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Old 10-19-2011, 02:43 PM
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I spoke with Squeeze on the phone last night, and just went ahead and brought up the topic of (non)exclusivity and sex. I had a practice bit from a friend with experience, and I pretty much went from her step 1 right to something much more me....

Which is good. I've been trying to be more and more me, and do what is right for me.

In any case, Squeeze prefers exclusivity because he believes it is less complicated. And in that sense, I absolutely agree. It is less complicated. But he didn't judge me for practicing nonmonogamy, or run away because of Lover. He acknowledged that it will take a bit more time to get to know one another, and also asked me not to share details about my time with Lover. I can certainly honour that.

So, the part of this that was a value conflict is gone, and I am thankful for that. I can get to know Squeeze without feeling like I'm lying by omission. I guess now I still have to figure out what I want, and whether practicing polyamory is important to me.

I waffle on this one pretty consistently, and looking back, I think I have since... well since I started, really. I value many things about polyamory, and I have certainly learned a lot about myself through it. I don't see the acceptance going away.

And in the time since I split with my husband, my idea of what constitutes monogamy has changed, too. Back in the day, I was unhealthily mono... I didn't acknowledge crushes, avoided friendships with men, and expected the same of my husband. I thought marriage synonymous with ownership, though I didn't recognise it as such at the time.

Well, I'm going to stop there for today, as the rest of my thoughts are a bit unformed.
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  #12  
Old 11-08-2011, 04:18 AM
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I spent this weekend with Squeeze. I am so very smitten.
I'm starting to feel so much more comfortable around him. I had a GREAT time! I caught a ride into his town with one of his close friends. Friend and I got on well, and the three of us went out for dinner, then played rock band into the night. Saturday Squeeze and I had brunch then went out around town, and ended the evening off cuddled up and sharing favourite TV with one another. We seem to have very compatible interests and great conversation. We snuggled up in the same bed, and enjoyed some kissing.

It seems that his relationship-creation path is somewhat different than mine. He doesn't give a lot of explicit signs or discuss his feelings. I am pretty open about liking him, and show physical affection easily and clearly. I find myself challenged to be secure and confident. I think I'm up to it, but it feels strange because my experience has been with men who are very up-front about wanting to be with me.

On the other hand, though he doesn't give me a lot of signs, those that he does give are positive. That helps with being confident.

I haven't seen Lover in about a week. Having this time to consider things without pressure convinces me more and more that I am changed by my experiences with polyamory. I truly enjoy my time with Lover, and his family. I donít want to give them up. Though I do admit that I would still be happy if I had less time with them. I notice that Lover remains steadfast in his statements around how he feels about me seeing someone else, and curious about Squeeze and happy for me. But his body language sometimes says ďI need you to still love me too.Ē GF seems a bit more possessive, but in a joking matter. Iím beginning to think that she gets a lot of support from me that I didnít realise.
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