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  #11  
Old 10-18-2011, 06:16 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
Because HE feels what he's doing is wrong and doesn't want to either lose her, or have her be mad at him or have her see him as a liar and a cheat.

He wants to do whatever he wants, and have no repercussions from it. He knows if she KNEW what was going on (yes she might know deep down, but I mean out in the open knew), that he most likely would lose her. And so it's easier for HIM to get what he wants by lying to her.
Wow do I ditto this. And I'm living it. (No babies on the way, tho).

You say "we're" pregnant... does this mean the paternity is not known? If I were the girlfriend I'd be PISSED.
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  #12  
Old 10-18-2011, 11:09 PM
Moonmama Moonmama is offline
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He's not worried about losing her as they have both already determined that the relationship is coming to an end when she moves away, which she is choosing to do for no other reason than she wants to. She is currently employed here with TWO jobs and has her bf here. He is wanting to have it end on good terms.
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  #13  
Old 10-19-2011, 12:15 AM
opalescent opalescent is online now
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Originally Posted by Moonmama View Post
He's not worried about losing her as they have both already determined that the relationship is coming to an end when she moves away, which she is choosing to do for no other reason than she wants to. She is currently employed here with TWO jobs and has her bf here. He is wanting to have it end on good terms.
MM,

He wants to end it with her in the dark. Easier for him but not the best thing for him, for her, or for you or your husband.

I realize you adore this man and want him in your and your husband's life and your baby's. However we know people by how they act, not what they say. His actions are disconcerting at best. Are you not concerned about this pattern recurring in your lives together?
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  #14  
Old 10-19-2011, 07:24 PM
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This man is not poly if you ask me, and nor are you if you willingly entered into this situation with him. Maybe in orientation, but not in lifestyle. This is cheating, hands down. Its very black and white to me; non-monogamy without consent, knowledge, honest and open communication in a relationship is cheating... Non-monogamy that is responsible and considerate with ethics such as empathy, integrity etc. is poly. If you want to know more about what others have said on this then check some of the threads found in a search in the tags for "lessons" and "foundations"

Sorry, but "rising above ones ego" just doesn't convince me here. It sounds like a cop out to being invested in someone. To me that means a person has not invested or been moved by a person in terms of bonding. This woman has possibly bonded with this man and he has taken her for a ride by not being responsible in his communication. His heart and sole concern is himself.

It sounds more like you are saying she doesn't have a right to own her emotions if she finds out. I would consider that emotionally abusive actually. If not then it makes me think that you are finding a way to justify his actions in order to sleep okay at night.

"Rising above ones ego" is what I would consider as being a flake and irresponsible. I find it more egotistical than acknowledging that we all have egos and that that is healthy. He sounds like a flake to me. And ya, if he is a flake and a lier to her he will be to everyone. Once a cheater gets away with lying and flaking our of communication they always do until they get caught. I dunno, maybe that's okay with you. I certainly would turn me off.

Have you had a child before? They teach you something about ego and how important it is to have one. Ego is natural and healthy I think, the quest is for me to balance my ego with empathy. Something this man is clueless of by the sound of it.

Have you ever been cheated on in the way he is? Have you deeply loved and cared for someone and had them destroy your trust of anyone because you learned that everything you knew was a lie? I suggest you take a look at some of the threads found under the tag "cheating" in the search engine too. It might help to find some empathy for this woman. No one deserves to be treated with so much disrespect. I don't care what she has done or who she is. Everyone deserves honesty and consideration. Without those basic things there is no love in the world and no hope of anyone ever healing from the damage we cause each other. I suggest that making that your spiritual goal is more healthy rather than the "rising above your ego" goal.
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-19-2011 at 11:05 PM.
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  #15  
Old 10-19-2011, 07:39 PM
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You & your husband are also at risk. For example, since your boyfriend is not communicating about afairs or sex with his girlfriend, who is to say that she is not also 'cheating' or practicing non-monogamy without your boyfriends knowledge. I find this a possibility since you say "she knows" but it is still not discussed in the open. This potentially raises the std risk for everyone involved since there is basically no communication. Not to mention the fast-coming fall-out drama I forsee if something doesn't happen.

As stated by others, this also brings to light several psychological issues your boyfriend has with the idea of polyamory. He see's it as a dirty thing. This is definitely worthy of your discussion because it relates directly to you. You can encourage his & her perception of ethical non-monogamy to change to something positive, encourage honesty, and make choices for yourself based on agreements/boundaries that you & your husband agree on.
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  #16  
Old 10-19-2011, 09:46 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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For once I agree with RedPepper. Your bf needs to tell his gf NOW that he has been having unprotected sex with you (and your husband) and may be the father of your child.

He is being very selfish and cowardly. All 4 of you, you, yr h, your bf and his gf need to be tested now, and so does anyone else your bf and gf have had sex with!
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  #17  
Old 10-19-2011, 11:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
For once I agree with RedPepper.
Geez, there has only been once! I agree with you most of the time...
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  #18  
Old 10-20-2011, 03:09 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
This man is not poly if you ask me, and nor are you if you willingly entered into this situation with him. Maybe in orientation, but not in lifestyle. This is cheating, hands down. Its very black and white to me; non-monogamy without consent, knowledge, honest and open communication in a relationship is cheating... Non-monogamy that is responsible and considerate with ethics such as empathy, integrity etc. is poly. If you want to know more about what others have said on this then check some of the threads found in a search in the tags for "lessons" and "foundations"

Sorry, but "rising above ones ego" just doesn't convince me here. It sounds like a cop out to being invested in someone. To me that means a person has not invested or been moved by a person in terms of bonding. This woman has possibly bonded with this man and he has taken her for a ride by not being responsible in his communication. His heart and sole concern is himself.

It sounds more like you are saying she doesn't have a right to own her emotions if she finds out. I would consider that emotionally abusive actually. If not then it makes me think that you are finding a way to justify his actions in order to sleep okay at night.

"Rising above ones ego" is what I would consider as being a flake and irresponsible. I find it more egotistical than acknowledging that we all have egos and that that is healthy. He sounds like a flake to me. And ya, if he is a flake and a lier to her he will be to everyone. Once a cheater gets away with lying and flaking our of communication they always do until they get caught. I dunno, maybe that's okay with you. I certainly would turn me off.

Have you had a child before? They teach you something about ego and how important it is to have one. Ego is natural and healthy I think, the quest is for me to balance my ego with empathy. Something this man is clueless of by the sound of it.

Have you ever been cheated on in the way he is? Have you deeply loved and cared for someone and had them destroy your trust of anyone because you learned that everything you knew was a lie? I suggest you take a look at some of the threads found under the tag "cheating" in the search engine too. It might help to find some empathy for this woman. No one deserves to be treated with so much disrespect. I don't care what she has done or who she is. Everyone deserves honesty and consideration. Without those basic things there is no love in the world and no hope of anyone ever healing from the damage we cause each other. I suggest that making that your spiritual goal is more healthy rather than the "rising above your ego" goal.
RP, this is REALLY good. Clearly you've been around awhile

And I am sure Mags was just sayin. You two both have a lot of wisdom to share. Neither of you candy-coats much! It's ok to disagree sometimes, too.

MM, his lies are hurting her. And all of you. He needs to stop being a coward and make a decision to live an honest life. Not like you can force him to man-up, but I'm sending out some hope for you that he will. Or at least I hope she moves away soon!
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  #19  
Old 10-20-2011, 03:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Carma View Post

And I am sure Mags was just sayin. You two both have a lot of wisdom to share. Neither of you candy-coats much! It's ok to disagree sometimes, too.
Ya, just teasin
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  #20  
Old 10-20-2011, 08:59 PM
FireChild FireChild is offline
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He could be having sex with other people unprotected without telling you, since he doesn't have the integrity to tell his gf. That's a problem ESPECIALLY for you since you're pregnant.

Think about it in terms of your child. Do you want your child to be taught that the truth is meaningless and that people you love don't deserve your honesty?
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affairs, cheating, children, deception, deciet, dishonety, ego, kids, lying, mistress, new age philosophy, pregnancies, pregnancy, promises, the other woman, trust

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