Originally Posted by Iloveyoutwo
Why is it okay for one person to hold power over another person and withhold physical affection, in just about any form, from them and also tell them they can't get any of those needs met anywhere else; or else suffer serious consequences?
Let's put a different basic need in place of sex. For example: Let's say someone has a condition that requires massage therapy from someone who knows what they are doing. Would it be okay for the spouse to say, "I'm jealous of someone else rubbing your back and glutes so you can't get massages anymore or I will divorce you, but I'm not going to give you massages either."? Would he/she be "cheating" if he/she went and got the massages anyway behind the spouse's back?
Why is "cheating" and "sex" necessarily equated? There are, in fact, many different ways one can "cheat" on a relationship. (Like no longer putting any effort into it, or doing exactly the opposite of what your spouse has asked, etc, etc.)
I think people allow others to have control over them because they are too afraid to speak up, don't know how to speak up, aren't sure what is going on for them, don't ask the other person what is going on for them, the other person is jealous or confused or unhappy and the person feels some how like they should put their own needs aside to "fix" that. There are a good number of reasons. None of which are one persons fault. Both are in a relationship and both need to embrace change in order to create something more healthy. Someone has to start and continue until the relationship ends or change for the better is made for both or more.
There are many ways to cheat. If the person who is being deceived remains in the dark about something that is a known or suspected trigger of feelings of betrail and lack of trust, that to me is cheating.