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  #11  
Old 10-16-2011, 04:10 PM
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Mac341 Mac341 is offline
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So, while I spent the last two nights not sleeping and waiting for the shoe to drop, these are the things that have been going through my head.
  • What happened to taking things slowly and if there's a problem, we all take time and work it out? Isn't that how things are supposed to work?
  • What happened to edging into this carefully until we're certain it works for both of us?
  • So she's great! She rocks your world! And because of that I have to suck it up and deal rather than us taking it slowly. That's not the agreement we made!
  • Half the problem is the problem itself. The other half of the problem is my interpretation of her response:
    I didn't see"Crap. Ok, lets slow down and work on it."

    So far as I can tell: I got anger. I got resentment. I got the message that I was messing with her relationship. It seemed clear that she had no interest trying to make my limit work . She just decided it won't work and that I was interfering in her relationship.

    It would have been lovely to have acknowledgment that their relationship had already seriously impinged upon ours
  • Why am I being made out to be the bad guy for discovering a limit?
  • I gave up our time so she could get a need met and now, when I have a sudden need, an issue, I get anger. I really, really resent that and it's injured my trust. You aren't thinking about us, anymore, you're thinking about you and her
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  #12  
Old 10-16-2011, 11:42 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Things have to be fair to her, too. You stay over at her house until dinnertime, and you want her not to go out with another guy after you've gone. But where do you go after you leave her house? Home to your primary, right? So... you're allowed to see another person that day but she's not?
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  #13  
Old 10-17-2011, 01:59 AM
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Default Fair and equality are different things.

I'm working with that concept now, very hard.

The implication that because I'm going to a house where there's a loved one, it's tacitly unfair that I ask her to be alone. Here's the problem, I never envisioned that she was alone... or more accurately, bereft, once I'm gone.

Many see me going "home to my Primary" in every sense of the word. So because I get one, it's only fair that she get one (equality). Here's the thing, for all intents and purposes, my Primary could be a roommate or not present at all. I go home but I don't "go home to him."

After she and I are together even when I drive away, she's with me. She's all over me, in me, through me. I can still breath her in, hear her laugh, my heart is still beating at that slower pace. I'm still 98% connected to her. In order for me to be that connected to someone else so quickly, I would have to make a heroic effort to disconnect myself from the previous person.

And until she and I finally spoke, long, hard, loud and tearfully today, that was the inner dialogue, complete with movie reel: That she intentionally discarding us... me, to be with the other person.

She has managed to convince me that this is inaccurate, that for her, my leaving is a profound disconnect and she's truly alone in every sense of the word, when I walk out that door.

Frankly, that breaks my heart.
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  #14  
Old 10-17-2011, 03:35 AM
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If she's disregarding your feelings, and not trying to help you with this, that's a problem. But I agree with the other posters that it's not fair to ask her not to see her other partner. My impression is that your experience -- being so strongly connected to her that your primary may as well not be there after you see her -- is very rare.

I can tell you, as someone who's dated a married woman for two years and who's only recently had a primary of my own (and not a live-in one for the time being), there have been many times when I've left my gf's house and felt lonely as soon as I started driving away, not still magically connected, as nice as that sounds. Not to say that I leave feeling sad and lonely every time, far from it, but it can be hard, when I feel like I wanted more time but had to let her go anyway.

Sometimes after seeing her, I go home and sleep alone. Sometimes I go to my bf's place and spend the night with him. I base that decision on how he and I are doing and whether I want to see him, not on anything between her and I. I'll see her again when I next see her and that's that.

If she tried to tell me not to ever see him right after seeing her, I would be hurt, frankly, because that would mean I'd be forced to be doubly alone... not with her, and barred from seeing him. Sometimes, like I said, I choose that for myself. But if I'm lonely from missing her, and had to also deny myself his company if I wanted it and he was available, I think that would just magnify any sense of isolation I was already feeling to the point of intolerability, plus it might well negatively affect my relationship with him because we'd be missing chances to connect, and time can be such a rare and previous commodity in the lives of poly folk.

So, I guess what I'm saying is I'm sorry you're hurting, and your gf should be sensitive to that, but I sympathize with her 1,000% on this one.
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  #15  
Old 10-17-2011, 01:55 PM
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So
Is not wanting her new oso all over me also wrong?
this is an *energy* thing for me, amazingly enough, If I wanted to be rolling around in that person's energy, I'd be with *them*.

Is me saying hey, don't go directly from sexual contact with them to being sexually intimate with me, also wrong?
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  #16  
Old 10-17-2011, 02:10 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mac341 View Post
So
Is not wanting her new oso all over me also wrong?
this is an *energy* thing for me, amazingly enough, If I wanted to be rolling around in that person's energy, I'd be with *them*.

Is me saying hey, don't go directly from sexual contact with them to being sexually intimate with me, also wrong?
That sounds like a perfectly fair request to me, actually.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #17  
Old 10-17-2011, 03:52 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I think you've gotten a lot of good advice and some other sides to the story.

Here's what I'm seeing.

Previously, you got to have what you want, and it seemed lovely. And the "thought" of her having another SO was fine, because it was theoretical.

Now it's a reality and you're experiencing some emotions you didn't plan on, jealousy, envy, loss, feeling replaced, feeling not as important.

Basically--all of the emotions most of us feel and have to work through when we're first learning to have multiple relationships (with a rare few exceptions of course!).

And instead of realizing "oh, this is what it feels like, wow! Why am I feeling this?", instead of investigating what emotions you're feeling and what thoughts (and make believe stories) your emotions are building... you just want it to stop, and want her to stop so you don't feel bad.

I totally understand that, believe me. I think many of us have been in that same place. But the fact is that your reaction/emotions/thoughts are pretty normal, and it is for YOU to work through them. Of course, getting that reassurance from your SO can make a huge difference, getting her support in realizing it's a bit harder for you than you'd like, so she can be reassuring and gentle and kind while you're working through it.

And maybe you're not getting the reassurance from your SO that you wanted because of your approach. Maybe instead of "I feel like shit, you need to stop what you're doing because it makes me feel bad", you could say something more like "Hey, I didn't realize that I'd have these strong feelings about you being with him after me. Can you reassure me that you miss me when I'm gone, and that we are still connected?"

You might get a better response, and more of what you need, if you ask for what will reassure you instead of trying to control her actions. Because frankly I do agree it's not fair to want her to sit there alone while you go home to your primary. And even if she were to agree to that, there would be a degree of resentment that would build that could possibly destroy what you have.

Besides, doing the work you need to do to work through your emotions/feelings/thoughts is important work. Yes it's easier not to do it and just try to make everybody else change their lives so that you don't have to. But in the long run, you're the one that loses out. Growth is good.
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  #18  
Old 10-17-2011, 03:59 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mac341 View Post
So
Is not wanting her new oso all over me also wrong?
this is an *energy* thing for me, amazingly enough, If I wanted to be rolling around in that person's energy, I'd be with *them*.

Is me saying hey, don't go directly from sexual contact with them to being sexually intimate with me, also wrong?

There's no "wrong" involved. You can most certainly ask for that. Would it be a temorary thing while you got accustomed to the new situation, or would it be permanent?

And, just out of curiosity, do you go home from her and have sex with your primary, or do you always have a break? I know a lot of people that will have sex and cuddle or whatever with their primary as a way of reconnecting after being with other(s). They take that sexual energy from the OSO and bring it back home and share with their partner. To many people that's one of the benefits of poly relationships.

So just a food for thought question... why do you consider that energy from another partner "bad". What's the deal? It's just energy.
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  #19  
Old 10-17-2011, 04:18 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mac341 View Post
So
Is not wanting her new oso all over me also wrong?
this is an *energy* thing for me, amazingly enough, If I wanted to be rolling around in that person's energy, I'd be with *them*.
I am not quite following how your gf would be rubbing the energy she has with her other partner all over you. According to her, when she parts company with you, that's it. She starts afresh and doesn't bring that energy with her. So, she'd probably do the same thing with her other loves and start afresh with you. Hence you would not be "rolling around" in anyone else's energy, as you put it.

As far as discovering this reaction in yourself, be careful not to... for lack of a better word, wallow in it. In other words, see if you can look at your reaction like an anthropologist, step back a bit from the tumultuous emotions, and observe this in yourself. Ask why it is that you're having such a strong response and feel so offended by her ability to disengage. Examine your response instead of waving it around like it means something. Take it as something to learn about yourself from.

Also, consider that perhaps her ability to do this means she takes all the wonderful heady feelings she has when she's with you and is able to carry them in her heart without getting lost in the clouds about it. So, she has her feet on the ground. You way of carrying the energy with you is your way, and her way of setting it aside is hers; neither is better than the other. She deals with having multiple partners differently than you do; why does this make you feel slighted? I would hazard a guess that, for some reason, this has poked a bit at some insecurities you carry around with you.
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-17-2011 at 04:20 PM.
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  #20  
Old 10-17-2011, 05:08 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mac341 View Post
So
Is not wanting her new oso all over me also wrong?
this is an *energy* thing for me, amazingly enough, If I wanted to be rolling around in that person's energy, I'd be with *them*.

Is me saying hey, don't go directly from sexual contact with them to being sexually intimate with me, also wrong?
I don't see anything wrong with your request. I am very big on energy transfer as well. I don't want to experience a lot of people's energy...and sexual energy is definitely not something I want to be exposed to besides Redpepper's.

I remember having sex with RP after she had a date with Leo that left her aroused. I later felt kind of like a substitute or stand in for the sex she really wanted to have with him. Basically I felt like I was swimming in thier sexual energy and it left me unsettled and "tainted" I guess you could say.

I don't see any harm in having a cool down time.
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