiting for him, while we have to wrestle with all the doubt and jealousy. I think at some point he would like to have us all in bed together, he talks about it, but I dont think either I or the other woman have any bisexual inclinations and if I did it, it would be mainly to please him.

Do triads or vees or whatever this is,, ever work, or are they essentially unstable? Should I try it, or am I just not cut out for it?

Last edited by cheryl; 10-21-2011 at 06:16 AM.
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Old 10-21-2011, 06:02 AM
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This man has always wanted a relationship with two women, and has attempted it in the past with other women, but it never worked out because of jealousy. The other big factor in this situation is that he, himself, is extremely jealous and does not want either of us to be with any other man, and even gets angry if we have male friends, if anyone even calls, or comes by, etc. To me, this seems kind of hypocritical, but I dont actually have time for another intimate relationship, anyway. I can barely manage this one. She's agreed to not see anyone else as well.

Can this work? . . . Should I try it, or run for my life?
Run for your life!!! It sounds like having two girlfriends is something he wants as sort of a trophy for this guy. Plus, he wants too much control. He is a hypocrite. Ugh.
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Old 10-21-2011, 06:07 AM
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This man is not up on his poly. I suggest he come here and do some reading. Red flags for me are his OPP ("One Penis Policy"... you can check the tags in the search engine and see what others have written on that) and that he wants you both to be sexual with one another for his own benefit.

First of all IT IS hypocritical to ask that you don't see others. He has no right to control your lives that way. If he can have two partners, you can. Full stop. End of story... If he doesn't like it then I suggest he not have more than one partner himself.

It is completely unreasonable that he ask the two of you to sleep in the same bed with him and have sex. Sure he can fantasize about it all he wants and that is fine, but you have no obligation to do so and it is not mandatory. You can do what is right for you and I suggest you do.

Have you met this woman? Spent time with her? Have you gone about establishing a metamour relationship with her of some kind of respect and understanding? I suggest doing so if you haven't already. Knowing and being at the very least able to approach ones metamour quite often eases any jealousy or stories that go on in ones head. It is so easy to make assumptions about people when you haven't met them and don't know them.

Yes it is possible to have a vee that is successful. I suggest you do some reading here and check out some tags that interest you. There are many accounts of peoples stories that you and he could benefit from.
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Old 10-21-2011, 06:38 AM
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Yep, it could work, for another month or two..and then I imagine you'd really want to know what was happening and then you'd be miserable.

I don't think you would be unsuccessful if you were dating a guy who introduced his partners to each other, and if he dated people who were interested in at least attempting a friendly relationship with each other, but a man who is trying to hide or keep his partners from knowing what is really going on is not going to find much success, and being one of his partners is not ever going to be easy. Truth is, maybe he's too unsure about his identity to stand firm in it, I know even my husband (20+ years poly) can feel awkward about developing feelings for others - but really, objectively I'd avoid people who aren't upfront with everybody and feeling positive about what they want be it poly or anything else.
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Old 10-21-2011, 07:13 AM
cheryl cheryl is offline
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I have met her; the three of us even sat in her kitchen and talked about the whole thing, including the idea of his keeping us both. (This was after the first time I found out.) She was pleasant and seems like a good person, and neither of us got angry or cried or said anything sarcastic. That is the main reason I think it could possibly work. But during that conversation, she said they had only been together twice a few weeks ago, because she got "caught up in the moment," but they were really just friends. I knew they had actually been together more than that, including the very night before. When I said, "but what about last night?" she looked kind of shocked, because I wasnt supposed to know - she thought they had agreed not to tell me, but he had. So even though I like her, trust is kind of an issue. I cant figure out why it was so important to her for me not to know, and if she really is ok with it now.
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Old 10-21-2011, 07:17 AM
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My answer to this is always the same - ask her out to coffee and ask
(I seriously I always take the herbal supplement Calmes Forte ahead of time, cause shit like that makes introvert-me nervous, but if you don't ask, people often don't seem to tell! - don't let worries or assumptions about other partners of your partner cloud up your head, it's good to know everybody will be upfront with their wants/needs/desires, and that is what I think makes things easier)
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 10-21-2011 at 07:19 AM.
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Old 10-21-2011, 07:40 AM
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the three of us even sat in her kitchen and talked about the whole thing, including the idea of his keeping us both.
Yes, like trophies or playthings. How nice.

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Originally Posted by cheryl View Post
. . . she said they had only been together twice a few weeks ago, because she got "caught up in the moment," but they were really just friends. I knew they had actually been together more than that, including the very night before. When I said, "but what about last night?" she looked kind of shocked, because I wasnt supposed to know . . .
Do you really need any more red flags? Run and don't look back!

.
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Old 10-21-2011, 01:03 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Triads or vees can work just fine, sure. But only with people who can trust each other and show each other a high level of respect. As for this particular situation?

I agree completely with Nyc. This is not an ethical man. Things will only get worse from here, sooner or later.

He kept the affair from you initially, then lied to you about it again, even though he had no reason to. He's pressing you for bisexual contact when it's not what you want. He has no problem with living under what's obviously a huge double standard.

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Originally Posted by cheryl View Post
but he was very persistant in maintaining the relationship, even when I tried to break it off. So I agreed to keep seeing him.
Does he know how to take no for an answer ever? It doesn't sound like it.

But all that pales to nothingness compared to this --
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Originally Posted by cheryl View Post
The other big factor in this situation is that he, himself, is extremely jealous and does not want either of us to be with any other man, and even gets angry if we have male friends, if anyone even calls, or comes by, etc. To me, this seems kind of hypocritical, but I dont actually have time for another intimate relationship, anyway. I can barely manage this one. (She's agreed to not see anyone else as well.) It drives me insane, though, to be accused of fooling around on him, when I'm not, and he's the one who wants a second relationship, and has lied about it.
This is an extremely common pattern in abusive relationships. It escalates over time. At first it might seem almost sweet in a way. But as time goes on, his demands get less reasonable, he gets violent (whether emotionally, physically, or verbally), you're driving yourself crazy just to keep him from getting upset, he controls your whole life. Of COURSE he doesn't want "his" women knowing each other well (except in the carnal sense), because then they could compare notes and see how crazy he is!

Please do a little reading about extreme jealousy and the warning signs of abusive relationships. Do you really want your daughter growing up to think this is how women are supposed to be treated by the men who love them?

And y'know what, even if he never gets worse and is just a jealous jerk, I still wouldn't put up with it. Don't you believe that you deserve to be treated better than this?
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Last edited by AnnabelMore; 10-21-2011 at 01:05 PM.
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Old 10-21-2011, 03:26 PM
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The other big factor in this situation is that he, himself, is extremely jealous and does not want either of us to be with any other man, and even gets angry if we have male friends, if anyone even calls, or comes by, etc.
Sorry, I ADD`d after this point. Do you not see this as a BIG, RED, WARNING FLAG, COMPLETE WITH NEON LIGHTS ??????

Sign the dotted line if you want to be owned and controlled. These are just the things he is admitting to NOW. Wait for the real goodies down the road.
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Old 10-21-2011, 03:44 PM
cheryl cheryl is offline
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Well, there's the social element as well. If they had to keep it a secret from me, then it would also be a secret from everyone else as well, including her adult children, her relatives, and the extremely small community we live in, and I think that may have been her reason. This situation would definitely be way too weird for most people, and I'm not sure she wanted people to know she was seeing him, or anyone at all. For some reason, he is more protective of her privacy than he ever was mine, even though she is not married, and should be able to have any kind of relationship she wants.

He actually claims that he would like nothing better than to have us all living under one roof as one big happy family, and we would be like sisters, but I dont know if thats out of a desire for intimacy and closeness, or control, i.e. always knowing where everyone is (or having someone who would tell him.)

He says that none of this would have happened if I had gotten a divorce and moved in with him, but the two women thing has been a pattern of his, so I'm skeptical. And right now my house is the only economic security I have, and I dont want to leave my daughter. I'm also scared I couldnt deal with my jealousy if I was living there and had no place to go.

He says he gets lonely and needs more, and I can appreciate that. Holidays, and not feeling like he is welcome at my house, is understandably difficult.He also says that the reason he is so suspicious of me is because I had affairs in the past when my marriage was crumbling (but not since I've been with him.) He says "I know what you are capable of when you are not happy," but at the time, I really didnt know there were other options, or any other way to handle it. Ironically, he's made me a more honest person.

He has many good qualities, is smart and funny, and has an interesting way of looking at the world. I never get tired of talking to him. I would hate not to have him in my life in some form. I even suggested that he make her his primary partner, and I would be his special "friend." I said I'd be happy to switch roles with her because I thought he was nicer to her and treated her with more respect. I said, "Make her choose between you and her children. Make her feel guilty for not being there every night." And to be honest, I was envious of their new relationship energy.

To my surprise, he said no. And so did she! I cant win even when I give in.

ps thankyou for listening. I cant even tell my therapist this stuff.

Last edited by cheryl; 10-21-2011 at 04:48 PM.
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