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Old 10-17-2011, 04:52 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 495

You say you're changing your mind a lot right now... well, duh!

You just opened up a huge amount of emotions, thoughts and feelings you never had before, and didnt' really have the skills (yet!) to cope with them. It happens to a lot of people! I think it's great that you're actually working through the thoughts and feelings instead of just reacting (though I'm sure reactions happen!), and that's great stuff!! It's also not easy, and sometimes unpleasant. :-/

Perhaps you need a bit of time to sit with what's gone on so far, and let it settle a bit? X seems to have made up her mind to move out, so perhaps letting her have the space and time for now while you work through your stuff? I know that when things are shifting/changing it can make us cling more or try to "work harder" to get everything to work out "right" (i.e. the way we want them). Unfortunately, sometimes things work out they way they want to, or should, and that's not always the way we'd choose.

And, I think, maybe some time of just "being", might be nice for everybody so that they can kind of assess what's gone on, assimilate the changes, and adapt a bit. You can see where you all are at that point. Just be caring, thoughtful and respectful in the meantime and I think some time will help.
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Old 10-17-2011, 06:00 PM
knightsaber knightsaber is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: sheffield
Posts: 4

I know its very early after whats happened, but because of the way the everything has ended up I fear I may struggle to form future meaningful relationships with other females as I don't know if Ill find anyone that will accept my relationship with Papillon the way X did.
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Old 10-17-2011, 06:03 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 9,043

You were together for over five years. Give yourself time to grieve before thinking about who else you will be with in the future. Just know there are other very understanding poly women out there.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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Old 10-18-2011, 05:41 AM
47newbie 47newbie is offline
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 24

Knightsaber, perhaps it will help to remember that one person cannot always be "all" or meet all needs of another. I consider this the very essence of poly.

The topic which comes up from time to time when I discuss alternative relationships with "mono" friends is that I'm somehow cheating my wife by not asking for a divorce before persuing other relationships. Honestly, I think the opposite is truth. I believe the other relationships fufill needs not being met inside the marriage relationship both non sexual and sexual.

I'm new to trying to understand poly too. The one truth I have found is that complete honesty in communications both helps and hinders the journey, you have to accept that jealious is part of the emotional package. We all need to keep trying.

Intimacy without sex may be one option you could consider for starting new relationships. Everyone needs to be comfortable in their relationship status before the passions ensues. In my view, it gives you a safe corner, if challenges force changes in the relationship.
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break-ups, quad-dating

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