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Old 10-16-2011, 11:14 PM
Rootlet Rootlet is offline
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Vancouver, Canada
Posts: 14
Unhappy New poly with asexual wife

I just wrote that subject line and thought to myself, "boy are you screwed!" (no pun intended).

I'm a woman who has been with my wife for over a decade. My wife went through menopause about 5 years ago and lost her sex drive almost completely. I've been patient, she's gone on hormones, but finally we (actually she) decided enough is enough about two weeks ago. After another couple of months to grieve (I'm smart enough to know I'm not dateable right now) that my wife doesn't feel like being sexual with me (or anyone) any more, or rarely, if so, I've made it clear that I'm going to need to see other women. She's not crazy about the idea, but gets that it's necessary, and is good with it as long as I'm discreet. I have no idea how to do that. My standard mode of being is to be very forthright, so 'sneaking around' will feel wrong to me.

The ideal scenario for both of us seems to be for us to stay as primaries and for me to form a secondary relationship with another woman, hopefully someone poly herself. I'm Wiccan, and my religion is very poly-friendly, and I know a couple of poly people casually. I've been considering poly as an option for awhile now, long before my current partner, and even tried it briefly with an earlier partner, but it turned out not to be a fit for her.

Where I'm having problems, beyond the grief, is how or whether to 'come out' when I'm ready to do that. I live in a reasonable sized city, but still, the lesbian community is a small and chatty one, and I don't want to be gossipped about. As well, my wife and I are well known as a couple, and she's quite private. If word gets out I'm dating other women, I fear it will be interesting news. I'm sure she doesn't want everyone to know she lost her libido, for example. I'm not big on being closeted, but I'd like some privacy while I figure out what the hell I'm doing. Because of this, and the fact that a lot of my friends are our mutual friends, I've only told one friend what is going on, and I feel pretty isolated. The friend I told is mono, and I can tell by her face she thinks that the poly thing is a bad idea and I'm just in denial that I'm getting a divorce.

My wife and I are good partners to one another, and have a lot of family and other glue tying us together, but I fear sometimes that going poly is a way of just bargaining with the inevitable, that we're doomed. We are the first lesbian marriage most of our family have ever experienced, and her family are so good to me, that we both feel like we would lose something irreparable if we gave each other up as family. I have a feeling this could work, but not a lot of logic to back it up. Are there any other people out there married to asexual people, who have other partners?

The odd thing is, this all feels like the hand of the Goddess here, if that makes sense, that we're letting go of what has died, but allowing things to be reborn in another form. What I do know, though, is that I don't think I can be monogamous again with someone else even if we do split up.

I know this is kind of a light discussion area, but I didn't have any place I could get out of my head what is going on with people who might potentially understand. I feel so sad and lost.

(doing my bit to help myself and the world be a bit more grounded...)
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lesbian, menopause

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