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  #191  
Old 10-14-2011, 10:41 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
BV is Bacterial Vaginosis. It's just another bacterial type infection you can get pretty easily from stuff getting in there that shouldn't.
You mean, like, fists ?

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
So what's this about wedding plans that you talked about in another blog??
Oh yeah, I didn't mean to hijack Annabel's blog.

All the major issues have been decided, like the location, theme, dresses, guest list etc. But definitely not happening next summer, since there's no time. Actually, we have one glaring issue still - whether to have a trampoline or not (I just want to add some bounce to the festivities! ). Actually, Vanilla wants a really traditional affair, and I'm like hon, there's nothing trad about as at all, so why fake it if you can't make it?

We were actually supposed to wait if/when we get the whole gay marriage amendment, but probably want to have kidlets before that happens (if ever), which means the actual ceremony will be super lame (involving signing a paper, hooray!). The marriage talks are actually the logical follow-up of the kid talks we've been having, so while it's a big thing, it's not actually that big a thing in itself but more of a step on the way to getting what we want (a family). If it weren't for the massive legal perk of intra-family adoption, I personally wouldn't much care for the whole institution. But I have some savings so why not tie the knot with style, if tied it must be ?
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  #192  
Old 10-15-2011, 12:38 AM
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Are you saying you and Vanilla can't get married in Finland, but you can get a civil union (as you said, sign a paper)?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
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  #193  
Old 10-15-2011, 04:00 AM
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BU, how long have you and VanillaIce been seeing each other?
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #194  
Old 10-15-2011, 09:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Are you saying you and Vanilla can't get married in Finland, but you can get a civil union (as you said, sign a paper)?
Yup. The only real differences are that civil partners can't adopt from outside the family and can't have a shared last name. Oh yes, and the stupid signing thing .

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
BU, how long have you and VanillaIce been seeing each other?
5 months. But hey, the wedding will take place summer 2013 the earliest .
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  #195  
Old 10-15-2011, 10:28 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Default Random musings

1) Vanilla asked me what would be the worst thing that could happen in our relationship. I didn't have to think twice - violence or threat of violence would make it impossible for us to live together. She pondered it for a while and said that me suddenly turning secretive, starting to lie about my goings, hiding my screen when online, lying about who I'm talking to. Like why I would need to lie and hide stuff if we have agreed to be open and honest?

2) We had our first disagreement with Vanilla yesterday. Not a real fight, but like something that we needed to discuss. It felt weird but good at the same time, like the Real Everyday Life is finally making an entrance into our lives together.

3) My mum informed me that I am "murdering her love for me", while insisting on being such a "bloody dyke" .

Vanilla's mum, on the other hand, doesn't have anything against lesbian couples PER SE. However, she thinks that people should follow their reason instead of their hearts in making decisions about beginning a romantic relationship. In our specific case, Vanilla should have been content to stay friends with me despite there being mutual love between us, and waited for the Right Man to come along .

I don't know which brand of bigotism is worse, really.

4) I've decided to start studying this whole relationship thing, to better prepare me for a future with Vanilla and to help me get back on track with Moonlight.
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  #196  
Old 10-15-2011, 10:57 AM
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
3) My mum informed me that I am "murdering her love for me", while insisting on being such a "bloody dyke" .

Vanilla's mum, on the other hand, doesn't have anything against lesbian couples PER SE. However, she thinks that people should follow their reason instead of their hearts in making decisions about beginning a romantic relationship. In our specific case, Vanilla should have been content to stay friends with me despite there being mutual love between us, and waited for the Right Man to come along .
Oh yeah. Parents can be just great.
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  #197  
Old 10-15-2011, 01:20 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
5 months. But hey, the wedding will take place summer 2013 the earliest .
I'm sure you weren't eagerly waiting on my approval, but for the record I think 2 years sounds like a reasonable amount of time.

Btw, I like the wording in your signature line.
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  #198  
Old 10-16-2011, 12:57 PM
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I'm sure you weren't eagerly waiting on my approval, but for the record I think 2 years sounds like a reasonable amount of time.
Of course I was! I live on validation!

Yep, August 2013 it is. The organizing (location reservations etc.) will take at least a year, and the month is pretty important for me. Plus, we are now focusing on moving into our new apt (complete with TWO SEPARATE rooms! I long for the days when there were actual doors in-between spaces in my place of habitation), and maybe getting another furry feline baby.

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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Btw, I like the wording in your signature line.
Hah, nice that you noticed! I wanted to somehow convey that the amour side of poly is still going strong for me, although technically I have only one relationship with sex and all the jazz going on atm.
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  #199  
Old 10-16-2011, 01:57 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Default Dangerous relationship myths, pt. 1

As promised, I have seriously started to study this relationship-y stuff with Mr. Pekka Hämäläinen, who has extensive experience as a couple's and family therapist and whose written a book Hyvä parisuhde (A Good Relationship), beginning with listing the most dangerous relationship myths people cling onto to the detriment of everyone involved.

This pondering is based on my own reflections over his text, which is why I, against all good practice, will not reference him on page-by-page basis. Even the wording of the myths is my own.

Myth number one:

People don't change. The beginning of the relationship provides all the tools, knowledge and understanding required to make the relationship last.

His rebuttal:

People change all the time, every day, for the entire duration of their lives. In the normal course of every relationship, there's a phase of individualization and independence, and a person going through that phase may experience strong feelings of hatred and bitterness towards their partner, whom they perceive as dull, clingy and needy, a hamper to their personal happiness and growth.

In the first phase of the relationship, the symbiosis phase, people find their partners fascinating beyond measure. Compared to the all-night-long philosophical discussions of the first year together, many people are sorely disappointed when their time together with their partners starts resembling two strangers hanging out in the same space at the same time, both safe from eye-contact behind their laptops. While going through the individualization phase, it can seem that you are sharing your life and bed with a complete stranger. Many at this point connect the dots and realize that in the initial NRE phase, they have chosen a partner who's incompatible. It's easy to forget that the getting-to-know-you -phase doesn't end with "I do" or moving in together; it continues throughout the relationship, and requires even more time and energy when the love hormones have evened out.

During the symbiosis stage, partners know the limits of their relationship - what it can take and what is a deal-breaker. When one partner then hits the individualization stage, it might seem to the partner left to observe from the sidewalk that they can count on absolutely nothing anymore. The understanding that was created in the beginning of the relationship is starting to show cracks, the cards have gone up in the air and there's no saying if the relationship will continue or not. Typical of this phase are infidelity crises, trial separations and counseling together and separately. The limits of the relationship are under intense re-evaluation and people start asking themselves; Can we make it through this? Even now? Wouldn't it be easier at this point just to break up already? Can our love ever be the same it was?

The partners may feel cheated. Their images of their partner do not correspond with reality. I have been deceived. I can no longer trust anything they say. Change is, however, an inbuilt feature of all people and relationships. Instead of running into rash conclusions about the future sustainability of the relationship, it might pay out to take a step back and wait what emerges after the dust has settled. If one chickens out of the hard getting-to-know-the-new-you -work at this point, they may never get to enjoy the perks of a relationship that has weathered the individualization crisis - stronger partnership and often even a new honeymoon phase.
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Last edited by BlackUnicorn; 10-16-2011 at 02:00 PM.
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  #200  
Old 10-16-2011, 02:18 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Nice insights, BU.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
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