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  #1  
Old 11-02-2009, 12:48 AM
joedirte joedirte is offline
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Default help with poly

Need advice and help

My wife and i are new to poly , she started dating of ours friend (male) ,we both agreed before hand. This was almost a month ago and since day one its been mostly about him or them.

At first the other was worried about me and my feeling and i explained to him i was good with it all.

After about two week dating they have oved their relationship very fast and had spent almost all free time with eachother. I for once started to feel jealous not about him but time and effort in our relationship.

We had talk about overnight stay and she said she will let me take the lead in my relationships as far as time spent away from home , 2 days later she didnt come home. I got angry and blew up very bad. I got angry and i might have kick his ass if i saw him only b/c i wont hit a women.

We spoke and them both admitted they had done wrong as far as time and the way they did things. she said she would spend more time with me and he said he will take a step back . that happen 2 days ago. but they hung out today while i was at work (nothing wrong with that) but i fely bad , sad evern depressed.

I thought about a leaving because its getting too hard but that might be the wrongthing to do since i agree to poly and i really do believe in it but now i have feelings of being left out. she promise to change things and be fair and i know i should give her a chance but im not feeling very good about us or me.

I hate feeling this way , i feel small and i think i should be a bigger man but its hard. I should be happy for them but i dont at the moment.

Last edited by joedirte; 11-02-2009 at 01:01 AM.
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  #2  
Old 11-02-2009, 01:13 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Hi, Joe

My heart breaks for you, BrotherMan. I know how you feel.

I hope there will be other, much more experienced, polyfolk come on with deeper advice. I can only share what I think will help.

If your needs have been neglected in favor of the new bf and NRE, it is completely foreseeable that you would feel rejected and pushed aside. People do crazy stuff in the throes of NRE. If you can, understand this, and forgive it.

To fix this and put things back on a good track, you need to be clearheaded and strong. And it all boils down to this: figure out what you need to be okay, to feel loved and valued. Then, ask for it. Clearly, in terms that well-intentioned crazy people can understand.

*hugs*
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  #3  
Old 11-02-2009, 01:33 AM
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ladyjools ladyjools is offline
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your wife is caught up in new relationship energy,
first time trying poly, im not suprised that she is overwhelmed by it, remember how it felt when you first got together with your wife, you want to spend all your free time with each other, it hurts to be apart, hormones are going wild,

this part lasts for a while, but it doesn't last forever,

that is not to say that you're wife is right in neglecting the relationship she has with you, but this is a common mistake that a lot of people make when they start out. I am guessing you are arguing about this and so she is prob not seeing you as loving husband but as someone who is trying to restrict her. Her logical mind will be telling her that you are right to feel hurt but her heart will be pulling her in all diffrent directions,

i suggest you calmly sit down and talk to you're wife, let her know you love her, that you are not trying to pin her down... then perhaps think of things you can do together to spend quality time, make a date night once a week, when you know you will do something special together,

my personnal opinion is do not try and restrict her time with her other love just ask for some time in return, overnight stays are going to happen, when you are making love to someone the last thing you want to do is leave half way through night.

i hope things work out

Jools
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