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  #71  
Old 10-31-2009, 03:55 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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I just got here. Haven't been monitoring this thread as I've been short on time recently.

Man! Miss a little, miss a lot!

*picks up Alex's chair, throws it at Steve Wilkos*
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  #72  
Old 11-01-2009, 02:08 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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For the love of all that is holy, what the hell is this?! I don't know whether to laugh or cry!

I NEVER told Violet to take her promise/engagement ring off. Were we to wed prior to a trong third entering our relationship, I would NOT ask her to remove her wedding ring.

There was a hypothetical discussion about what we would do IN A YEAR when our planned wedding date approaches if things with Anne have progressed. I stated that at that time, should it come, I would prefer a ring for all three of us. I have no idea where the rest of this is coming from.

There was a point in the discussion where I said that in MY OPINION, a long-term triad established either before or after a marriage would have a symbol of the triad. I said that it may or may not be an addition to or a replacement for any existing symbols. I thought I was pretty clear that this would depend on how everyone involved felt; i was asked my opinion on this hypothetical and I gave it.

As for the other examples my dear Vi gave - sweetie, what is going on, lol? A lot has happened since that talk, but all that aside - where did the concept of equality become equated with giving up "sweet little things" or forcing participation in such? Babies? What the...
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  #73  
Old 11-01-2009, 02:42 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Time to get that ol' Vulcan mind-meld thing working.

This written communication ain't all it's cracked up to be.
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  #74  
Old 11-01-2009, 03:12 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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We talk, a lot. She told me this thread existed, but I didn't realize what it was or what had been said, lol. We're actually talking about it right now, lol.
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  #75  
Old 11-01-2009, 04:54 AM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Shenanigans! The ring thing is moot, IMO......the big ? is what the hell is Anne doing and is this the kind of poly arrangement that Vi and HMA signed up for? If it isn't right in all 3 parties heads, then it's all for naught. They're getting way ahead of themselves with the ring talk.
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  #76  
Old 11-01-2009, 07:00 AM
sea sea is offline
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Default OK...I have a real problem!

After reading the whole story of HMA, Violet, Lana and Anne( and Mark).
OMG! what are you thinking???

It is a proven fact the the human brain hasn't fully even developed untill 25 years of age!! At 20 and 21 years of age, I am sorry, but you don't have the maturity and knowledge to even fathom all the in and outs of a monogamous relationship, never mind a multi faceted poly one! ( I am not saying Vi and Anne specifically, but that age group)

Our youngest daughter is 23, she is our most 'worldly' and independant child. If she came to us and said this was going on in her life I would say RUN, RUN HARD FAST........AND NOW!!!!

To be involved with in this type of relationship, with age differances, and past histories so troubled. So much, so fast and so young! Be carefull!, slow down and if you are going to continue, do it with lots of full honest communication.

It may be the Mom in me, but is also the caring!

Ceoli, you thought you needed to duck .....Hell...think I am now facing the firing squad!
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  #77  
Old 11-01-2009, 07:31 AM
violet violet is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sea View Post
It is a proven fact the the human brain hasn't fully even developed untill 25 years of age!! At 20 and 21 years of age, I am sorry, but you don't have the maturity and knowledge to even fathom all the in and outs of a monogamous relationship, never mind a multi faceted poly one! ( I am not saying Vi and Anne specifically, but that age group)
No needs to duck, sea. lol I just have to point out that this is one of my pet peeves. I did a lot of study on exactly what parts of the brain aren't fully developed - because it was something that my older partners often pulled on me when I would say or do something they deemed immature or unwise. Sometimes, they were right - other times, not so much.

I can see where one might assume - based on the recent research and also on experience with many "older adolescents" (which is still what we're considered until 25, from a neural standpoint) - that we aren't able to grasp the "in and out of a monogamous relationship". It's less about the so-called hard science, IMO, and more about said adolescent's personal experiences, the way it's affected them, combined with some science. Like we don't all know someone in their 30's or 40's who have less ability to be rational and conduct themselves in a way that's DECIDEDLY not conducive to a relationship (poly or otherwise), let alone in some cases function in society. I know 40-year-olds who would be better off associating themselves with my best friend's 13 year old sister than their own age group.

The research has concluded that in the majority of people aged 10-25, that it's the prefrontal cortex (which controls the "executive functions" of higher reasoning; ie, impulse control), and the neurotransmitters that manage dopamine (the chemical that controls concentration, advanced problem-solving, etc). It explains why people "our age" are so impulsive, and have a tendency to be emotionally driven. I can stand up and admit that I have moments where I have said - out loud - "Aww, crap. That was a rebellious teenage moment, wasn't it?" to HMA. He always laughs at me. Most people my age wouldn't be so capable. lol At least I can recognize it, move past it, and get on with life.

Development and capabilities of the adolescent brain are affected greatly by environmental and situational factors as well. Alcohol does HORRIBLE things to brain development before 25 (yet our drinking age is still 21. So weird.), and severely inhibits the prefrontal cortex's ability to handle rational thought and impulse control, forcing the individual to rely heavily on the "emotional" sectors of the brain to influence decisions. It also has a ton to do with what portions of the brain are used most often, etc.

The research also states that while the brain isn't done FULLY maturing, with all connections made - the biological age in which all "grey matter" is up to par and functional is 20-21. It's a matter of how you exercise it, as I stated above. IF you're still stuck in your "emotional area", allowing that to govern you - it will take time for the brain to develop those connections fully. If you actively work to think rationally, correct yourself when you're not, etc - your brain is functioning at the "adult level" of maturity by the age of 20-21. Most people in this age group obviously don't. lol

Anyway, I ranted off enough. Just keep in mind that there are a LOT of factors that go into the way a person thinks, handles relationships, and conducts themselves that ISN'T related to an under-developed brain.

Anne and I are perfectly capable of handling ourselves. Don't make a judgment call like that - especially not about me - without knowing what made me who I am. I've packed a lot of life into 20 years, done a lot of damage, been married and divorced already, etc. Anne - well, not so much. But she's ahead of her time too.

Still, appreciate the input!
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"Variety, multiplicity are the two most powerful vehicles of lust.."
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Last edited by violet; 11-01-2009 at 07:39 AM.
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  #78  
Old 11-01-2009, 08:13 AM
sea sea is offline
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Violet...I never meant to say you were to ' young ' to understand. Yes, many many outside influences make us who we are, how we think...do ....blah blah blah...
Just the little that HMA said about past experiences let the imagination run...and my heart breaks for anyone that has to do with crap than NO-ONE should ever have to face.
I have read many of your posts, and you of all people on here are the one I can relate to the most, I have felt so much like you have expressed. I know how much hurt comes with that, and I wouldn't want anyone to feel this.

I have never met you...and all I would like to do is hug you and say, damn,,,but I understand!
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  #79  
Old 11-01-2009, 06:36 PM
violet violet is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sea View Post
Violet...I never meant to say you were to ' young ' to understand. Yes, many many outside influences make us who we are, how we think...do ....blah blah blah...
Just the little that HMA said about past experiences let the imagination run...and my heart breaks for anyone that has to do with crap than NO-ONE should ever have to face.
I have read many of your posts, and you of all people on here are the one I can relate to the most, I have felt so much like you have expressed. I know how much hurt comes with that, and I wouldn't want anyone to feel this.

I have never met you...and all I would like to do is hug you and say, damn,,,but I understand!
I didn't mean to go off like that. That whole "Brain study" is a really touchy subject for me, and I was REALLY on edge when I wrote that last night. It's been a rough couple of days. Weeks, really. I'm really sorry - hope I didn't offend you.

And hey, if we understand one another - if you ever need someone to talk to, PM away!
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"No lover, if he be of good faith, and sincere, will deny he would prefer to see his mistress dead than unfaithful."
-Marquis De Sade

"Variety, multiplicity are the two most powerful vehicles of lust.."
-Marquis De Sade
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  #80  
Old 11-02-2009, 07:42 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive View Post
For the love of all that is holy, what the hell is this?! I don't know whether to laugh or cry!

I NEVER told Violet to take her promise/engagement ring off. Were we to wed prior to a trong third entering our relationship, I would NOT ask her to remove her wedding ring.

There was a hypothetical discussion about what we would do IN A YEAR when our planned wedding date approaches if things with Anne have progressed. I stated that at that time, should it come, I would prefer a ring for all three of us. I have no idea where the rest of this is coming from.

There was a point in the discussion where I said that in MY OPINION, a long-term triad established either before or after a marriage would have a symbol of the triad. I said that it may or may not be an addition to or a replacement for any existing symbols. I thought I was pretty clear that this would depend on how everyone involved felt; i was asked my opinion on this hypothetical and I gave it.

As for the other examples my dear Vi gave - sweetie, what is going on, lol? A lot has happened since that talk, but all that aside - where did the concept of equality become equated with giving up "sweet little things" or forcing participation in such? Babies? What the...
If I may-I think what happened is that a potentially non-eventful conversation may have been had at a time when V just wasn't emotionally "on top of her game" and fears and concerns ensued.

I had a weekend like that this weekend. Almost COMPLETELY driven by hormones (sorry I know we women!). Fortunately I was able to start the weekend with "wow Maca I'm really feeling moody and emotional and need some TLC" and he was on the ball realizing that the weekend was likely to revolve around reassuring me.

It's Monday and I feel like my moodiness actually drove us to even closer moments and understandings.

No harm-now you two can clarify meaning and reach a better understanding of needs/desires/wants etc!
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