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Old 10-15-2011, 08:35 PM
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Mac341 Mac341 is offline
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Default Discovery!

So my gal and I have been in the situation where I have a primary at home, but I was her only relationship. Knowing that sooner or later, she'd find that other person(s) I left space/time in how we interact from the get go.

So a month ago, we were pointed at someone and I encouraged my gal to go for it. Said person is very busy and so dates for them are 'catch as catch can'.

This week my gal scheduled a date with us both on the same day: My overnight date ending between 4 and 5 today, and her date with the other person starting a few hours later... Today.
I discovered something:
I apparently need a "one solo sleep rule".
The very idea of her seeing me and the other person on the same day makes my whole body go ooggie. Seriously, it's the most accurate term. I have a visceral gut roiling reaction of "Ick! Ewww! Gross!"

For me: Our date ends and even though I walk away, I'm still connected.
For her: Our date ends and when I walk away, I'm gone.

The challenge is this is a hard wiring/core values thing, I doubt either of us is going to change their views in this regard.

So.

Now what?
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Old 10-15-2011, 08:51 PM
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I am sorry I don't fully understand the problem. Or what you're looking for. But I will say your idea that she must not be connected to you anymore, just because she sees someone else on same the day she sees you, is basically being a little rough on yourself. I have seen two guys in one day, and even though there were only a few hours in between didn't mean anything, in the sense that one was no longer special or part of me anymore. I still felt connected to one when I was with the other. And it can be quite a turn-on for both you and her, actually. I think this is just something you need to get past by seeing what's underneath your gut reactions, rather than make a rule about it. Like -- just as an example -- how we would work through jealousy, by stepping back and asking "what am I jealous of?" In this case, "What is this feeling of disconnection coming from?" Keep drilling down to the basis of it. Making a rule will impact their relationship, and since the other person has a limited schedule, that's might not be do-able. See if you can let her manage her relationships and her own schedule and you just relax and trust, and try to examine whatever comes up for you in the process. Being with two people in a day is not a crisis, but if you feel not taken care of, then voice your concerns.
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-16-2011 at 07:40 AM.
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Old 10-15-2011, 09:56 PM
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I'm looking for some compassion.

My response blindsided me but it's so gut deep and visceral, I don't see it changing any time soon. I've been with her for 18 months and counting, at month 17 she, with my support and encouragement added her new interest. My response to the 'double booking' was a huge shock for both of us.

As was the discovery that we are so polarized in our expectations in this regard.

Right now all I see is the disconnect, and no way to fix things. I'm asking for help and also if other people have this issue of going from one partner to another being distasteful when it's 'too close' and if so, how they've handled the discovery or did they just "know ahead of time?" What does that look like, do you ask for a sleep night or what ever?

Last edited by Mac341; 10-16-2011 at 12:20 AM.
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Old 10-15-2011, 10:38 PM
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I have read many times here that alot of people do need a bit of a transition time after coming home from a date with an OSO. So their energies catch up with them and settle into being with the other partner. But I don't think I've read much here about the moments when two part company as one of the heads off to be with someone else, except for when someone drops their spouse off and they process some excitement or feeling a little weird if it's new.

Do you two live together? I'm a little confused about who is your gal and who is your primary.
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Old 10-16-2011, 12:05 AM
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Default Long responses. ~sigh~

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I don't understand the problem. Or what you're looking for. But I will say your idea that she must not be connected to you anymore, just because she sees someone else on same the day she sees you, is basically being a little rough on yourself. I have seen two guys in one day, and even though there were only a few hours in between didn't mean anythin, in teh sense that one was no longer special or part of me anymore. I still felt connected to one when I was with the other.
I am struggling to grok that my sense of immediate connectivity is actually quite different than hers and where I wouldn't dream, like in a million years of taking that intense energy to another partner, for her it's, at the bare minimum a non-issue.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
And it can be quite a turn-on for both you and her, actually.
Her maybe, but like I said in the other post, I don't actually know for certain yet. As for me, I do hear the details of her time in a mixture of broad and detailed strokes and it's a compersion reaction rather than a turn on. I'm thrilled she's having a hot and happy time. I really am. She's getting needs met that we knew I couldn't meet because of my own wiring and interests and that's joyful.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I think this is just something you need to get past by seeing what's underneath your gut reactions, rather than make a rule about it. Like how we would work through jealousy, step back and ask "what am I jealous of?" In this case, "What is this feeling of disconnection coming from?"
The connection is so energetic and so powerful for me, and I need to add spiritual here as well, that even when I walk away, it's like I'm still there. I go home, and I wrap myself in us; I bask in us. However, I have just discovered, last night, that once I leave there's no such lingering connection for her, at least not in a way which I can relate. For her:
Quote:
When you walk out that door, you're gone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Keep drillling down to the basis of it.
Last night I kept coming back to the image of her washing me off of her and going off with someone else. She clings to me and I cherish that, I don't just dump her energy and our connection and go out with someone else, and that includes my primary guy with whom I reside. I have down time, I tend to sleep alone after date nights because it takes time for me to disconnect on that intimate level.

The fact that she doesn't linger over us the way I do, that she can just 'move on' has shocked the tar out of me.

I feel abandoned.

There's a reason for my outrage at her unwillingness to meet this need...

When I asked to meet the new person for coffee, you know just to touch base and make certain everything was going well for everyone involved, I was told "She doesn't want to." (I do know her actually, just not well.)

When I suggested that perhaps sometime in the not too distant future we could hang out as a group, for coffee or some such thing, the gal flatly said no because "They both wouldn't know how to act around me."

Yet... When the gal said, hey, seeing you two nights a week and fitting in the new person is leaving me with no time for myself, time to see her and tired, can we go to once a week?

I said yes.

Given that now I only see her once a week and I only sleep over with my gal twice a month, asking for those two Saturdays for her not to have a date, seems reasonable to me; especially given the strength and abruptness of my newly discovered reaction. Instead, she's angry at me and "needs space to think." It's not like I feel this way on purpose and if I could blow it off, obviously I would.

As it appears that my feelings suddenly don't matter, I resent giving up my second date a week with her. She begged for that second date a week and we worked out a nice balanced schedule and were sticking to it. Then she suddenly needed that time for someone else. I gave it over, gladly, (at least I thought , now I resent it deeply) because she was at least getting a need met and that was important to me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Making a rule will impact their relationship, and since the other person has a limited schedule, that's might not be do-able.
One of this new person's requirements is: Whomever she dates must also be in another another relationship. She's very busy and is also dating someone else and doesn't have time to be anyone's primary.

Their dynamic has impacted my relationship with my gal. I gave it, so she could get a need met, that I couldn't provide. Now, when a little give back is sought, I get anger from my gal. Her anger feels like my need of sleep space is less important because it impacts her relationship with the other person. Her new relationship deeply impacted our dynamic, as the newly minted "only one date per week" proves. I just gave up four dates a month because of the other relationship. I'm asking for two specific days back. I'm being told I'm being unfair because that impacts their dynamic... It not ironic when it is so blatantly unfair.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
See if you can let her manage her relationships and her own schedule and you just relax and trust, and try to examine whatever comes up for you in the process. Being with two people in a day is not a crisis, but if you feel not taken care of, then voice your concerns.
I did, and see where it got me?

Last edited by redpepper; 10-16-2011 at 05:12 AM.
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  #6  
Old 10-16-2011, 12:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I have read many times here that alot of people do need a bit of a transition time after coming home from a date with an OSO. So their energies catch up with them and settle into being with the other partner. But I don't think I've read much here about the moments when two part company as one of the heads off to be with someone else, except for when someone drops their spouse off and they process some excitement or feeling a little weird if it's new.

Do you two live together? I'm a little confused about who is your gal and who is your primary.
Well at least I'm not alone.

Shockingly, my gal (non-cohabitating girlfriend of 18 months) isn't one such person. News to me, but live and learn.

My primary is my male cohabitant partner of 13+ years.

Somewhere out there is long reply to your edited post. I explain more and hope I can get some insight.

Last edited by Mac341; 10-16-2011 at 12:12 AM. Reason: clarity
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Old 10-16-2011, 12:37 AM
rosephase rosephase is offline
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I had that problem pretty hardcore when my boyfriend started dating his girlfriend (now our girlfriend) 4 years ago. It was really visual and very upsetting for me. I felt like it was "gross" even if he showered afterwards. I don't know what to tell you other then I made some rules about it (no sex with both of us on the same day, for awhile I wanted at least 48 hours between him having sexual contact with her before we could have sexual contact) and then it stopped mattering. I don't really know why. As I got more comfortable with them as a couple and stopped feeling like they stopped caring about me when they were having sex and got to know her more and felt safer expressing my fears and worries to both of them... the feeling faded and then was gone completely.

For me it was just a very specific manifestation of the things I wasn't really okay with yet. So I made some rules but I watched them closely and kept checking in with myself if I still needed them and one day I didn't.

Rules and limits are a kind of crutch for me. I use them to help when I'm not strong enough yet. They are extremely useful as long as you are willing to keep checking in and not rely on them to much.
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Old 10-16-2011, 01:35 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rosephase View Post
I don't know what to tell you other then I made some rules about it (no sex with both of us on the same day, for awhile I wanted at least 48 hours between him having sexual contact with her before we could have sexual contact)
This makes me feel a great deal better. I don't feel so alone in my response. I've been told in other places that I"m way out of line and I'm interfering in their relationship... (somewhere out there is a long story about how the new relationship has decimated time in mine)

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosephase View Post
and then it stopped mattering. I don't really know why. As I got more comfortable with them as a couple and stopped feeling like they stopped caring about me when they were having sex and got to know her more and felt safer expressing my fears and worries to both of them... the feeling faded and then was gone completely.
I'd love to hope for that... Argh the lost post! But getting to know her better has been shot down on my first attempt.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosephase View Post
Rules and limits are a kind of crutch for me. I use them to help when I'm not strong enough yet. They are extremely useful as long as you are willing to keep checking in and not rely on them to much.
So far this is the first limit aside from take care of yourself (in her case that includes get decent sleep on work nights because she can't function otherwise) and safer sex guidelines that I've felt a need to toss into the works.
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Old 10-16-2011, 04:37 AM
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Considering you get to go spend time with your primary, and probably neither you or them would agree that you couldn't be sexual with them for X amount of time? If that isn't the case, that would not be very fair to ask of your girlfriend.

And I do think choosing to let her know you would like X amount of time between her being intimate with somebody and your next date in general can make sense, but probably not the best long term solution - what if you start dating somebody else someday, and then you can't be intimate with her because you can't schedule your dates X amount of time apart, or she starts seeing somebody else, etc.

I imagine this is just a temporary thing, so hopefully you are working on working through it instead of wishing you could put rules in place so you don't have to feel crappy.

Sorry if anything I am saying is off base or I misunderstand your situation with your primary, working on too little sleep here.
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Old 10-16-2011, 05:49 AM
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I can read tour post that is missing. Hopefully it will be up soon so others can read what I have. Sorry, only II can fix that one I think. Spam scensor got it for some reason.

It sounds to me like she is opperating on NRE. Its only been a month with this person no? She doesn't think about you because she is rushing into this persons arms. You are still in NRE with her and she, by the sounds of it, is not.

It will likely run its course and ya, doesn't feel all that great. Its too bad she told you she pretty much forgets about you when you aren't there. That hurts

I think that it might be time to negotiate when you get that date night back again. Working it out for her to get to know this person was very generous of you, but if you have become resentful then I would ask that sometime in the future you get that back.

I needed transition time when I spent nights at Mono's back in the day. I totally get that. I needed at least an hour. I would of wallowed for longer in his energy, but I had a responsibility to a child who hadn't seen me in 24 hours and had to suck it up. Now we live together and there is not the same urgency. It does pass. Think about you primary partner. Do you need the same transition where he is concerned? Likely not.

I have a partner that I have had to come to terms with in terms of how much time he wants to spend with me. One date a month is it for him. One text a day is enough also. He has insisted on this even though I have asked and whined. Finally I had to decide what was the best case scenario; see him once a month and scale back my longing and need for his presence or throw my hands up and say forget it. I thought the latter was too wrapped up in my ego so I gave him what he needed with a request that he text me and arrange some dates where I had arranged and done all the texting. It had made me feel used that I was doing all the work. He has respected my request and so while my connection has scaled back, I find that I am doing just fine as is and have moved my focus elsewhere. It has all taken time however.
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