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  #11  
Old 10-20-2011, 03:20 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Wah? Minxxa I don't know of any threads where people have come here to ask about ways to convince their mono partners to be poly. People come here distraught about their situations and wish their partners were into what they are, but I haven't seen any blatantly obvious threads about frustration on not being able to convince them or asking how to go about doing that.... Did I miss something? Have I beenm reading stuff wrong? *confused*

Sorry, I'm sure I'm being unclear, but I do see a lot of threads where the basic question is "I met someone and want to be poly and told my partner but my husband/wife/partner is upset/distraught/angry, how do I make this work?" Also, I see more than a few threads where people are investigating poly, or starting out and one partner is "trying it for their partner" usually with a lot of reservations, and the whole goal seems to be to get them to go with it. And what follows is lots of angst, jealousy, insecurity, and unhappiness for the partner who is going with it for their partner, and not because they think it sounds like a good idea.

Maybe it was the wording I used... "convince". To me asking how to "make poly work with a mono partner who is not into it" is the same as trying to convince them.

I think that anytime you try to do something specifically for someone else when it goes against your basic beliefs/wants/goals, then it's not going to work. But I see a lot of people TRYING to make it work because they don't want to lose their partner or make them unhappy or resentful of them.

I do think that if someone who is monogamous has a certain openness in them, they can definitely learn a lot of skills here and come to terms with a poly/mono relationship that can work for them and their partner. I also think that sometimes people realize that they were only mono because they thought they HAD to be and it opens up a new world for them.

But I also see people that are definitely monogamous setting aside their wants/needs/beliefs so as not to lose their partner.

I guess what I'm trying to say is while I do think people can open their minds to a new way of living/relationships, there are some people that are going to be miserable in poly relationships because that's how they're built, not due to them not having the right skills to deal with issues. They just are monogamous. And I think that while exploring a concept to see if it might be doable is great, there has to be the thought in there somewhere that it might NOT be. That the other person, who entered into a monogamous relationship, might NOT want to change that and that's perfectly acceptable. That doesn't mean something's wrong with the mono person, or they just haven't "gotten it" yet.

If someone is going to try to have a poly relationship with a monogamous person, there has to be some thought that it might not work out, and it might not be the best thing for the monogamous person. I do see that pointed out from a few people, definitely, but I think sometimes as poly people we can get into a bubble of how "lovely" it is, and forget that for a monogamous person to try to be poly might be as miserable and as bad of a fit as it would be for a polyamorous person to have to be mono.
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  #12  
Old 10-20-2011, 04:08 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Wah? Minxxa I don't know of any threads where people have come here to ask about ways to convince their mono partners to be poly. People come here distraught about their situations and wish their partners were into what they are . . .
Omigosh, I do! I think most of the threads in the New to Poly forum center on trying to get a non-poly partner to get onboard.

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Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
. . . I do see a lot of threads where the basic question is "I met someone and want to be poly and told my partner but my husband/wife/partner is upset/distraught/angry, how do I make this work?" Also, I see more than a few threads where people are investigating poly, or starting out and one partner is "trying it for their partner" usually with a lot of reservations, and the whole goal seems to be to get them to go with it. And what follows is lots of angst, jealousy, insecurity, and unhappiness for the partner who is going with it for their partner, and not because they think it sounds like a good idea.

Maybe it was the wording I used... "convince". To me asking how to "make poly work with a mono partner who is not into it" is the same as trying to convince them.
Yeah, this is what we see here nearly every day. Maybe it's unfair to generalize, though. In some instances you can see that people do struggle with the concept of poly and then can actually embrace it, others it's a more healthy curiosity and willingness (of the mono partner), but many of the predicaments people come here and write about look like minefields between poly and mono opponents!
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  #13  
Old 10-20-2011, 04:17 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Yeah, this is what we see here nearly every day. Maybe it's unfair to generalize, though. In some instances you can see that people do struggle with the concept of poly and then can actually embrace it, others it's a more healthy curiosity and willingness (of the mono partner), but many of the predicaments people come here and write about look like minefields between poly and mono opponents!

Oh, I most certainly think you see people who are fearful at first, but then do some soul searching and stepping outside their original box to find it fits them!

I think struggling with a concept is good-- it means you're looking it over and doing some soul-searching and questioning your beliefs. I always think that's a good thing.

I just think that sometimes you do all of that and realize it's not for you (like swinging or more recreational sex in my own case), and that's okay too.
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  #14  
Old 10-20-2011, 09:21 PM
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My hat goes off to anyone who tries on poly; whether it be for their partner or to see what its all about. A lot of people believe in it in theory but struggle in practice or just can't do it. I applaud anyone on either side of the coin who entertains the notion that they could "share" someone near and dear to them... I just don't see that as "convincing." "Inviting" maybe? To me convincing is not consent and boarders on an ultimatum... I don't think we get much of that here. I'm often surprised that it is not prevalent actually. I always thought people were more selfish and self centered. Its renewed my respect for humankind actually. There are some damn good people out there just trying to figure out how to love and live better
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