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  #1  
Old 11-01-2009, 04:41 PM
dearprudence dearprudence is offline
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Default Something I learned yesterday

I have had a real challenge accepting and supporting my husband's relationship with a new woman. They have been involved for several months, and are currently in a bit of a holding pattern while they work some things out - things like her other boyfriend that doesn't know of this relationship, her jealousy and possessiveness, her expectations, and most importantly, the way she communicates her feelings and acts out on her emotions. We made a really big mistake months ago by not having a three-way conversation the first time these things came to the surface. Before they determine what their next steps will be, the three of us will have to talk, but I have no idea when that will be, and I am tense and anxious about it. There are red flags, in my opinion and from my perspective. Because I don't have the opportunity to talk with her, these concerns are really the only thing I see. I know communication is the one absolutely critical part of polyamory, and now we all have to start over and have that first conversation.

Yesterday, I suddenly got very worried and upset about it. I felt vulnerable and anxious, and this not knowing what happens next or what that conversation will be like after all this time is driving me crazy. He saw I was upset and we talked about it. I was crying, and I needed him to make love to me and to hold me. So I asked him to do that for the first time ever. And he did, and I stopped crying about it. He and I have an awful tendency of talking, talking, talking, and when we disagree about something, we try to convince and fix. We have to stop that, and instead ask for a simple thing that will put the insecurities back into the proper perspective.

I don't want him to be in a relationship that is such hard work at this early stage. I don't like seeing how she talks to him and confronts him. I don't like that I don't like her right now. I am too quick to take these feelings and turn them into judgement and anger. But I realize that under the judgement and anger is insecurity and vulnerability. I have to trust him and own my place in his life. He has boundaries, and he wants to see this through. He cares for her.

I believe that everyone involved in these relationships has a responsibility to check in and communicate. I have a responsibility to make her feel okay about the dynamic, and she has that same responsibility to me. I'm no expert in this, and I have my own issues that I am working on.

So that's what I learned yesterday - to ask for the little things that will give me comfort and show me what is true; and that we really blew this whole communication thing. So, for now I wait, and focus on what is real, not the what-ifs. I can focus on them when it's time to do so.
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Old 11-01-2009, 04:52 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dearprudence View Post
I have had a real challenge accepting and supporting my husband's relationship with a new woman. They have been involved for several months, and are currently in a bit of a holding pattern while they work some things out - things like her other boyfriend that doesn't know of this relationship, her jealousy and possessiveness, her expectations, and most importantly, the way she communicates her feelings and acts out on her emotions.

Rhetorical question:

HOW the FSCK do people justify being sneaky and deceptive like that on one hand with "jealousy and possessiveness" on the other hand?

Don't they SEE the hypocrisy? Do they at least acknowledge that there is hypocrisy existing in this cozy little dysfunctional arrangement?

I guess you do say they are trying to "work this out"...

Gah.
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Old 11-02-2009, 06:52 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Yeah - we just went through this. Wait a couple days for us to cool down (us is me and Violet)and we can help a lot, I promise. Your situation is very similar to what ours was (hopefully it doesn't end in teh horrible way ours just did - thuswe need to calm down a bit before trying to help).
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Old 11-02-2009, 07:30 AM
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dearprudence... this has been going on for awhile with this woman no? Am I right? She still is with your husband behind her boyfriends back!!!! GAUD,,,, what the ????? I don't get why it goes on still... and you wonder why you are reacting? I feel for you my dear, but really, if it's not sitting well with you then there is a reason for that that runs deeply and it won't go away until its solved.... what to do? I can't wait to hear! I bet you know what I would suggest...
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Old 11-02-2009, 05:58 PM
dearprudence dearprudence is offline
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I few weeks ago, my husband (C) told M that he would not see engage in their relationship until she made a decision about her boyfriend. He held true to that, which I was not sure he would do. But he did. So here's the drama...which I do believe is the final drama of this situation. M told her boyfriend on Friday night and yes, 24 hours later, he told her he didn't want to see her anymore. She called C as we were walking out the door on Saturday night to say she needed to see him. He told her we would be home around 10 and he would meet her, and that he was available all day Sunday. That didn't go over well. She called him names, told him she did this for him and now he was proving that she was inferior, that his wife was taking precedence, god knows what else she was saying. There was another verbal assault yesterday, and evidently another one yet again this morning. I do believe it's over. She said if he won't communicate with her, after he said he won't anymore, she will email me and be angry with me. Can't wait for that. It will take every ounce of willpower I have not to respond if she emails me, but I will not.

I knew it was going to happen that way on Saturday. She had not contacted him except a text in the morning, and she knew we had plans that night. It was not a request that she was hurting and when could they see each other. It was I am hurting and you need to prove that I am important by coming to me right now. That's what it has been from the beginning, and that's what it always would have been. I'm not sure what exactly changed for her, as the three of us spent some time together socially, and she stayed over at our house twice, sleeping with C both of those nights. Sometime after that, her insecurities and expectations took center stage. And we never talked about it and set ground rules and blah blah blah.

I've learned to trust my husband a little bit more. I've learned that he does have boundaries and is honest with me. I've learned that he enjoys the drama way more than I do. I've learned that I don't have to be afraid that he's putting us at risk, and that he can be responsible for his own decisions. Now let's just hope I can hold onto what I've learned.

The bigger question... how do you find these things out about a person before situations occur where all this crap becomes exposed? It really did seem to be off to a good start. How do you "interview" someone for inferiority complexes and a really bad temper, among other things?

Again, I say thank you to everyone for this forum. And thanks for taking the time to reply.
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Old 11-02-2009, 06:32 PM
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Either she is having a massive melt down or is simply incapable of having a poly relationship. And yes..you should take precedence over her...you're his wife. Why the fuck can't people accept that when entering an established relationship involving co-habitating, day to day integration and marriage, that relationship should be the priority because it has more impact. I'm sick of hearing the "I wanna be equal" crap. Until they legalize multiple marriages and new partners are ready to "commit" at that level, then there should be no expectation for this level of equality.
If she isn't just having a temporary meltdown, I hope you both distance yourselves from her. She isn't equipped to handle this approach to loving.
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Old 11-02-2009, 06:34 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Just because someone is poly or thinks they are doesn't make them any less human, with all the disadvantages and shortcomings that go along with the human condition.

You don't find those things out in an "interview" with a monogamistic partner either.
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Old 11-02-2009, 08:41 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
You don't find those things out in an "interview" with a monogamistic partner either.
And that pretty much sums up the unfortunate truth. Sometimes it takes time for the less desirable attributes to manifest...and by that time, it's usually too late. How many friends have I seen experience this at one time or another?
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Old 11-02-2009, 10:13 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
Rhetorical question:

HOW the FSCK do people justify being sneaky and deceptive like that on one hand with "jealousy and possessiveness" on the other hand?

Don't they SEE the hypocrisy? Do they at least acknowledge that there is hypocrisy existing in this cozy little dysfunctional arrangement?

I guess you do say they are trying to "work this out"...

Gah.
I wonder that ALL the time. ALL THE TIME.
It makes NO sense to me whatsoever.
In all my "screw ups" in our relationship and my affair-I was never possessive or jealous.
Don't get me wrong-NOT SAYING CHEATING IS OK.
It's not.

Just saying I do see the bizarre hypocrisy in being a cheater AND being jealous and possessive.

"They" do say that people tend to accuse when they themselves are doing the crime...
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Old 11-02-2009, 11:48 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I wonder that ALL the time. ALL THE TIME.
It makes NO sense to me whatsoever.
In all my "screw ups" in our relationship and my affair-I was never possessive or jealous.
Don't get me wrong-NOT SAYING CHEATING IS OK.
It's not.

Just saying I do see the bizarre hypocrisy in being a cheater AND being jealous and possessive.

"They" do say that people tend to accuse when they themselves are doing the crime...
I'm not perfect either, but if I'm running around drunk I don't go accusing other people of having a drinking problem, ya know?
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